Dear Anita,

“We see (3rd eye) when calm, not when under the influence of stress.”

• I thought this would be a good place to start, from your post on February 28th. Ever since the text exchange I feel like stress/worry was slowly encroaching on my third eye, but it took me 11 days to realize this, from the conversation on the 19th until March 1st. The realization came with the help of two people. The family I nanny for, both parents are very down to earth and kind people, during my lunch and the child’s nap I spoke with the dad and he told me he could sense I was in pain, I explained the stress of my things at my ex’s and he offered to help me go get my stuff if needed. I appreciated this but I decided if I was to do that I would have my friend P come with me. That day I concluded in my head that I needed my passport. Still unaware of where my pain was coming from I thought the solution was to show up at N’s house for my things, thinking this would bring me the conclusions I needed and relieve my anxiety about “getting my things.” I thought it was my things that was making me ache. P agreed to go with me on Sunday. (It still being Friday the 1st at this point. So first person to help me on my way to discover how to solve my pain was the dad I work for, realizing where the pain was, around that text exchange…”my things.”
• That same night, my roommate, M, became the second person to help me discover further how to solve this pain. I told her about my plan to show up at N’s, and she said something that helped my third eye to waken. She pointed out, if that text exchange made me feel that badly for over the past week, that she witnessed, then why would the solution be to see him? She said “If you go to see him you will forever remember the way he looks at you and it will just be another image you will have to work hard to get rid of.” She also said she didn’t judge me if I did go to his home but that “you are entering his territory and that seems dangerous to me.” Her pointing these things out joilted part of my third eye awake, what was I thinking? Enter N’s territory so that he could show me more contempt? The idea of not seeing him again, relieved me… that was when I decided getting my passport was not worth it, the hassle of getting a new one is less stressful to me than risking seeing him. My roommate also said “the text exchange showed his maturity, but it was also you initiating it, you entering places for him to harm you.” This hit my hard, me putting me in those situations, it was under my control to do this. I felt empowered when I realized the control I have over him harming me… Thank goodness for M.

“- what do you see when you “look” at me via the computer screen?”

• I like this question. However I will look forward to respond when my third eye is completely awake again soon, because I want to do the answer justice 

“he healthier I am, the less complex and simpler I become”

• At the moment it seems my life was much simpler before I met N, yet meeting him introduced me to more of my complexities. I am curious the difference in blissful simplicity and true simplicity. A Teflon person like N and F, they claim to be simple, proud of their lack of needs, yet this is a complexity in itself..

I wrote: “If there wasn’t better then I’d still rather be single than with him“ and you responded “- remember this realization next time you forget it.”

• This is hard for me to remember when tired…third eye must rest sometimes right? So when it rests, how do I remember this, when only the children are awake, sacral and heart. I assume over time of the repetition, the third eye repeating to the children over and over until absorbed.

I wrote I feel guilty that I couldn’t be the love he needed in his life, and you responded “I hope that this guilt is not great, and that it will shrink over time and be no more.”

• I hope it will shrink as well and believe it will. However the guilt is great, it is something that took over me the last week, triggered by his messages. Probably triggered in the relationship… he told me before that I didn’t listen. I remember when he said this how unseen I felt, because I really believe that I do listen. F told me I didn’t listen too, prior to the “house-cleaning.” It feels so far from who I am that it confuses me into thinking I don’t know myself, that I am blind and my third eye is wrong. I do listen.

I wrote “one day I wanna hear more about what it was like to do what you are doing. I thank you, because I need this, someone who cares to see me as much as they can. And you are that person right now (heart emoji, and leaf emoji because this feels very natural)“ and you responded “- it makes my day reading this!!! (a huge snow flakes emoji… it is snowing here right now, and the snowflakes are huge!)”

• This put a smile on my face  huge snow-flakes makes me wonder where! My grandma texted me the other day about lots of snow in WA, she is from Hawaii and not used to this weather there I hope she can find joy in the large snowflakes too!

I wrote “This is interesting because as mentioned above, having a parent who shamed your authenticity led us to question what our authenticity was. Creating this desire to understand ourselves“and you responded “- in all our communication, I never felt so similar to you, having so much in common.”

• This brings me joy and understanding as to why you see me so well. Clearly I am still impacted by this and still question myself, given the past week or so.

“- I didn’t share this in your thread.. how do you know I have a partner?”

• I can’t remember where I read this, I thought it was my thread but perhaps it wasn’t. Towards the beginning of this thread, as I was curious about this site and you I was waiting for your response one day and recognized on the main page your name was in quite a few different conversations. I went to one maybe two and read very little as there is so much dialogue happening and I felt I was intruding on another persons conversation. It could have been then when I saw you write that you had a partner but I don’t know anything further than that.

“- people would look like infants, the age of zero bias.”

• I thought about this further yesterday as I read “the untethered soul.” It says “Take a moment to examine the difference between your experience of the outside world and your interactions with the mental world. When you’re just thinking, you’re free to create whatever thoughts you want in your mind…This inner world is an alternate environment that is under your control. The outside world, however, marches to its own laws…The mental manipulation of the outer world experience allows you to buffer reality as it comes in…You re-create the world within your mind because you can control your mind whereas you can’t control the world.” When I read this, I thought about how when I nanny this 18 month year old, me and her parents are telling her “that is a tree” “this is yellow” “that is hot, this is cold.” From my understanding our formative years are creating this inner world… Now as an adult, I am attempting to undo some of the inner world that was created incorrectly/misleading… right? What would happen if a child grew up with no one telling them labels, I suppose they would create their own inner world anyways right because that is a human trait. Is the world too over stimulating for us if we don’t label things and instead just move from experience to experience? I imagine entering another world that is completely new, new senses. I heard once on a podcast, this girl sees her life as this; (‘paraphrasing’) ‘I was once a celestial being, and God approached me and asked how I would like to go to this place called earth for a millisecond of time (unquantifiable in our language) and have a human experience with a huge range of emotions and sensations, and I said absolutely!” I wonder what you think about this, I like philosophizing this type of thing to put my life in perspective so that I can appreciate it and not waste my time here.

– I am not the same person I was before communicating with you. I see more of me because of you.

– This is amazing, I wonder what more you see now?

 “actually, I watched a lot of standup comedy during quarantine, (YouTube videos, not TV)!”

• This is a bees knees moment!

next I will respond to your reply on March 5th, yesterday. Then with some more potential realizations, ah-ha moments I have had recently.

Seaturtle