Dear Anita,

“why do you feel the need to accomplish anything GREAT, and by great, do you mean something that will bring you fame, popularity, the esteem of many… anything like that?”

By great, I mean I want to add to the world. I am afraid I will not make my ideas come to life, and if I do they will maybe not be seen by others, and if it is not seen then how does it make a change in the world. I gave up the desire for popularity when I realized I did not want the attention of those who couldn’t see me when I was being my natural self. If I was popular for being just me, I mean that thought sounds nice, but I think it is just that lack of feeling seen and thinking that would solve it. Part of me has a desire for people like F and N, to see that I am “cool, funny, and strong” (from my post above). They told me I wasn’t those things, more so F, and there’s a part of me that wants them to see that I am. I don’t desire fame, too many people haha.

“This excessive, narcissistic need on his part to be attended to and prioritized at the expense of you, led to your excessive need to be thoroughly seen and prioritized. …It’s about trying to over compensate for not having been seen and prioritized…Did we talk about this topic thoroughly?”

I see how my deep desire to be seen, is as deep as it is because I am over compensating for not having been seen and prioritized. I also agree that those 2-3 years I lived with, mainly, my dad, his excessive needs of attention and priority are part of what I am compensating for. However, I was not seen in so many ways throughout my entire upbringing, I feel like those couple years with him were the tip of the iceberg. Not to mention I was older at that time, so I remember a lot of it, and I also remember knowing it was not right but I couldn’t understand why it was happening or how to stop it.

My little sister, the youngest, A, (the sister that we understand eachother the most) called me two nights ago. She was on the verge of tears because she hasn’t seen my dad since new years because he is constantly on vacation. Hearing her go on and on, reminded me of what it was like to live with him and my mom. her situation is a little different because since she is the youngest, this is her first year alone there to alternate between houses every two weeks. She said how hard and exhausting it was to go from house to house, she said it was like being in a warm place, then opening the door to -30 degrees outside. When she said this, it reminded me of when my parents lived together, and how uncomfortable the environment was with two polar opposites. She said she doesn’t understand who my dad can think their relationship (between A and F) is so great, yet it is so “superficial.” She called me because she was suppose to alternate to my dads this week and he was out of town all week, his house is large and cold and lots of windows, which at night can be scary. She said she called him and he said “oh I told you sweetie that I would be away” she told me he did not, and I believe her, my dad did the same thing to me. She said “sometimes I feel like I need to be physically hurt for him to see me.” this very strongly reminded me of when I attempted self harm, at her exact age. I told her “there is nothing you can do to make him see you, he may tend to you while you are hurt but he will leave again once you are better and in the end you will only have a mark on yourself.” I am so happy I answered her call. She spoke about how she didn’t want to go back to my moms, because that day she was feeling emotional. A is an amazing dancer, and she works as a dance teacher for 8-10 year olds (a job she sought out and has to pay everything she makes because of a dent she made to her car! sound familiar? F is doing the exact same thing to her that he did to me at the exact same age.) She told my mom she felt too emotional to be around kids, she said “kids can sense when you are feeling off and they will then be harder to deal with” A is very aware for her age I am impressed all the time! A went to my mom for advice, wondering why she felt the way she did and how to deal with it, …my moms response, is why I am sharing this, all my mom said to her was “it’s just a female thing.” Hurts me to even type that, my mom seems brainwashed sometimes. A and I both spoke about how our parents are both asleep and we are awake, we theorized on why.

Seaturtle