Dear Anita,

“He feels that if he makes you stronger (via compliments etc.), he will be making himself weaker.”
This is so confusing to me since he also encouraged me to do things that made me stronger. I suppose it is like you said before that he could allow me to be strong but just not enough to leave, this game he played is just strange to me I guess. So afraid of me leaving..

“too snowy/ slippery to walk outside.. although I have done it many times before and fell on ice only once.. had a concussion”

My goodness, I understand your hesitation to do that again. Reminds me of when I went snowboarding and my helmet flew off in the air as I fell, and hit my head on the hard snow, that feeling of a head hit is not fun. This is why I don’t understand football… you know I talk a lot (think alot) about how N lacked respect for me. Saying I worried about things that didn’t matter, and constantly questioning my methods. But I think I lacked respect for him in ways as well, football, I still don’t understand this hunger games mentality, I understand the highs of playing well in a sport, but one that is destroying your body? He had to gain over 100 pounds additional to his natural body weight, for his position. according to him, but mainly his friend told me, N was constantly throwing up do to too much food. They would force him to eat. I don’t understand the male tendency to do things the hardest way possible, perhaps it is because physical pain is easier to get through than mental pain, so they find something that takes up their thoughts physically.

“…there are moments of feeling exhilaratingly alive, chakras open, running-on-green-grass-under-the-shining-sun kind of experience.”

“Therefore, it’s possible that in high school, you had many of those exhilarating moments…”

I have always known how to play alone, I remember just going to my room alot and playing with my polly pockets and groovy girls haha. I would also re-decorate and organize my room often, change where my bed and little chair and bookshelf was. I got use to people taking my peace, so I secluded myself/ escape. In middle school I made friends that brought me peace and joy, my current roommate being one of them. We would go on picnics, shop, go on runs, talk about boys or learn little dances together.

“But men hurt just like women do, maybe more because they are not allowed to release the pain by crying”

“N turned the non-crying option to the manipulating via expressing anger/intimidating option”

So why was N in pain? Sorry if my questions feel redundant.. Why was he hurting? Was his hurt all from his past or were there things I did to hurt him that led to this manipulating expression of his hurt?

“…he whined a lot, so you felt bad for him, similarly to your mother crying and you feeling bad for her (like your sister said, that you get swayed by her crying).”

True both of my parents whined, and still do.

” maybe a lot of guys wanted you but you were not interested in them.”

There were guys who were in to me, but they were not the ones I wanted.. I am wondering why right now. I didn’t trust some of them, others seemed like they just liked all the girls so I didn’t feel special, then others were ones I laughed with but did not feel attracted to.

“Plus from my communication with you over these 24 pages, I sense a pretty healthy self-esteem on your part. (2) Your self-esteem and confidence held through these disappointments and heartbreaks, and chakras were open enough to do their vibrations”

This was nice to hear, I wonder why I doubt my self esteem. I think it is because I don’t often meet people who gravitate towards me. For example even when I go out with my roommate, when it comes to men, they are more chatty with her, I feel like I am more often just the observer, it is rare that someone says something that interests me and I do not like small talk…I guess my roommate doesn’t mind it. But I would rather be in silence than talk about nothing. Are my expectations too high for strangers? I wonder if I need to put more effort into the small talk…sounds exhausting. I just want someone to make me laugh, and the people I have met out lately are just vanilla and predictable. But also finding someone I am interested in talking to is scary, since it is rare, it can feel like I don’t want to let them go since I don’t find it often, and the second I care about that I feel like my vibrations are dependent on their acceptance of me…

I will respond separately to your next message from this morning

Seaturtle