Dear Anita,

I am keeping this response as short as I can, after the long previous message, while still addressing your questions.

“maybe N is a people pleaser when it comes to dominant/ controlling people..? Or N is vulgar too (when not on weed)?.. (Who is N…?)”

I think N turns rebellious if he thinks he is being controlled, so therefore I don’t think he is a people pleaser when it comes to controlling/ dominant, or obviously controlling people. I wouldn’t call him a people pleaser at all I would say he likes to keep the peace between people, and does not want to scare anyone away. N is not vulgar, well… he was not in front of me. If N was vulgar, it would not be because it is how he really thought, it would be because he was trying to make the vulgar person more comfortable by mirroring their behavior.

“what successful relationships have you witnessed (in real life) and did you witness these closely..?”

Honestly, maybe one, but even them I did not analyze close enough so I am willing to conclude that my notions on what makes a successful romantic relationship work is twisted in places.

“I wouldn’t think that. but when you felt devastated by N not getting a joke.. that’s extreme.”

Before the shroom incident, this didn’t bother me. After that incident I became more analytical and dissecting of the relationship, trying to figure out what was wrong and what was right. Categorizing him not getting a joke as “wrong” was clearly extreme but that is not what created the category.

“when you heard that N said post breakup that he feels like dying.. I don’t remember you caring too much for his supposed suffering”

I did not allow myself to care about that. If I think about it too long I would cry, just like the breakup I had to handle it quickly without emotions or I would run back… to the “web.” I was afraid of running back to him, even now I am not letting my emotions surface but I can feel them trying to. Him saying he felt that way made me want to run to him, but I couldn’t so what could I do with those feelings? throw them away. Even now convincing myself he was just being dramatic… but it hurts me because I know he was sad, but after all, maybe it was just because he hates to lose people, not necessarily because he wanted me.

Seaturtle