Dear Seaturtle:

“N is not the first person to make me feel more loved when I was weaker”- think of a dog going belly up when confronted by an aggressive dog, or a dog who may turn aggressive. Exposing weakness (the soft belly) satisfies aggressors, or potential aggressors.

“I wondered how much inner child-work is possible while you have an actual child near you“- it can help, a lot.

“I wonder if their essence/spirit/soul is literally created in the mother, or if it existed before, in a divine place. I have seen different theories on this idea, I want to believe they came from somewhere divine and only lack the intelligence to share what they know, then in growing up they forget. What do you think?”-

– I agree. I believe that our essence exists in a timeless reality, but our human brains cannot grasp this reality, we can only feel it. I see life as the ocean, and each individual life (a plant, an animal, a human) as a single wave rising from the ocean (being born) and then falling back into the ocean (dies).

“I am pretty sure I want to be seen more than most, I wonder if this is a personality trait due to being unseen in my past, or if I would be this way either way“- I think that you have a strong thirst to being seen because of the drought you experienced growing up, in the context of being seen. This is true to me.

“I say way more that is on my mind than others do, I talk through my thought process with close friends/family“- and you do it here, which makes it possible for me to do the same as I reply to your thoughts.

“I think N found it odd, cause he rarely acknowledged or really reacted to what I was saying… Something I wanted to hear so badly from N“- I think of N as.. people of the drought, or just the drought. People in whose company, we are thirsty.

“But my roommate and friend P, both either laugh or join the conversation. My roommate recently told me that she has never met someone so open about their thoughts and that it encourages her to recognize her own thoughts“- you quench her cognitive/ emotional thirst, she quenches yours.

“He would be supportive if I was emotional… when I had my stuff together, he seemed less affectionate and harsher, so to reward when I was in the emotional state he was attracted to, but also didn’t respect“-he was supportive of (and attracted to) you making it possible for him to feel strong (in comparison to you); unsupportive of ( and unattractive to) you taking this feeling away from him.

“So then he would never be attracted to me and respect me simultaneously?!”- I think that spiders cannot think of simultaneous scenarios when it comes to emotions.

“Do you find not having TV in your life brings you a lot of benefits? if so I am curious what, because it is something that I allow to take up a lot of my time and have been recently cutting down..”-

– I purposefully do not watch TV fiction shows nor do I read fiction stories and books because all it does to me is to create fog in my view of REAL LIFE, and my pleasure is in seeing reality as it is, not as what is fed to me by fiction writers and performers.

“I thought more about what I said, ‘So then he would never be attracted to me and respect me simultaneously?!’ Outside of emotional times, he respected me when I was willing to do the hard things with him… He was attracted and respected me in battle-like moments… His attraction and respect for me is probably an inefficient thing for me to pin point because as you have mentioned humans are complex“-  – and in some ways, humans are as simple and as instinctual as spiders.

People are attracted to people who make them feel valuable or strong. If a person does not feel valuable, then feeling strong in comparison to a weak person is .. good-enough.

“I can’t wait for the day I am not reminded of him.. the smallest things trigger memories and he is in my dreams almost every night”- this thread reminds you of him. IF you want to start a new thread where he is not a part of, you can.

anita