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kshiti1502

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)
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  • #431854
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your response. I took my time to read and re-read this post, and thankfully I was able to do so without feeling triggered. I agree with the idea of a ‘hated sibling’ because I used to observe it even as a child that my father would project his anger towards  and perceptions of my grandfather over me, just because we two have an undeniable facial similarity and to an extent, behavioral similarity too. At times it felt that he was not even considering me as an individual person and just as a copy of my grandfather, assuming that I would do a certain thing just because my grandfather would do it that way. I don’t know why but he did have a problem with me not being ‘like’ him, in my thoughts, actions, behavior and other things. One reason he acts differently towards my younger brother is because he probably sees himself in his personality, he finds a similarity.

    I also agree with your idea that when I would use to think as a child that everything is aright between me and him, there used to come another ‘sermon’ or an incident of his bad treatment. My last hopes of having good terms with him in future were quashed after his inexplicably unkind treatment during my disease, there was no going back from that point. Now, when I live abroad away from home, he tries to get close to me and acts very cordially; but the more he tries the more I get repelled because I have decided to maintain a distance with him going forward.

    One common thing between my intrusive thoughts and my issues with my father is rumination. Since childhood I would use to ruminate over incidents of his unkind treatment and that happens even now when I think about a past situation or hypothesize about a future confrontation. It leads me to rage fits at times although I am usually a calm person. If I remember correctly, back when I was a kid/teenager, there used to be times when I would be filled with rage, despair and frustration and I would cry myself to sleep.

    What I am not able to understand is that how the scholarship situation triggered the CSS inside me? even though during that time of emotional turmoil, I thought about my struggles with disease and anxiety but not about my childhood struggles? Do you think there were thought patterns responsible (like low self-esteem, externalization of self-worth etc.) that I developed as a result of childhood trauma and they gave me problems during the scholarship issue?

     

    Thanks,

    Kshitij

    #431568
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Roberta,

     

    Thank you very much for your suggestion. I will definitely go through this book, hope it helps me as well .

    Regards

     

    #431567
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have some close friends back in my home country who talk to me on a daily basis, and make me feel good. I am still developing new friendships in the UK and maybe it will take time to develop close bonds.

     

    Regarding the second part, yes I feel it was exactly like this. I have never heard an appreciation or compliment from my father about my nature, about who I am apart from studies. Instead from early childhood, I would get to listen to very harsh criticism and ‘sermons’ (if the word conveys what I try to say) on even the most trivial issues. he would use to presume that in any given situation, I would be automatically at fault. It was like he had a problem with everything I did and I don’t know why his attitude was like this considering his contrasting attitude towards my younger sibling.

    Kshitij

    #431536
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    This relation of learned helplessness and self compassion with childhood makes sense to me and I won’t deny the possibility that it is somewhere rooted in my childhood experiences (especially my problematic relationship with my dad). It is true that I wasnt shown enough compassion and appreciation, and there was a point in my teens when I began to feel as if I had nothing good in me apart from my academics.

     

    Regarding my living situation, I am currently in a different country (UK) where I  shifted in October 2023 for my masters. Previous to it, I was living away from home since 2022 for my undergraduate studies. But I used to regularly come back at home.

    My spine condition is much better as of now touch wood, my medication stopped in December 2022 and currently I’m doings well on that front. But yes its true that I didn’t get the compassion and even kind treatment I required during the peak of my disease.

     

    Kshitij

    #431533
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I find this very accurate to my thoughts about the situation. But I am not able to get why I am imagining myself in such depressing scenarios now? Whenever i begin to ruminate, I ultimately end up thinking how I would have got hopeless and stopped trying to make things better for myself.

    Secondly, I sometimes feel as if ruminating itself is a self destructive activity which I partake and maybe one of the reasons I imagine giving up on my own wellbeing is a lack of self compassion. Please guide.

     

    #431517
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thanks for your detailed feedback. I feel the situation to be better at the moment, and I have been able to deal with moments of intrusive thinking most of the times if not every single time. But somewhere in my mind I feel that whatever I experience is not only because of ruminating over certain thoughts, it’s not just about that. What scares me is how I visualise myself while imagining what if situations, how I imagine myself weeping in a close room shutting myself from everything else, with no desire to do anything for self care or for taking myself out of that situation. Looking back now, I feel I was indulging in self destructive activities back then during the time of distress and my intrusive thoughts include doing such self destructive activities in my what if scenarios. One thing that occured to me as a possible reason was lack of self compassion, but I am not very sure. Sometimes I feel as if I am getting depressed even though everything is going well right now.</p>
     

     

    #430406
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I hope this thread finds you well. I am sending a list of pointers that I think can be done or applied for helping me with my intrusive thoughts. Please have a look-

    1. Using the NPARR strategy whenever possible. I have observed that doing assignments/solving questions at that moment helps me to engage with something else.
    2. I should make a mental note of how my intrusive thoughts are affecting my quality of life in the PRESENT and giving me more anxiety and negativity. I can remember this thought whenever I feel I am ruminating
    3. Starting JPMR again. My therapist had taught me this when my anxiety and panic attacks were on the peak during 2022. I can resume it in the night time when I get intrusive thoughts quite often.
    4. Monitoring my web surfing. I often begin reading/scrolling through content that triggers my anxiety and as a result intrusive thinking.
    5. Preparing a written note containing my values and purpose(s) and keeping it handy so that I can have a look at it whenever I begin obsessing over my thoughts.

    Thanks

    Kshitij

    #429019
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Thank you. I will do that and come up with an organized list.

     

    Thanks

    Kshitij

    #429017
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your reply. It won’t be possible for me to see a doctor because of financial restraints as well as the possibile complications with my spine disease, and I personally dont want to go on that road. Is there anything else I should try doing that might help me?

     

    Thanks

    #429012
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Thank you very much. I will share the simplified question and other things soon. Right now I would want to focus on the second part, because my intrusive thoughts have again begun to consume me, and I am having a breakdown everyday because of them. I’m trying the strategy but isn’t doing much help. What should I do ?

     

    Kind regards

    #428705
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Hope this message finds you well! Very sorry for my long absence. Thanks for checking out on me. I think I am in a better headspace now to talk about this.

    About values, I did an exercise a few weeks ago where I needed to categorize all the values I found relevant into four sections and then take one value from the each section. The values I came down to are- Success, Personal Development, Well-Being and Growth. But I feel this is not the complete thing and I need to do more work to develop better perspectives.

    Regarding goals, I tried to think on this topic in one of the entries of my gratitude journal. Here is what I could come up in terms of concrete goals- 1)researching in my areas of interest as an academician, 2)contributing to my field through my work, 3) developing a solid knowledge base, 4)personal and spiritual growth, 5)engaging with literature through publications and reading books 6)spending time with and being around my friends and loved ones. How to develop a greater sense of purpose and develop a better approach towards the core component of my life?

     

    Also, I would like to ask you about mindfulness. How can one apply it for anxiety and intrusive thoughts as well as for overall wellbeing?

     

    Thank you

    #428452
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you very much for sharing the workbook with me. Sorry for not replying earlier, my term is approaching it’s end so was kind of jam-packed.

     

    Will it be okay if I share my values and goals as mentioned in the earlier thread in a couple of days ?

     

    Regards

    #428236
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Thank you very much for your suggestion. I will look into emotion regulation workbooks any particular one that you would suggest?

    I remember you telling me about finding purpose in a previous thread. In the past few months, I have tried to align myself with my true values and goals, and would like to have your advise over how to develop these patterns along with that of purpose.

     

    Thanks

     

    #428163
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Roberta,

    Thanks for suggesting me the book. I will definitely go through it and take valuable lessons from it.

     

    Thanks

    #428162
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Thanks very much. Sorry for my late reply, not too well from the past few days. Yes, I think it makes me anxious because I feel a lack of control that scares me about how things will go. I will try to find things in my day to day life that I can control, and finding a way to do them in my own way.  But, sometimes especially during that period, it all felt insignificant in front of the circumstances that were sort of out of my hand. What to do about this thought?

     

    Thanks

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)