Hi Anita and Tee,

Im still feeling very angry all the time, at stuff that others may see as “just normal life but unfortunate” its just that the “unfortunate” keeps persisting.

I cant cope with any bad news. To escape it i go out and buy little things that add up to a lot, drink too much. I was trying to loose weight and get fit,….im unable to keep it up, thats not a surprise, my mind is on full stress. I can´t handle any small problem. My mind races with negative thoughts, i get exhausted..i get nothing done. I feel more angry with myself.

I have several bigger issues, things going on but for the sake of an example,

I had this body lotion that i really liked, a relative bought it while they were here a year ago. i thought “great, ill get more of this” long story short, it seems like you cant buy that specific cream anymore…, i tried everywhere, also online. Its frustrating, its also not the first time i have had this problem being unable to find a product, you start to feel you are going crazy.

I need to emphasize that at the beginning of that i thought i could get something easily, that i would feel a sense of sastisfaction having taken care of something i needed and at the end of this story im angry, disappointed and feel despair. Its only a story about a body cream but to me its just another metaphor of how messed up my life is getting.

I tried making a bread starter, twice..it won´t ferment.

I tried knitting..(which ive done fine before)…i can´t keep the stitches from slipping, i can´t follow the pattern

It seems that everything i try throws up a problem that needs fixing, and therefore takes over the project..taking the fun away and presents only issues and frustration that it cant be resolved and overcome..there is no break from this. Especially if you factor in tech issues with computers, its never ending. Its no wonder im angry all the time. And when im angry, other things go wrong…

Basically, im totally unable to focus…im too stressed out. People say let go..i cant.

The therapist said about one example that was particulary frustrating, “well, you tried, you did your best and thats all you can do” but that isnt ok with me. Especially when i see other people i know, seeming to get everything right, getting what they want, being complemented on their work, going out on dates, easily meeting with friends who want to see them…i dont ever. Is that just “unfortunate”? really? Or is there something else going on?

call it the cinderella complex ?probably.

Yes i probably had less support growing up, some people i knew got hit or got hyper controlling parents, with mine i was always glad they let us do whatever, within reason. I was a good child, did as i was told, my sister more rebellious so i guess i felt the need to be responsible, which made my sister more resentful and absent. But i had nothing to push against something i guess that leaves you wondering if you re doing the right thing..if no one says anything. I didnt get disapproval but the comparison to others was definitely present. I dont know how to fix this. To feel better about and to be able to make decisions more quickly and with more conviction. To be confident. I wondered for a while if i had some autism that i could blame but when it comes down to it i cant put a finger on it. Im just sensitive and it seems like a crime, something that puts other people off.

Part of the process im upset about now is that i feel now i dont know who to trust.

Ive already recently backed away from 2 former friends because im sort of realising the toxic side to the friendship…and that i put up with it because deep down i knew, it served a purpose so that i could even have any friends, without them, id have none. I still have a couple of others but they are not available to hang out all the time. I certainly miss having that every day kind of friend but its just so hard to get that without in fact being in some kind of toxic relationship. Im scared that…to have a friend or relationship with someone, we would inevitably slip into the patterns of leader/follower, with some form of abuse in one way or another. Its one of the main reasons im so wary of dating.

I think im always trying to triple-guess what people´s intentions are. Because sometimes they can be dual or more. This is extremely exhausting and draining, then i just want to be alone again but still miss company.