Dear Going Through Life:

What I am getting in touch with this morning in regard to your relationship with SK is how conflicted you were about her and the relationship from the starting of the relationship and always (or almost always), as you said yourself in your most recent post: “From the starting of the relationship I thought there is something wrong but I couldn’t place my finger on it. And I got into overthinking about what was wrong… The relationship was always filled with anxiety and negative feelings“.

In this post, I want to investigate the sources of your anxiety and negative feelings in regard to the relationship with SK.

In your original post, you wrote: “I read articles on Tiny Buddha, trying to pressure myself to change to accept the love she gave, the caring, but it did not happen“- this sentence means that she gave you love but you had trouble accepting her love.

“SK got very codependent, she had her anxiety issues and always texted me and used to be on the phone. I got angry with her… It got so codependent that she used to sleep on the phone with me, when I went on a trip with friends, she was on the phone a whole night. Slowly I got irritated with it“- her codependence on you, her excessive need for you to be attentive to her bothered you, it made you angry.

“I started maintaining some distance. I wanted to fall in love with her, but something kept stopping me“- could be that her excessive need for your attention stopped you from falling in love with her. Could be that a combination of her excessive need for you and your childhood emotional trauma and still troubled home life (“things at home were not good, I self harmed myself a few times“) kept stopping you.

“She never met me much.. many times denied me to meet me physically because she had her studies. Which I understand now, I created pressure on her“- here, it seems like your need for her was greater than her need for you: you pressured her to see you, not the other way around.

“SK was very arrogant and rarely said sorry, may times she made the relationship about her“- this does not fit with the idea that SK is codependent: a codependent person is eager to please and makes the relationship about the other person, that’s in the definition of codependence.

In your 2nd post, you wrote: “She also failed to make time for dates when we were together“- again, this doesn’t fit the behavior of a codependent person.

“What made me scared to love her was that I won’t get to explore more. She was my first intimate relationship. I tried to break up several times stating I want a more casual relationship“- part of you did not want to be with her.

“SK had suicidal thoughts sometimes, and was anxious almost all the time… I’m always anxious when I wake up and miss her and our relationship“- you are both anxious individuals.

Back to your most recent post: “Is it bad that I can’t accept someone for who they are, to tell them to improve?“- can’t accept means that you rejected SK as the person she was.

“I think she has anxious attachment. That’s why she’s always in a rush to get into a relationship with someone“- it seems like you fit an anxious-avoidant attachment style and that she may fit the anxious, (or  a disorganized) attachment style.

From psychology today (I am adding the boldface feature to the quote): “People with an anxious attachment style and those with an avoidant attachment style are often attracted to each other… People with an anxious attachment style tend to fear abandonment and seek closeness and reassurance from their partners. They may feel anxious and insecure when their partner is unavailable or distant, often seeking constant validation and reassurance…

“People with an avoidant attachment style are often uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may value their independence and autonomy. They may feel uncomfortable with intimacy and may tend to distance themselves emotionally or physically when relationships become too close or demanding…

“The dynamics between anxious and avoidant attachment styles can create a push-pull relationship dynamic. People with an anxious attachment style may pursue closeness and reassurance from their partner. People with an avoidant attachment style may feel overwhelmed by what they perceive as neediness or demands for intimacy.

“This difference between the two attachment styles can lead to a cycle of pursuing and distancing behaviors in which no one gets their needs met in the relationship….  The push-pull dynamic between an anxious and avoidant partner can be challenging and lead to a cycle of frustration and dissatisfaction. The anxious partner may constantly feel on edge and insecure due to the avoidant partner’s emotional distance. In contrast, the avoidant partner may feel overwhelmed and pressured by the anxious partner’s need for closeness. This dynamic can result in a cycle of emotional distancing and re-engagement, causing stress and instability in the relationship“.

I boldfaced above what seems to fit your experience of the relationship with SK, including the strong attraction to her (“It was a very passionate and lovely relationship… I was really attracted to her”), and the strong push and pull element, on your part (“I broke up with her..  got into FWB… I again pulled myself away. I did this push and pull a lot with her“).

You shared: “My mother was also always depressed and cried a lot“- was your mother sort of codependent on you? Were you overwhelmed by her emotional neediness?

anita