Dear Anita,

Thank you for what you wrote in your first paragraph.

I think part of what keeps me from messaging N is that, knowing him, I think there is a 75% chance that he would use that as an opportunity to reject me, as to try to hurt me. I feel empowered by the fact that I left the situation, and giving that up, would be harder than the feeling of being alone. The only times I have found myself tempted, are when I am out with my roommate, and I want to be rescued... We went out thursday night, and at a certain point I thought ‘If I was still with N right now I would text him to come pick me up because I want to go home.’ Two other times I was tempted, was before Christmas when I hurt my knee, I thought ‘if we were together he could come pick me up and take me home right now and take care of me.’ The other time was when I was sick and wanted to be cared for again. Sexually, I am not tempted.. which surprises me because I thought that would be a harder temptation, but instead I predict that if I did, the options are either rejection, like I mentioned above, or he would come over but he would be rough with me and I would end up with hurt feelings, which again is a worse feeling than loneliness. All these reasons I have been tempted are areas I know, I need to be here for myself, take care of myself. It is not an easy thing to accept, because I do want help sometimes, but I just have to remember taking care of me now, will only make it that much sweeter when I do meet someone who wants to support me.

“He might (mis)use the fact that you broke up with him against you and keep you shut in that cage for good, feeling too guilty to break up with him again.”

And yes, getting back with him permanently could definitely be unhealthy for this reason. The thing is, to get back with him permanently he would have to be the opposite to who he is…(just thought of that phrasing now) He would have to come to me, genuinely apologetic, and dedicated to winning me back and making me feel seen and heard, all things that are not who he is right now, he would need to have a very big revelation and change who he is for me to feel like he could love me correctly with 0% intimidation and 100% adoration. Last night I dreamt of him, but he was different. I was sad, feeling unseen, and he grabbed me, recognizing my sadness and genuinely asking me “what do you need?” that is who I wanted him to be. I woke up, and despite what you might think, did not miss him, in fact I recognized immediately that that was not him.

” I think that it’s important for him to win in a variety of contexts, including in the romantic.”

He is a puzzle to me, for reasons such as mentioned earlier, that he would push me to do things I liked like acting in the play and paying for me to go to improv class when I couldn’t afford it. Encouraging my painting, wanting me strong but not strong enough.. another puzzling fact is this; I am very coordinated athletically and mentally in games. I often pick up sports and games very quickly and often win. When we went to an arcade for the first time I beat him and his friend at all the table games, it drove his friend crazy, but N was unbothered, if anything enjoyed watching me beat his friend. I beat N at pickle ball every time, when he won it was because I went a little bit easy because I felt bad! But he was never a sore loser with games, for being a professional athlete he was not very competitive, and I know what competitive looks like because my whole family is, board games being flipped over, crying, straight up bullying in games with my dads family, but it is also cause everyone is so good, when I play with my family I do not always win, but with friends, pretty much every time. I am very competitive. But it didn’t seem like winning was super important to N… honestly him winning in that board game at his house with his mom, felt unlike him.

“I hope that … this kind of hope, or desire to change a man from low to high vibrations is not in the core of your attraction to a man.”

ME TOO. But I don’t think it is… I think I settle for less than what I want, like earlier when I said N was an upgrade from my parents. When N was late for the first couple dates, I almost broke it off, I was so close but then there was something about him that I felt like it was premature to end the relationship… in fact I wonder about this, after he had literally stood me up and I was so upset, I ended it, then the next day I didn’t feel right about it…I had a vision of it being like I was tearing out a little green root, like I was prematurely giving up on something that could grow. I thought that vision was from a good place, I wonder now where it came from, or maybe It was from the right place and I was meant to go through that relationship to learn what I have? It is hard for me to write off that vision as wrong, because I remember it feeling like intuition.

I think where my mistakes staying in the relationship began, was at 6 months. That is when we had the shroom experience, and I lost a lot of trust for him. The whole week after the experience, I remember being disappointed because doubts about the relationship entered my mind for the first time! I was upset they were there. But at that point I felt too attached to him, and thought I could solve the doubts. In trying to solve them I learned a lot about myself and what to look for (and look out for) in a future relationship, so perhaps it was all mean to be.

But funny how, 2 months in I fell in love…those six months felt wonderful. From trips to families meeting, to laying in bed on Sundays, going to the local thai restaurants, we are both foodies and loved the asian cuisine in Seattle. Then as I have mentioned before, our physical chemistry was everything I thought it should be and more. Those 6 months were heaven, I was so upset when those doubts entered, I remember wondering ‘why now, why couldn’t I had these doubts before I got this attached?’ ‘I have never been with someone for 6 months, maybe this is normal.’ ‘I do not trust him to take care of me.’ ‘I love him.’ ‘These doubts are the shrooms fault, this is a mind game and the bad trip is just lingering.’ I had nightmares about him and avoided him that week as I knew I wouldn’t be good company. Eventually the doubts got quieter and the 6 month love feeling was now at 80%, not like 100% as before but at least it was at 80 while the doubts quieted to 20. I remember having doubts right before moving to AZ, doubts about us and the new location, but I called if fear, rather than intuition.

I am happy I am living here with Molly, so I suppose there was some intuition that moving here was right, but there was a cloud as well, the cloud being living with N. A month or so after our cars were stolen, but we still made it to AZ I remember wondering if them getting stolen was a sign to not come here.. But I also thought it was a blessing in disguise that we got to do the long drive together. The drive down was a blast, we stopped in several places, another new years experience with him. Then when we lived together, we were both home a lot, as we were figuring out our job situations, it felt like a second honeymoon phase, together every single day. But then the roommate situation took away from it. causing our first ever consistent arguments. A mix of good and bad, then I moved out and saw all the bad, and left permanently.

In conclusion, I think the solution is for me to see the low vibrations, before getting so attached. Once I am attached, I want to help them increase their vibrations.

“(1) habit. It’s easier for me to walk that it is to not walk.”

I need some sort of healthy habit to start right now. For a while it was yoga, then I got sick and hurt my knee and couldn’t go, then my membership expired and it is too expensive for me to join at this time. The gym is so boring, but with my roommate it is more fun, but our schedules vary so it is hard to make a consistent habit of it. I do have a nice trail behind my apartment that I could walk more, but I get bored..

Seaturtle