Dear Brian:

I re-read this morning every word you shared in your various threads since your very first post on Jan 9, 2022, almost 2 years and 4 months ago. I learned that (I am boldfacing your words):

It is very, very important to you, in the context of social interactions, to be genuine, not fake, not a fraud, not robotic and dishonest. You prefer to not interact with people at all than to interact with people who are fake, robotic and dishonest about how they really feel, and you don’t want to reciprocate such fakeness.

You feel/ have felt disconnected from the society where you live because people are praised for their so-called positive interactions, which, being fake, are not really positive: “I really would rather someone not talk to me at all than say a few meaningless phrases out of obligation… saying ‘It was great talking to you’, when you didn’t enjoy the conversation is what I’m referring to“.

“Trying to fit into the social structures of a society has been a challenge for me… A long time ago, I decided to live by my own rules… If I don’t think you’re funny, I wont laugh. If I didn’t enjoy the conversation, I might wish them a good day, but I wont say that it was great talking to them“. You will not answer certain questions that people ask you, and the questions you answer, you will not answer in the ways you believe people expect you to answer.

“My intention is to simply seek input and possible solutions… I don’t mind new perspectives… How do you give a good impression without appearing disingenuous?… I wish supernatural beings would communicate with me. That would be cool. I just don’t think it has happened… Spiritual beings are welcome to communicate with me. I don’t think they have yet.“-

– “Being spiritual means seeking a meaningful connection with something bigger than yourself, which can result in positive emotions and wiser action” (an online definition). I will add to this definition, “which can result in genuine positive emotions”.

It’s almost like you gave up on having genuine connections with people, so you hope to connect with supernatural beings, or spiritual beings instead.

You are welcome to continue to be genuine here, in your thread, and I wish you to be genuine in-real-life, every day. Strange how I forgot, that for a long time, I was very troubled by the same thing, fakeness vs genuineness. When I caught myself smiling not because I felt like smiling, I stopped the smile. I hated being fake-nice to people, and I made sure that my face showed anger when I felt angry. Coming to think about it, as I am typing to you.. growing up (growing in is more accurate), I wasn’t allowed my own emotions, I was severely judged for my emotions, as in being a bad person for .. genuinely feeling this way, or that way. So, I turned my genuine emotions inward, pushing them down.

My mother was super nice to people most of the time, super-ingenuously nice, that is,  when in their company, flattering them, complimenting them, feeding them with the most expensive foods… and then she’d complain about them behind their backs, saying that they take advantage of her and hurt her feelings. When I suggested to her to stop being so nice to them, she said she couldn’t. When I offered to be not-nice to them myself, to speak up for her, she ragefully threatened to kill me.

And so, I was made to be quiet during hours and hours (through the years) of watching her sort of go belly up with fake, exaggerated niceness to people who, she claimed, were bad people. It was a torture for me. I remember how difficult, how uncomfortable it was to hold all my anger inside, without expressing it. I was angry at the people who she claimed were taking advantage of her, and I was angry at my mother for being so nice to them and never allowing me to do what was right and just: to make the supposed bad people go away, instead of being so nice to them.

Thank you, Brian, for making it possible for me to understand what I shared right above better than I ever did.

“How do you give a good impression without appearing disingenuous?“- maybe a lot of people are stuck (like my mother was, like I was.. and sometimes, still am) in ingenuity, and not liking it at all. If you model being genuine- in a friendly way though- it will encourage some other people to be genuine too.

anita