Dear Anita,

Thanks for your insights and kind words. Its been a rough week, and I feel emotionally exhausted by having either intrusive or enraged thoughts. It was almost a loop, when the former faded the latter began to float. Not sure how I will manage with it. Nevertheless, I tried sitting with my intrusive thoughts yesterday and am writing some points. This might be a long post so please read it according to your convenience. When I introspected; deep down somewhere, I felt grief, grief that was so heavy that I am not able to cope with it even though my reality is different from what my intrusive thoughts make me imagine. I had felt this intense grief when I was facing the issue with scholarship and it has remained within me, refusing to fade away. Never in my life I had felt such an intense pain, such an intense grief (not even during the time I was in the worst of my health and I know what that was) that was unsurmountable. Whenever I spiral into intrusive thoughts, I feel hurt inside which I felt during those days as well. Hurt because the entire situation was uncalled for, it was because a bureaucrat found it satisfying for their  whimsical reasons to keep my application pending. I had met all the eligibility criteria, and over a very trivial matter that I had clarified with an official clarification from my university, that officer deliberately withheld my file. This left me hurting and thinking about it hurts me even today. I was on the brink of losing the single biggest opportunity of my life till now all thanks to them. This unfairness added to my pain and hurt and filled me with despair unexperienced before.

The third emotion I felt within me was hopelessness and we have had talked about it. As you mentioned above, the thought that ‘no matter how much I tried, things would always go worse’ appears to be in the core of the problem. I agree to this possibility. I felt hopelessness because I felt tired of seemingly endless challenges and being on survival mode constantly. I had already endured a very difficult 2020-21, struggled with panic attacks/anxiety in 2022 and before even six months could pass since a considerable healing of my anxiety, I got rocked by this situation. I was hoping 23 would be the year where I would get some good things in life and move ahead but instead I facing all this, for the first time I was in a literal and total mess, I felt a darkness around me and I had no clue about anything unlike the previous times when I at least knew my path to recovery. To be honest, I was even tired of ‘recovering’ from things, I felt that all my energy and life is being consumed by these challenges and things happening one after the other. That is why I thought maybe giving up was a better choice, I lost all hopes because all I could see was pain, misery, misfortune and difficulties. Just when I had thought that I have overcome some major challenges, I was hit with another. I am able to remember these many details at the moment but I know I was on the verge of slipping into depression back then, and I decided to gave up on my wellbeing because I had absolutely no energy and I was emotionally reacting this way. (not something I am very proud of.) That is why whenever I get into a spiral of intrusive thoughts, I imagine myself depressed, I imagine myself isolated, drowned in misery and weeping on my condition. I imagine myself turning into a bitter person suffering from grief and pain. The real problem is that some part of me feels that all of this would have been the reality had the scholarship situation taken a different turn, and that is why it makes me scared, anxious and fearful. Seven months have passed by, and I still feel that I would have ended up like this, I feel the same grief and hurt creeping up in my intrusive thoughts. I still feel that I would have lost all my hopes and gotten into a downward spiral. I feel scared for myself, what would have I actually done in ‘that’ reality if I think like this in my anxious thoughts.

Now about my problem with father. I think that my relation with him did not make me think that I can never succeed because I could not succeed in having a good relation with him; I gave up on that long ago. I think his problematic behavior ended up showing in my self esteem, in my self worth(remember I mentioned externalization of self worth?) Because I had to bear up with a lot of ‘sermons’ from him, criticisms and disapprovals from other members of my family; I began focusing too much on ‘achieving’ things, in pursuit of ‘showing everyone’ what I could do through my decisions and career. Now I see, this showed up in my workaholism and my desire for external achievements and approvals. During the scholarship issue or even before it happened, I think I attached my self worth with this opportunity. I saw my peers advancing in their careers and doing great things, and all that along with the existing dependency of my self-esteem on external things, I got devastated when this situation happened, my self worth took a great hit and that contributed to my problems as well as my anxiety that went out of my control. I think that is one area where my father’s past behavior definitely impacted me because it had already damaged my self-esteem as a child.

It felt comforting to type down all these things.

Thanks,

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what will it take for me to get over this thing. I will complete first year of my masters in a month’s time and I am still in misery over this thing. It’s tiring now, please suggest something

Thanks

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your message and sorry for replying so late. I am trying to process the childhood trauma, meditation and journaling are helping me in at least keeping my mental peace and not letting my past memories and rage subsume me completely. I am sometimes surprised seeing that a memory which would cause rage to me five years ago has the same sting even today, and I feel as hurt as I would at some point in the past. Sometimes I just end up having violent rage-filled thoughts that ruin my mood and subsequently my day. No matter how many times I have gone over a past memory, it stirs the same emotions every single time.

Regarding anxious and intrusive thoughts, I am observing a greater tendency of workaholism and stress. Almost every day I am stressed out about something or the other, hardly leaving anytime for myself. There is a general feeling of hopelessness I feel these days, in regards with my intrusive thoughts and other things. I am approaching the end of my first year, and yet I am stuck in the past, struggling with what-if scenarios and attached to my trauma. I tried making friends and social groups in the previous terms but now I seem to have given up on that. It fills me with despair to see that I am not utilizing the opportunity I so dearly wanted in a fulfilling way. And at these times, a voice in my head gets louder and louder, which thinks that I am not as good and smart as others. This was something my father used to say to me, I remember the day when I had gotten into my dream college for under-grad, he had literally said that I am not ‘smart’ like the other students and hence, will suffer from frustration. I feel despair and loneliness, and intrusive thoughts worsen these situations.

Regards

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your response. I took my time to read and re-read this post, and thankfully I was able to do so without feeling triggered. I agree with the idea of a ‘hated sibling’ because I used to observe it even as a child that my father would project his anger towards  and perceptions of my grandfather over me, just because we two have an undeniable facial similarity and to an extent, behavioral similarity too. At times it felt that he was not even considering me as an individual person and just as a copy of my grandfather, assuming that I would do a certain thing just because my grandfather would do it that way. I don’t know why but he did have a problem with me not being ‘like’ him, in my thoughts, actions, behavior and other things. One reason he acts differently towards my younger brother is because he probably sees himself in his personality, he finds a similarity.

I also agree with your idea that when I would use to think as a child that everything is aright between me and him, there used to come another ‘sermon’ or an incident of his bad treatment. My last hopes of having good terms with him in future were quashed after his inexplicably unkind treatment during my disease, there was no going back from that point. Now, when I live abroad away from home, he tries to get close to me and acts very cordially; but the more he tries the more I get repelled because I have decided to maintain a distance with him going forward.

One common thing between my intrusive thoughts and my issues with my father is rumination. Since childhood I would use to ruminate over incidents of his unkind treatment and that happens even now when I think about a past situation or hypothesize about a future confrontation. It leads me to rage fits at times although I am usually a calm person. If I remember correctly, back when I was a kid/teenager, there used to be times when I would be filled with rage, despair and frustration and I would cry myself to sleep.

What I am not able to understand is that how the scholarship situation triggered the CSS inside me? even though during that time of emotional turmoil, I thought about my struggles with disease and anxiety but not about my childhood struggles? Do you think there were thought patterns responsible (like low self-esteem, externalization of self-worth etc.) that I developed as a result of childhood trauma and they gave me problems during the scholarship issue?

Thanks,

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

I have some close friends back in my home country who talk to me on a daily basis, and make me feel good. I am still developing new friendships in the UK and maybe it will take time to develop close bonds.

Regarding the second part, yes I feel it was exactly like this. I have never heard an appreciation or compliment from my father about my nature, about who I am apart from studies. Instead from early childhood, I would get to listen to very harsh criticism and ‘sermons’ (if the word conveys what I try to say) on even the most trivial issues. he would use to presume that in any given situation, I would be automatically at fault. It was like he had a problem with everything I did and I don’t know why his attitude was like this considering his contrasting attitude towards my younger sibling.

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

I find this very accurate to my thoughts about the situation. But I am not able to get why I am imagining myself in such depressing scenarios now? Whenever i begin to ruminate, I ultimately end up thinking how I would have got hopeless and stopped trying to make things better for myself.

Secondly, I sometimes feel as if ruminating itself is a self destructive activity which I partake and maybe one of the reasons I imagine giving up on my own wellbeing is a lack of self compassion. Please guide.

Dear Anita,

I hope this thread finds you well. I am sending a list of pointers that I think can be done or applied for helping me with my intrusive thoughts. Please have a look-

1. Using the NPARR strategy whenever possible. I have observed that doing assignments/solving questions at that moment helps me to engage with something else.
2. I should make a mental note of how my intrusive thoughts are affecting my quality of life in the PRESENT and giving me more anxiety and negativity. I can remember this thought whenever I feel I am ruminating
3. Starting JPMR again. My therapist had taught me this when my anxiety and panic attacks were on the peak during 2022. I can resume it in the night time when I get intrusive thoughts quite often.
4. Monitoring my web surfing. I often begin reading/scrolling through content that triggers my anxiety and as a result intrusive thinking.
5. Preparing a written note containing my values and purpose(s) and keeping it handy so that I can have a look at it whenever I begin obsessing over my thoughts.

Thanks

Kshitij