Dear Anita,

Thank you very much for your kind words, I felt really good when you used the meaning of my name to make it a symbolism of healing. I want to free myself from this trauma and suffering, its been too long but I don’t know how to give myself peace and solace among these intrusive thoughts. I know I lack self-compassion, for I at times judge myself for obsessing over these intrusive thoughts.

Thanks for understanding my trauma about the scholarship situation, I really appreciate that, and I am saying so because most of the people around me couldn’t. They couldn’t understand why I had to be depressed about a ‘scholarship issue’. No one apart from my bestfriend was able to truly empathize with me, and as a result of this, no one apart from her knows about this intrusive thought situation. I am afraid to tell this to any of my other friends because I fear that my thoughts might get dismissed again, and I will look stupid in front of them for being traumatized over this thing. The worst part is that I am not being able to tell my therapist about this. She has been so helpful over the last two years and I am grateful for all her help and support, but something within me stops me from sharing all of this with her. This is when I have regular sessions with her and currently we are working on my enraging thoughts only. Its like a part of me is adamant to not approach for any professional help or even help from friends on this matter.

Another thing I observed recently, that the scholarship situation at times makes me live in fear. Sometimes I see all what I am achieving and doing (touchwood) here, and then comes an intrusive thought with the fear that all of it can be lost, and I would have lost this if the situation wouldn’t have sorted. I had to recently file documentation for my monthly stipend and there was some issue going on with it, even that made me imagine the worst possible things. A flip side to this is my constant anxiety about ‘making the best’ out of this opportunity and a perpetual feeling that I am not doing as much as others are doing, I am lagging behind. I do not want to spend the two years of my masters consumed in these intrusive thoughts and struggling with my mental health because of them.

Thanks,

Kshitij