Dear Seaturtle:

I wrote to you about people like N: “they have TOO MUCH FEAR that their authentic self is unacceptable. No matter how much you love them, they figure that if you knew them, you’d hate them. So, they hide and deceive.”, and you replied: “Again this has N written all of it, and he will use me leaving as proof that I didn’t accept his authentic self, when really he hadn’t even showed that to me“- brilliantly said.

So, to get along with a person who hides and deceives, you have to be part of the FEAR and the hiding and deceiving, aka unbalanced and blocked chakras.  I wrote fear with capital letters because it’s the kind of fear that annihilates the gut (referring to the title of your thread). And by getting along, I mean on a very superficial level because the depths are not allowed to be known.

“Rejecting the gift of light.. a gift I want to be given“- creatures of the light should shine their light into the darkness, but not get mixed in with the darkness because then.. your light is gone.

“He may not of wanted light shed on him on a conscious level, but some level of him chose someone who’s nature is to do this, bring light… If he thought he was so hate-able, so unlovable, then why did he allow himself to choose someone with a huge heart”- I don’t think that he chose you because you bring the self-examination/ introspection kind of light. A cheery light, joking around, being fun.. yes, light around him, not light into him.

“I feel like he knew on some level, that I could help him“- this may be wishful thinking/ feeling on your part.

“He cared for me in his own ways, for example my car. He always check on it before I drove off, checking the oil, steering fluid, coolant (my car was overheating)… He cared for me, this I believe was him loving me, in the small doses he was able to. He once paid for me to go to my improv class… A spider does not want the fly to have any strength to leave, or knowledge (like the car) to leave or live without him. When I was sad, he put his head on my shoulder, not knowing what to say, but when I felt panicked I would sit in the closet with the lights off and he would come in, shut the door, and sit with me. Ugh this is making me miss him a little, darn ha. He loved me, I believe”-

– You make a good point: he is not always a spider, only sometimes, only when you shed light on what he doesn’t want to see, or when you dare open your throat chakra and say what you see through your 3rd eye.

“But, to remind myself now, in this moment I need to open my third eye to other aspects of the relationship” – I wrote the above before reading this part!

“He wasn’t willing to take responsibility for his lies, even after giving him so many opportunities… he rejected my gift of light on hidden places… Ugh this back and forth is exhausting and I am calling on my third eye right now to remain open and strong today“- later on I will drink for an open and strong Seaturtle’s 3rd eye!

“I just asked myself, would I have been in the closet, anxious, if I had an authentic and open third eye chakra, in the first place?“- this is AMAZING, I had the same thought- in a vague form- just a moment ago but I didn’t develop it. I will now: a twist on the spider imagery- the spider wants to feast on a living/ fresh fly, so he feeds the fly with just enough dung to keep it alive, but not strong enough to escape the web.

You wrote in regard to sending him good wishes: “I wonder how this will bring me some peace“- if you tried it, and it didn’t bring you peace, then don’t try it again. I learned about the sending of good wishes from listening to loving-kindness of meditations, “an ancient Buddhist practice that cultivates goodwill and universal friendliness toward oneself and others” (online). It works at times, in this or that context.

anita