Dear Anita!

I miss you!

“– When I submitted to you my May 14 post, I was excited: I thought/ hoped that my input will motivate you to seek quality psychotherapy (financed by your very rich father. Personally, I can’t see a better use for a very small portion of his money). Having read your post today, 15 days later, I can see that my intended help only made you feel worse.”

– I am currently very interested in CBT, I know I have some generational trauma that my parents passed down to me in times of low consciousness. Instead of ignore them and let life happen to me I want to use life to become aware of my shadows and overcome them. Currently, and recently I have been made aware of these shadows, aka false selves, and they are overwhelming when stacked together. I feel like CBT will help me but I am struggling to find a therapist. I am afraid someone will lead me astray and in my vulnerability I will be so impressionable..

“I am sorry, Seaturtle, that my May 14 post made you feel worse. I feel sad that it did, really sad.”

– I really appreciate this (heart emoji). I know your intentions were not to make me feel badly, and I appreciate you being honest about your thoughts. Like you said humans are so complex so I know that someone else’s diagnosis of me can only be so accurate because you are not directly in my shoes. I see how you came to your conclusion I just felt at such a low energy that I didn’t have it in me to fuel my defensiveness, or too think too much about it, at the time.

“May the teacher’s 3rd eye remain open and pull you out and away from your sad/ depressed energy and toward your intuition.”

– I have found a lot of healing energy inside the entire organization. It is called Brain and Body yoga, and the teachings and exercises/movements have really helped me uncover some joy inside of me that I lost. There is so much laughter there and everyone seems to be very in tuned with their child like spirits, and I miss that about myself. I lost that little girl for a while because, as you know, I had to quiet her to stay in that relationship.

“May the chapter of “Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships” come to an end.”

– This is my overall journey. However I have hit a major checkpoint within the last week. I have heard and seen N in the last week, he gave my things back, although much thrown away. I witnessed myself again let my ego take over and try to explain myself to the closed third eye. Although I felt my heart was very sad that night when I got home, something was happening inside of me. Instead of ignore my heart, I did what I had just learned from a book and tried to instead appreciate the low frequency harmony/music, my heart was playing. I heard it as a violin. When I would be tempted to go to my mind and make up images and stories to make myself feel better I would eventually pull myself back to my heart and just let myself hear it. It was very sad and hard for me to sleep but then the next day I spent nearly the whole day at the Brain and Body yoga center, they asked me to help them with videos for their new website and I was so honored they wanted me on their page! It will be up in a couple months and I will let you know where 😉 Being there completely raised my vibrations and last night, for the first time I realized that I would never go back to N. Something that may seem like I should have realized earlier but I really still had a small sliver of hope I didn’t know how to release. Last night I deleted our photo album, and then I had a great sleep and woke up better than I went to sleep. I felt so proud of myself, I woke up in a high state! I felt this overwhelming trust for my sleeping self haha. Today I am throwing away memorabilia from our relationship, things that sliver of me was saving just in case I wanted the memories later on. I feel a sense of closure, I finally know I never have to see him again, not for my things and certainly never to try and explain myself to him ever again. A book is closing, a stick is breaking and I feel free.

I hope this is not a fleeting sensation, I hope I am strong enough not to give attention to the things he said about me. I have always had this overwhelming feeling to be better, and sometimes that feeds in to caring what others think of me because I wonder, maybe they see something in me that I don’t. My teacher at Brain and Body is helping me to overcome this but I have not fully grasped this concept yet.