Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome. (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “Yes, I agree, she did give me the love and I had trouble accepting it. Even now when I think someone will love me I will end up pushing them away. I’m scared of that deep commitment”-

– love and hurt got associated/ connected in your brain (as it happens to so many of us). We are all afraid of pain (of emotional pain, as in feeling hurt, and of physical pain), and when pain is associated with love, we are afraid of love. So, we push away that which we are afraid of.

“I regret a lot not accepting her love“- I understand. But you do know, don’t you, that it was not your choice to not accept her love. It was a natural, physiological reaction to fear.

“Both our needs were greater than (the) other’s at some point“- very good point, insightful! Sometimes she needed you more than you needed her, and at other times, you needed her more than she needed you.

“I love more through physical touch, whether it be through physical intimacy or by a hug“- another good point: you needed love that’s expressed through physical touch/ intimacy. You shared that she didn’t want physical intimacy (sex) with you at some point, that she was not invested in setting physical dates with you, and that she kept you on the phone for hours- this makes me think that she needed love that’s expressed through words and non-physical attention.

“It (SK’s anxiety) did irritate me sometimes and made me drain out. I also made her drain out of energy when I was in my depression stage… Sometimes she did not (meet) my needs fully“- it is important for a healthy relationship to (1) control or regulate one’s emotions enough so to not drain the other person: to still express one’s emotions, but in a limited, responsible capacity. (2) not to expect the other person to meet all your needs. It is impossible to meet the needs of an adult whose needs were not met in childhood because needs that were unmet for so long, are very intense needs.

“She (mother) was never dependent on me, at that time… I just ignored feeling anything, usually I went numb“- you went numb as a reaction to strong feelings of hurt and fear. This is how it happens that children go numb. Going numb make the child feel less hurt and less fear.

Your numbed hurt and fear woke up in the context of the relationship with SK. (Numbed emotions are still there, they are not dead or gone).

“My mother was never dependent emotionally on anyone“- no human being is never dependent emotionally on anyone, and you were definitely emotionally dependent on your mother, as all children are.

“But I did see her cry a lot. She went through depression and PTSD after 2014″- you were 13 back then. What does a 13-year-old boy think and feel when he sees his mother cry a lot?

“But I do remember me and my mother used to hug a lot“- do you remember the circumstances of those hugs: did you hug her when she cried a lot, to make her feel better, and/ or did she hug you when you were upset, to make you feel better?

“My parents have always been unhappy with each other and they rarely interact even after living in the same house“- is this partly the reason why your mother hugged you a lot? Did she or your father turn to you- or to a sibling of yours- for the attention and interactions that they were lacking in their marriage?

“I think that’s why I really like physical touch“- I think that all humans really like physical touch until we associate physical touch with something negative. Maybe it happened to SK before she met you that she was touched sexually when all she wanted was to be touched affectionally, and … maybe that’s what was behind her rejecting you sexually at one point?

“Isn’t it selfish to not accept someone for how they are, if you really care about them”- (I may be asking too many questions..): do you feel that you did not accept SK for who she is and/ or that she did not accept you for who you are?

“I just want to get better and never hurt someone who I really care about and love“- this is the goal of a good person, good to read this!

anita