HI Anita,

I agree with you that sometimes the people who you think are doing great just arent all that great, maybe they are just the kind of people who are better at hiding disappointments and their emotions, they can also be people who are better at always focusing on anything good and rejecting the bad..I suppose i always draw attention to the bad. I just never felt like hiding anything. I have a strange need to explore the total emotion of emptiness and i cant explain that. When i was a kid i remember i was the one helping everyone else process their emotions, trying to empathize with others was my thing. My friends were all oddbeat and sensitive in one way or another and i loved that. I never felt popular and i never felt on top of things. And i felt guilty if i ever had more, if someone was left out. There were times when i dumbed myself down, wore baggier clothes, i didnt speak up. In my experiences…when i really did well, there was always someone in the crowd visibly unhappy and it would bother me. Ive always looked out for the underdog.

Today im struggling again…and then in between i have maybe have some hours or a day max where i think im going to be able to handle it, like its really not so bad and that everything will be ok. Im swinging between these moods.

Ive not yet heard from the therapist i emailed..second time i tried and second person…. go figure. Id like to see someone in person. I have issues with doing stuff online. Having been hacked a couple of times will do that to you and because im an old school human being i would prefer it.

I watched “Bridesmaids” the other day and recognised with some horror that i am the main character Annie. Everything keeps going wrong in her life…she lost her business, her boyfriend and her self respect, she starts sleeping with a guy who doesnt care about her, works in a job where she is constantly confronted with other people´s positive dreams. Her best childhood friend gets engaged and has made a new best friend, who appears to be perfect in every way and seems to challenge Annie. She considers her lowest point moving back in with mom when she is kicked out by her gross landlords.

Its a really good movie because it uses this to tell the story about depression and self loathing in the most simplest of ways…her car is a piece of s*t that won´t drive to where she needs to go. The hot guy is shown as driving an expensive flashy sports car, the dependable guy is a cop who regulates the traffic.

Finally, reaching her “bottom” Annie realises that she is not losing her friend who is getting married, or in competition with the beautiful new bestie, she sees that the hot guy is not meeting her expectations and that the dependable guy was waiting for her to notice him. She rediscovers her love of baking, the thing she is good at.

Im waiting for my moment. What im “good” at.  I need to learn how to be more positive in my outlook, how to deny the negative even if it seems tempting to see “what happens next”. I have to fight these feelings. If i have a uniquely melancholic personality, then i need to learn how to fake my way. I would love to have a partner but it has to be someone i also believe in….ill never be one of the cool gang but i dont feel like what im asking is too much.