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kshiti1502

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 32 total)
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  • in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #433044
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your replies. Being enraged for a considerable time of the day is indeed exhausting, I was in a loop of enraging memories a few minutes ago as well. It becomes very difficult to not let the emotions take over, it is even interfering with my studies at time.

    On your reply dated 20th May- the officer certainly did that because they wanted to, it was completely intentional. I could see other applicants getting their files approved with ease, and even after submitting the required clarification multiple times, they just didn’t let my application proceed. The more I tried, the more personal it became for them. I don’t know why they did all that, but it was unjust, it felt cruelly unfair.

    I agree that there was some unresolved anger because I took that anger on myself. I was frustrated, frustrated to the melting point, and I took that frustration on myself. It felt that I was taking some revenge by hurting myself. I can remember this because during that time, I simply refused self-care or any help, I began developing an apathy towards myself, believing inside that why should I put my efforts when all things have to happen this way. A part of my intrusive thoughts are about self-harming behavior (not physical harm) like discontinuing therapy, cutting off all friendships and relations, refusing proper diet and taking care of my physical health and even giving up my career aspirations and a desire for numbness. Such intrusive thoughts hurt me further, they scare me because if I am thinking these things even after seven months, what would I have actually done. It was a point when I began feeling anger towards life itself, because all I could feel was despair, defeat and hopelessness, I felt so much for pity for myself for having to face all this.  I would like to know more about solving this unresolved anger.

    About self-esteem, you described it in an accurate manner. It wasn’t the case earlier, but as time went by (especially after graduating from my undergrad college) I began getting attached with this thing, and a point came when I attached my self worth to it. I feel that I got more and more attached to this thing with the worsening of the scholarship issue. And I don’t know why I should not have! It was the single largest opportunity of my life till now and it was going waste because of such a reason! All my hardwork, efforts and sacrifices seemed nothing.

    I too feel a lack of self compassion in me, I feel that the only person who would look down on Kshitij is Kshitij himself. The outer world doesn’t judge me, I judge myself. Its me who fixes my self worth on my external achievements and my work. For some reasons I have developed a habit of self sabotaging, of being kind with everyone but me. I sometimes feel that lack of self compassion is the very reason I suffer so much from these intrusive thoughts, because I cant let them go, I cannot do what is required for me to find some peace and solace.

    A side note- I read a few things about OCD and intrusive thoughts (and I am not self-diagnosing at all) and I have realized that probably my intrusive thoughts are also a sort of compulsion. But, I am not making any kind of decision on this.

    Thanks,

    Kshitij

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #432913
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Thank you. I will share more things with you shortly. In the meantime, I have this question. Can my intrusive thoughts be a part of OCD? I recently read that they can be caused as a part of it.

     

    Thank you

    Kshitij

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #432842
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your insights and kind words. Its been a rough week, and I feel emotionally exhausted by having either intrusive or enraged thoughts. It was almost a loop, when the former faded the latter began to float. Not sure how I will manage with it. Nevertheless, I tried sitting with my intrusive thoughts yesterday and am writing some points. This might be a long post so please read it according to your convenience. When I introspected; deep down somewhere, I felt grief, grief that was so heavy that I am not able to cope with it even though my reality is different from what my intrusive thoughts make me imagine. I had felt this intense grief when I was facing the issue with scholarship and it has remained within me, refusing to fade away. Never in my life I had felt such an intense pain, such an intense grief (not even during the time I was in the worst of my health and I know what that was) that was unsurmountable. Whenever I spiral into intrusive thoughts, I feel hurt inside which I felt during those days as well. Hurt because the entire situation was uncalled for, it was because a bureaucrat found it satisfying for their  whimsical reasons to keep my application pending. I had met all the eligibility criteria, and over a very trivial matter that I had clarified with an official clarification from my university, that officer deliberately withheld my file. This left me hurting and thinking about it hurts me even today. I was on the brink of losing the single biggest opportunity of my life till now all thanks to them. This unfairness added to my pain and hurt and filled me with despair unexperienced before.

    The third emotion I felt within me was hopelessness and we have had talked about it. As you mentioned above, the thought that ‘no matter how much I tried, things would always go worse’ appears to be in the core of the problem. I agree to this possibility. I felt hopelessness because I felt tired of seemingly endless challenges and being on survival mode constantly. I had already endured a very difficult 2020-21, struggled with panic attacks/anxiety in 2022 and before even six months could pass since a considerable healing of my anxiety, I got rocked by this situation. I was hoping 23 would be the year where I would get some good things in life and move ahead but instead I facing all this, for the first time I was in a literal and total mess, I felt a darkness around me and I had no clue about anything unlike the previous times when I at least knew my path to recovery. To be honest, I was even tired of ‘recovering’ from things, I felt that all my energy and life is being consumed by these challenges and things happening one after the other. That is why I thought maybe giving up was a better choice, I lost all hopes because all I could see was pain, misery, misfortune and difficulties. Just when I had thought that I have overcome some major challenges, I was hit with another. I am able to remember these many details at the moment but I know I was on the verge of slipping into depression back then, and I decided to gave up on my wellbeing because I had absolutely no energy and I was emotionally reacting this way. (not something I am very proud of.) That is why whenever I get into a spiral of intrusive thoughts, I imagine myself depressed, I imagine myself isolated, drowned in misery and weeping on my condition. I imagine myself turning into a bitter person suffering from grief and pain. The real problem is that some part of me feels that all of this would have been the reality had the scholarship situation taken a different turn, and that is why it makes me scared, anxious and fearful. Seven months have passed by, and I still feel that I would have ended up like this, I feel the same grief and hurt creeping up in my intrusive thoughts. I still feel that I would have lost all my hopes and gotten into a downward spiral. I feel scared for myself, what would have I actually done in ‘that’ reality if I think like this in my anxious thoughts.

    Now about my problem with father. I think that my relation with him did not make me think that I can never succeed because I could not succeed in having a good relation with him; I gave up on that long ago. I think his problematic behavior ended up showing in my self esteem, in my self worth(remember I mentioned externalization of self worth?) Because I had to bear up with a lot of ‘sermons’ from him, criticisms and disapprovals from other members of my family; I began focusing too much on ‘achieving’ things, in pursuit of ‘showing everyone’ what I could do through my decisions and career. Now I see, this showed up in my workaholism and my desire for external achievements and approvals. During the scholarship issue or even before it happened, I think I attached my self worth with this opportunity. I saw my peers advancing in their careers and doing great things, and all that along with the existing dependency of my self-esteem on external things, I got devastated when this situation happened, my self worth took a great hit and that contributed to my problems as well as my anxiety that went out of my control. I think that is one area where my father’s past behavior definitely impacted me because it had already damaged my self-esteem as a child.

    It felt comforting to type down all these things.

     

    Thanks,

    Kshitij

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #432666
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita,</p>
    I am preparing my dinner right now, kind of helps. But I am talking in a larger perspective, the intrusive thoughts have become frequent from the past few days and now I feel tired and hopeless about them. What can I do?

     

    Thanks

    Kshitij

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #432663
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what will it take for me to get over this thing. I will complete first year of my masters in a month’s time and I am still in misery over this thing. It’s tiring now, please suggest something

    Thanks

    Kshitij

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #432660
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita,</p>
     

    Thanks for your response. Can I get back to your message later? Because right now my intrusive/obsessive thoughts are getting more frequent again, and I have begun to feel hopeless about them.

    Thanks,

    Kshitij

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #432603
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your message and sorry for replying so late. I am trying to process the childhood trauma, meditation and journaling are helping me in at least keeping my mental peace and not letting my past memories and rage subsume me completely. I am sometimes surprised seeing that a memory which would cause rage to me five years ago has the same sting even today, and I feel as hurt as I would at some point in the past. Sometimes I just end up having violent rage-filled thoughts that ruin my mood and subsequently my day. No matter how many times I have gone over a past memory, it stirs the same emotions every single time.

    Regarding anxious and intrusive thoughts, I am observing a greater tendency of workaholism and stress. Almost every day I am stressed out about something or the other, hardly leaving anytime for myself. There is a general feeling of hopelessness I feel these days, in regards with my intrusive thoughts and other things. I am approaching the end of my first year, and yet I am stuck in the past, struggling with what-if scenarios and attached to my trauma. I tried making friends and social groups in the previous terms but now I seem to have given up on that. It fills me with despair to see that I am not utilizing the opportunity I so dearly wanted in a fulfilling way. And at these times, a voice in my head gets louder and louder, which thinks that I am not as good and smart as others. This was something my father used to say to me, I remember the day when I had gotten into my dream college for under-grad, he had literally said that I am not ‘smart’ like the other students and hence, will suffer from frustration. I feel despair and loneliness, and intrusive thoughts worsen these situations.

    Regards

    Kshitij

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #432053
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    <p>Dear Anita,</p><p>Thanks for your insights. I now understand the relation between my intrusive thoughts and my childhood trauma in a better way. How should I work towards changing/ breaking these thought patterns and resolving the childhood trauma that still causes me so much pain. At times these memories and thoughts lead me to rage fits, where my anger just seems to be like boiling. Even today before writing this post I had one such instance of rumination which led to me getting enraged over him again. I was at home for a few weeks in March-April and I had a few situations with him, so my thoughts have become more frequent since then.</p><p>About the intrusive thoughts, I think they have got better than before. I read an article at the forum itself which gave me the idea that I am safe even in the moments of intrusive thoughts and they are not going to harm me. But, I also think they are manifesting themselves in other ways, directly/indirectly making me more stressed and uptight about the things around me (especially career and studies related) when I already have visible patterns of overworking. There still are moments when I cant help but wallow down in the misery of my thoughts. As my bestfriend put it for me – “you think you need to suffer again and again that’s why you drag yourself back to those thoughts and situations.” My intrusive thoughts at times make me feel more insecure, stressed and even depressed. I honestly feel scared in my heart sometimes when I am obsessing over these thoughts, although their instances have reduced.</p><p>I would like to know your views about both these points, which certainly would be of a great help.</p><p>Thanks,</p><p>Kshitij</p><p> </p><p> </p>

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #431854
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your response. I took my time to read and re-read this post, and thankfully I was able to do so without feeling triggered. I agree with the idea of a ‘hated sibling’ because I used to observe it even as a child that my father would project his anger towards  and perceptions of my grandfather over me, just because we two have an undeniable facial similarity and to an extent, behavioral similarity too. At times it felt that he was not even considering me as an individual person and just as a copy of my grandfather, assuming that I would do a certain thing just because my grandfather would do it that way. I don’t know why but he did have a problem with me not being ‘like’ him, in my thoughts, actions, behavior and other things. One reason he acts differently towards my younger brother is because he probably sees himself in his personality, he finds a similarity.

    I also agree with your idea that when I would use to think as a child that everything is aright between me and him, there used to come another ‘sermon’ or an incident of his bad treatment. My last hopes of having good terms with him in future were quashed after his inexplicably unkind treatment during my disease, there was no going back from that point. Now, when I live abroad away from home, he tries to get close to me and acts very cordially; but the more he tries the more I get repelled because I have decided to maintain a distance with him going forward.

    One common thing between my intrusive thoughts and my issues with my father is rumination. Since childhood I would use to ruminate over incidents of his unkind treatment and that happens even now when I think about a past situation or hypothesize about a future confrontation. It leads me to rage fits at times although I am usually a calm person. If I remember correctly, back when I was a kid/teenager, there used to be times when I would be filled with rage, despair and frustration and I would cry myself to sleep.

    What I am not able to understand is that how the scholarship situation triggered the CSS inside me? even though during that time of emotional turmoil, I thought about my struggles with disease and anxiety but not about my childhood struggles? Do you think there were thought patterns responsible (like low self-esteem, externalization of self-worth etc.) that I developed as a result of childhood trauma and they gave me problems during the scholarship issue?

     

    Thanks,

    Kshitij

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #431568
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Roberta,

     

    Thank you very much for your suggestion. I will definitely go through this book, hope it helps me as well .

    Regards

     

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #431567
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have some close friends back in my home country who talk to me on a daily basis, and make me feel good. I am still developing new friendships in the UK and maybe it will take time to develop close bonds.

     

    Regarding the second part, yes I feel it was exactly like this. I have never heard an appreciation or compliment from my father about my nature, about who I am apart from studies. Instead from early childhood, I would get to listen to very harsh criticism and ‘sermons’ (if the word conveys what I try to say) on even the most trivial issues. he would use to presume that in any given situation, I would be automatically at fault. It was like he had a problem with everything I did and I don’t know why his attitude was like this considering his contrasting attitude towards my younger sibling.

    Kshitij

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #431536
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    This relation of learned helplessness and self compassion with childhood makes sense to me and I won’t deny the possibility that it is somewhere rooted in my childhood experiences (especially my problematic relationship with my dad). It is true that I wasnt shown enough compassion and appreciation, and there was a point in my teens when I began to feel as if I had nothing good in me apart from my academics.

     

    Regarding my living situation, I am currently in a different country (UK) where I  shifted in October 2023 for my masters. Previous to it, I was living away from home since 2022 for my undergraduate studies. But I used to regularly come back at home.

    My spine condition is much better as of now touch wood, my medication stopped in December 2022 and currently I’m doings well on that front. But yes its true that I didn’t get the compassion and even kind treatment I required during the peak of my disease.

     

    Kshitij

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #431533
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I find this very accurate to my thoughts about the situation. But I am not able to get why I am imagining myself in such depressing scenarios now? Whenever i begin to ruminate, I ultimately end up thinking how I would have got hopeless and stopped trying to make things better for myself.

    Secondly, I sometimes feel as if ruminating itself is a self destructive activity which I partake and maybe one of the reasons I imagine giving up on my own wellbeing is a lack of self compassion. Please guide.

     

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #431517
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thanks for your detailed feedback. I feel the situation to be better at the moment, and I have been able to deal with moments of intrusive thinking most of the times if not every single time. But somewhere in my mind I feel that whatever I experience is not only because of ruminating over certain thoughts, it’s not just about that. What scares me is how I visualise myself while imagining what if situations, how I imagine myself weeping in a close room shutting myself from everything else, with no desire to do anything for self care or for taking myself out of that situation. Looking back now, I feel I was indulging in self destructive activities back then during the time of distress and my intrusive thoughts include doing such self destructive activities in my what if scenarios. One thing that occured to me as a possible reason was lack of self compassion, but I am not very sure. Sometimes I feel as if I am getting depressed even though everything is going well right now.</p>
     

     

    in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #430406
    kshiti1502
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I hope this thread finds you well. I am sending a list of pointers that I think can be done or applied for helping me with my intrusive thoughts. Please have a look-

    1. Using the NPARR strategy whenever possible. I have observed that doing assignments/solving questions at that moment helps me to engage with something else.
    2. I should make a mental note of how my intrusive thoughts are affecting my quality of life in the PRESENT and giving me more anxiety and negativity. I can remember this thought whenever I feel I am ruminating
    3. Starting JPMR again. My therapist had taught me this when my anxiety and panic attacks were on the peak during 2022. I can resume it in the night time when I get intrusive thoughts quite often.
    4. Monitoring my web surfing. I often begin reading/scrolling through content that triggers my anxiety and as a result intrusive thinking.
    5. Preparing a written note containing my values and purpose(s) and keeping it handy so that I can have a look at it whenever I begin obsessing over my thoughts.

    Thanks

    Kshitij

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