Dear Jus:

I wanted to reply to you today at greater length (I am using the boldface and italic feature in the following quotes):

“From the beginning, I am the one, who has cared and pushed more about a meeting in person. He used to have some not-so-convincing excuses to delay our meeting – like that he miscalculated his vacation days at work, and he ran out of them… I felt a bit let down…. We talked that day long, because he saw I got upset… In the next few days, we were supposed to agree on the date of the meeting, and then he told me about bad relations with his manager and new workplace issues, saying that it now endangers getting the day off at work (that he needs to take, to come over for a weekend). He seemed angry at his manager and willing to engage in a ‘war’ with them… he told me new excuses (as perceived by me) about wanting to choose later date, because of cheaper tickets. Eventually he said he asked at work for a day off, but he was refused… I felt severely disappointed – again, the same. I said that he broke his promise about meeting”-

– it seems like he has been truly unhappy in his workplace and that he truly considered/ considers relocating, but it seems to me that he lied in regard to most, if not all of his excuses, particularly the one right before last: he knew that you were emotionally invested in meeting him in-person for a long time, that you were disappointed and upset (angry) with him about not making such meeting possible, so to deflect your anger away from him, he went to war with his manager in the context of talking to you.

His message to you was something like this: don’t get angry with me, I really want to meet you in-person, but my manager (my enemy, our enemy) is making it impossible for me and you to meet: get angry with our mutual enemy, not with me!

“But now I have afterthoughts. I left him in those workplace troubles I know he has for sure (he had been mentioning his struggles at work earlier, before we started arranging the meeting), and as he confessed about his struggles, he deserves a helping hand. Also, I sense his fear about meeting may be the true reason (but he hasn’t admitted it). I feel guilty. But on the other hand, I know that if I forgive, without even hearing ‘sorry’ from him, I put myself in the position of someone, who allows bad treatment. It’s not been the first time, and he never said sorry’. Please help. Am I doing the right or wrong thing? How the situation looks like from the perspective of an observer? I am lost.”-

– his bad treatment of you consists of him repeatedly lying to you, and knowing that you have been your emotional investment in him (in a real-life relationship) for more than a year, he fed your investment, didn’t interrupt it, and didn’t tell you the truth for the whole time!

His lies (excuses) are clear, but what is the truth that he didn’t- but should have told you? Seems to me that his truth is that he is not interested in a real-life relationship with you.

I don’t think that there is a valid reason for your guilt. I think that the right thing for you to do is to grieve your hopes and dreams in regard to this man. I am sorry for your hurt…

anita