Dear Robi:

May 16, 2024 (31): “I remember when I wrote the first post.. the very, very long post. I was in Cluj, in a room I was renting there… I was suffering soo deeply back then… I was hurting so much and I just didn’t know why – I was looking for answers but didn’t have clarity”.

June 2018 (25): “Hello ! I’m about to tell you a story… I am not doing anything at all in general and I guess I’ve been pretty much always like this… In school I was never interested in much of the subjects and I just wanted time to pass… when I was really young (kindergarten young), I used to cry every time they took me there, and I used to love spending a lot of time with them, but I guess things changed on the way… I wasn’t really doing anything but existing… waiting. idling… not that much changed now… Overwhelmed by options.. Overwhelmed by life…  I also hated them for not having my own room…  It had a door basically made of glass… They used to also come in whenever they needed something from there… I never had my own space… I used to minimize whatever was happening on my computer every time they were entering the room… Maybe I was trying to keep something for myself… They could almost see me through that glass door. Also hear me…  Indeed I think I am in the habit of waiting… I feel like I need to wake up in the morning and go somewhere with a purpose, and have a routine that keeps me alive… I keep feeling like I should just disappear. Go somewhere new and just start a new life. Just leave everything behind… I’m so tired of waiting..”.

May 17, 2024: “I’m in a room I’m renting in Spain – girlfriend back in Poland…  I am certainly more grounded now. I’ve certainly found my way to connect, relax and focus. Doing sports,  meditating, breath work and yoga have been the fuel for my cleansing process. I sometimes look at my morning ritual I can’t believe Its really me doing all these things… This time, my relationship couldn’t be more different than the previous one…. I found that communication works miracles. This time I have the awareness to at least spot when I get triggered… (I) realised that I was able to work for 3 years online, making a decent income… recently I was working 2 jobs ( both of them quite uncomfortable in many ways ) – I managed to handle both of them well without feeling too anxious”.

“Now.. part of me thinks I should stay here in Alicante and do whatever it takes to have a job… I seem to miss Warsaw a lot… but I also have doubts.. I would have to live with my girlfriend and her mother (again) until I have a decent income and afford renting something ). Also, If I don’t find work right away, I’m thinking of going to Romania for a while until I find something in Warsaw and then move… There are many things I love there (Romania). There are beautiful hills and forests… My dad makes home made wine and my mother cooks delicious foods. These things I miss, yes. I don’t miss being controlled and observed by my parents all the time though. But does it have to be like that?… I think I can set my boundaries better now. I’d like to be able to go back to what I believe is partly my house, to the country I grew up in, without being afraid of becoming a trapped kid again… There has to be a way to find my financial independence, become a more responsible adult and be OKAY with my past. I don’t want to keep running away from the place that wounded me. The place hasn’t done a thing to me anyways….What do you think Anita?”-

– I am glad you asked what I think (I was going to tell you anyway, lol): you have been growing up and adulting since you left home (Romania), I am impressed!                              C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S    !    !    !

I think that the function of you staying with your parents in Romania (or with them anywhere else) is the undoing of the adulting you achieved so far, or worse (the extent of the damage depends on how long you stay with your parents, and on your connection with people other than your parents while there). I believe this to be true not because of a weakness special to you, but because of how very powerful one’s childhood experience with one’s parents is over the development of a one’s brain.

Your childhood experience: “I used to minimize whatever was happening on my computer every time they were entering the room“. You minimized your computer and you minimized yourself: your interests, and your feeling alive and being active in the here-and-now (“I was never interested in much of the subjects… wanted time to pass… I wasn’t really doing anything but existing… waiting, idling”). You had enough space to exist, but not to live. You were depersonalized, (as you mentioned before).

You wrote back in June 2018: “I feel like I need to wake up in the morning and go somewhere with a purpose, and have a routine that keeps me alive… I keep feeling like I should just disappear. Go somewhere new and just start a new life. Just leave everything behind… I’m so tired of waiting..“- I think that if you stay with your parents, you will disappear again, more so the longer you stay with them. The reason- your brain developed with this reality: your parents presence in your life= minimized you.

I think that your father’s home-made wine, your mother’s delicious food, beautiful hills and forests and driving on twisty roads will be fun until.. you find yourself a minimized, trapped kid yet again.

I think that working and living close to, or with your girlfriend in Poland, in your own place (not with her parents) is a good plan for you.

anita