Just as a note, this post discusses a sexual event, although I tried to make it as inoffensive as possible… just as a warning in case there is anyone who doesn’t want to read that type of description for any reason.

Hi everyone on Tiny Buddha. This post ended up being a lot longer than I intended, so thanks for your time if you read through to the end!

A while ago I had a boyfriend who was manipulative. He started doing it very slowly and being more and more manipulative over time so that I didn’t notice. It started with more mild forms of manipulation like asking jealous questions and not wanting me to hang out with certain friends or do certain activities. He also consistently started unnecessary fights (when I broke up with him, he admitted that he had started some of them to “see how I would be in all my forms”), to the point where we were fighting every week, and he kept threatening to break up, as another means of manipulation. A few times I told him that it was too much and I couldn’t do it anymore, and he apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again…and then there would be another fight a week or two later. By the end of the relationship, we had an argument where I almost broke up with him and he was rude and was shouting at me in a way that no one should do with their partner.

A few weeks before I broke up with him for real, he came to visit me to apologize for fighting and promise to change (again). I didn’t know what to say, probably because on some level I knew that he probably wasn´t going to change in reality, so we just hung out for most of the day. A little bit before he had to leave (he lived in a different city about 2 hours away), we went back to my apartment so he could get his stuff. We sat on the bed and started talking, and he started kissing me. I didn’t really want to, but I figured it was just kissing and didn’t say anything. I won´t get into more details, but one thing led to another because I didn´t tell him to stop with anything after that, so we ended up having sex, although I didn’t really want to have sex and I’m pretty sure my body language reflected that… Afterwards I told him that I hadn´t wanted to do that.

After I broke up with him (about 2 months ago) I started dealing with the thoughts and insecurities I had that made me accept the relationship in the first place, and allow it to go on for like 4-5 months like that… and I think I’ve mostly dealt with those. I still feel a bit guilty and shameful that I allowed the relationship to continue like that for so long and neglected my own self and needs for that long, and didn’t recognize it for what it is, but I have been consciously trying to work with that.

I just realized that this sexual event was bothering me a few days ago because I (very unexpectedly) started dating someone new (who is absolutely wonderful, very sweet and we enjoy being together a lot) and I’m very reluctant to start having sex with him, even though normally we’re at a stage where we would both be comfortable with that. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t comfortable with it anymore… I thought I had mostly dealt with the issues from this past relationship, but I think this past experience is probably that reason.

What I’m really confused about now and would like to address is that I feel guilty and shameful that I allowed this (the sexual event) to happen, and that I didn’t say “no” more definitely or attempt to stop it, since I didn’t really want to continue. I’ve been reading that sexual consent isn’t just the absence of a “no”… and I do think that in our society and culture, it’s often assumed that when women don’t say a definite “no,” it can be taken as a “yes,” even in cases like mine where I didn’t really want to continue, and that there are both men and women who have that perception… and I also know that during that relationship I definitely wasn’t my best self and wasn’t thinking and feeling clearly, which probably affected my ability to say “no” clearly. But, I still feel like I could have done more to prevent something that I didn’t really want to happen from happening. I think I also feel guilty because physically I was enjoying it on some level but mentally and emotionally I had decided that I was against it, but still let it happen.

So I guess what I would like help with is partly how to understand and define the event, and how to understand why I *didn’t* do more to prevent it, and partly how to address the guilt and shame from not doing more to protect myself. I kind of feel like I betrayed myself by allowing it to happen, I guess, and a little horrified that it got as far as it did… and I’d like to learn how to forgive myself for the event to release that shame and guilt… and maybe even how to become comfortable with current relationships and having sex again, because I really don’t want the past relationship with my ex-boyfriend to affect what I have now.

Thanks for any insight you can give!