Dear Dafne,

I am doing alright, although some health anxiety is lurking again. But I have tools to deal with it now, so it’s manageable…

But to be honest with you what really helped me was when you told me to take care of my emotional needs by myself. And that it is not too late to be loved and to not feel helpless anymore. It never occurred to me before that I can still do that now as an adult.

I am glad this is what helped you. Yes, luckily it’s not too late and we, as adults, can actually help ourselves and meet those childhood needs. Which is really empowering and gives us hope!

Anyways, I decided to see how the session goes with the counselor. It was not easy for me to do it but I gave it a shot.

People were welcoming but unfortunately it was too judgmental and did not give me any tips on how to move on and heal faster.

Glad you tried it out, but I agree with you – this counselor was not helpful at all!

For example, they told me that it was my fault that I stayed with my abusive family. I should report them to social services when I was a child and I wasn’t smart enough to do that. Really? Could I change anything back then?

Oh my! The counselor is blaming you as a child for not reporting your parents to social services. This is so wrong! How can a helpless child advocate for themselves when they might not be even aware that what they are experiencing is abuse. Also, children tend to cling to even the most abusive parents, because their survival literally depends on them, and they have nowhere else to go. So blaming you as the child for not doing anything to help yourself is utterly wrong and unprofessional.

Also they told me that I ‘lost’ the man that I’ve met in the church because I was not proactive and waited too long. When he replied thank you to the video I should have contacted him again in a few days and say that I want to see him again.

If he were interested, he would have kept the conversation going. You made the move, you sent him the video. He politely thanked you, but that’s all. After that he stopped communicating. There was nothing more you could have done to spark his interest, because he would have shown it to you, had he been interested.

And that I should never ever tell him that my fiancée passed away as men are afraid of that. Is that true?

No, absolutely not. That’s a painful fact from your past, but why would he be afraid of that? As if it was your fault that your fiancee passed away?? This counselor really doesn’t have a clue. What are their credentials btw? Where have you found them?

I’ve got job offers abroad but every time had to refuse them as I felt guilty. I was really trying to apply some changes and even told them that I am planning to move out and will travel for my work. They say that if I go, I won’t find them here when I come back or that they will finish with their lives and I will end up by myself! My mom has a dog and told me that if I will leave her, she will give him away to strangers or even worst. She knows I love that dog and it feels like an manipulation with my feelings.

I am so sorry, Dafne, that your mother is treating you like this. You are seeing it right: what your mother is doing is emotional blackmail. She is threatening to kill herself, or to kill or harm her dog, which is the lowest kind of blackmail. No wonder you feel guilty if you leave – because she is guilt tripping you, making you guilty if you don’t comply with her wishes.

The first thing you’d need to do is to realize that you have the right to meet your own needs, to do things that are beneficial to you and your happiness. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for your mother or anybody else. It is one thing to help your loved ones, but it’s an entirely different thing to sacrifice your life for someone who only thinks of themselves and doesn’t care one bit about you.

It seems your mother is similar to your father in that aspect: telling you that you are selfish if you want to be happy and thrive in life. If you think of yourself too, not only of her and her needs. Doing something for yourself is selfishness in her eyes. Whereas it is her who is actually selfish. Because she only cares about herself, not you.

She also drinks and her mood is horrible after that. She got bitter with age and that’s her way of dealing with problems and the regrets. Everytime she talks about the past, my mistakes with other man, shouts, compares me to my father etc. If I try to protect myself and tell her that she should not drink and that I felt disappointed by both of them and abandoned, she says that I have my father’s character

There is a saying: “The best defense is a good offense.” When you try to make her accountable for her drinking, she doesn’t take responsibility for it, but instead blames you, telling you that you are like your father. She also blames you for your past mistakes. That’s a way to deflect attention from herself and talk about you and your deficiencies.

She is refusing to take responsibility for her own deficiencies, for her own bad behavior, and instead focuses on you and your weaknesses. And if you mention hers, she is quick to accuse you of being selfish and mean, like you father.

What she is doing is emotional abuse: emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, false accusations and portraying herself the victim while falsely portraying you as the villain.

She always gives examples of daughters who’s parents were alcoholics and abusers and those women were strong, not like me, and found husbands & got married. Why those comparisons? I don’t understand that.

This is another way how she accuses you: that you are not strong enough, because other women are supposedly stronger, even if they had abusive parents. So again, she is not taking responsibility for her own abusive behavior, but accuses you of not being strong enough to endure the abuse. It is called victim blaming.

It is similar to your father’s spiritual gaslighting: when he told you that your soul chose him to be your parent, which supposedly clears him from all responsibility. So again, victim blaming.

I see a similarity between your mother and your father: they are both abusive, but deny all responsibility, and actually blame you for all sort of things: from being selfish if you want anything for yourself, to being weak for not enduring their abuse better.

So both of your parents actually blame you for their own parenting mistakes, as well as for their present-day abusive, selfish behavior. Pretty astonishing!

Everytime her hurtful remarks make me sad and I need a few days to recover from that. How can I respond to her?

No wonder those remarks hurt you, because she is blaming you, while the truth is that you are actually her victim. And also, you are a loving and caring person, and so when your mother tells you you are selfish, a part of you starts thinking that maybe you are indeed selfish. Specially since you have received the same treatment from both of your parents: accusing their own child for having normal child’s needs, and now, for having normal adult needs!

So unfortunately, what you have learned from your parents in your childhood (and it is continued to this day) is that having legitimate needs is selfish. That you don’t matter, but only they matter. This is the kind of programming that you are dealing with and that you would need to “reprogram”.

With such parenting, it wouldn’t be surprising if one of your core false beliefs were “I don’t matter. I am not important”. Do you perhaps feel that way about yourself?

How can I respond to her?

I think similarly as to your father: to start setting boundaries. But first, to not believe her when she is guilt-tripping you and accusing you of being selfish. To know that you have the right to your needs, to your own life. That you are not a selfish person for wanting good things for yourself.

And secondly, I would stop trying to make her see how destructive her behavior is, and how badly she has hurt you:

If I try to protect myself and tell her that she should not drink and that I felt disappointed by both of them and abandoned

Unfortunately, she is the kind of person who denies any responsibility of her own. So trying to extract any kind of admission from her (that she’s hurt you, past or present) will likely result in her accusing you and hurting you even more. Similarly as you stopped expecting that kind of admission from your father, try not to expect it from your mother either. Because chances are she won’t give it to you.

Instead, start planning your future. Look into options of working abroad or moving away. Try not to feel guilty. I know it’s easier said than done, but start with at least a mental understanding that you have the right to meet your needs and go after your happiness.

You can start small, by affording yourself something (perhaps a gift for yourself, or a trip that you always wanted to make), to counter the false belief that you and your needs don’t matter. So maybe give yourself a gift, spoil yourself with a little something, because you definitely deserve it.

And then you can start planning for bigger things: how to be caring towards your mother (and her cousin), and yet not sacrifice your life. How to find a balance between caring for your own needs and caring for other people’s needs.

The truth is that you can be loving and caring towards others, but do it from the place of self-love, not the place of guilt and self-denial.

I hope you can start walking on that path, Dafne. The path of self-love, self-care, self-compassion. This is not selfishness at all, but what we all need if we want to truly live and be happy.

I know you can do it, Dafne. It’s fantastic that you are already trying to help yourself, and feeling a bit more empowered and hopeful about the future.

I am rooting for you, Dafne! Please let me know how it is going. And if you feel stuck, I am here…

Lots of love and a big hug <3