Dear Dafne,

good to hear from you! I am doing so-so health-wise, which does impact my mood. But it’s okay, what else to do but keep on keeping on…  🙂

I hope I gave you now a little bit of a clearer picture of this complicated situation. It is still emotionally hunting me.

Thank you for clarifying, and yes, it’s a complicated situation. But perhaps I can answer one of your questions right off the bat:

Would you ever accept living with a man in such a partnership (situationshp) or the whole live-in proposal was bad news?

No, I wouldn’t agree to plan my life with a man who isn’t divorced, and there is no timetable of him getting divorced either. And who gets angry with me when I ask about his actual legal status:

It might be that the divorce was never finalised. He never showed to me the final document although I asked many times. Apparently it got lost somewhere or his ex forgot to send it to him. He got angry and shut me down easily.

So he was hiding from you that he isn’t actually divorced. If he had gotten divorced, he too would have received the final divorce papers, not just his ex-wife. So he was messing with you, not telling you the truth, and then using anger to shut you down, so you would stop inquiring. That’s a big red flag. Just on that account, it’s better you didn’t continue the relationship with him – since he was willing to lie about such an important thing.

He also told you that his ex-wife didn’t contribute anything towards the house, i.e. that he was paying off the loan by himself (His ex wife did not contribute anything (his own words)). However, she was not living in that house, and was actually renting a place, where she was living with their children (she started renting a place not too far away from him.)

So perhaps they’ve made a deal that he should be paying off the loan on the house, while she is paying for her rent. In which case he cannot claim that she “didn’t contribute anything.” And it is only fair that she is half owner of the house (they both still have the same rights to the house.)

He might have led you to believe that she is financially using him and is unfair with him (He also told me that his ex mentioned that she will make sure that no new woman in his life will get anything from him.), but that he is nevertheless a generous person and will leave the house to her and the children. When in fact she might be paying for her half of the house indirectly – by paying the rent for the accommodation where she is living with their children.

And they probably made such a deal that he cannot sell his half without her approval. I don’t know what would happen in case of his death – provided that they are not legally divorced but only separated. But it could even be that his half of the house would go half to his ex and half to his children. If so, then in case of his death she would get 3/4 of the house, and the children 1/4.

In any case, I can imagine that she ensured that he cannot sell his half of the house, i.e. that he cannot take the family home from underneath her and the children. In that sense, no new woman would get any part of their house (no new woman in his life will get anything from him). Which I think is fair.

It doesn’t even mean that he is such a generous father, but that his ex-wife made him accept such a deal, for the benefit of the children (and her as well).

On the other hand, he didn’t want his wife to leave the country and take the children, so in that sense, it might mean that he really cares about his children.

Your mother had 2 objections about him, due to which she didn’t want you to marry him:

She thinks till today that he only cared about his kids and would never marry me anyway.

Her first “accusation” of him is actually a positive trait: that he cares about his kids. It could be that it was actually his ex-wife who forced him (e.g. by signing such a contract) to make sure that she and the children are taken care of in terms of the living situation. In any case, I still don’t think that it was a weakness that he “only cared about his kids”.

Your mother’s second objection (that he would never marry you) is a justified one, especially since there wasn’t a timetable for their divorce, so it might have been for an unspecified time. Another problem is that he wasn’t upfront about it – he didn’t want to talk about his divorce and would get angry when you asked.

He wanted you to sign a cohabitation agreement and in it, give up the right to his house. Which in itself wouldn’t be such a big problem. But what are you getting, i.e. how would you (and your possible common children) be protected with only the cohabitation agreement in place?

I am not familiar with cohabitation agreements and all that legal stuff, but it seems unfair for him to protect his first wife and children maximally, to the point of not even legally divorcing her, and then have almost like a second-class, lower-rank relationship with you, in which you don’t get the same status and the same rights as his ex-wife. In which you are demoted to a “cohabitation partner” indefinitely.

Maybe I am wrong because I don’t know what the cohabitation agreement entails (maybe it does protect common children?). But since he was hiding the facts about his divorce, it is likely that you wouldn’t have the same rights as his ex-wife.

So in that sense, I think your mother was right when she discouraged you from marrying him. As I said, simply the fact that he was hiding important details about his divorce is enough of a red flag for me.

In terms of your fear that you would be used as a servant to him and his children, perhaps there wasn’t an immediate danger of that, since you said that the children only spent every second weekend at his place.

I helped him to look after his small kids (they stayed with him every 2 weeks).

They used to have an arrangement where his kids stayed at his house every 2 weekend. So they shared the custody. Then just before our brake up, she moved closer to him and the kids stayed more often at his.

Originally, the children stayed at his place every 2nd weekend, which doesn’t seem like such a big burden. But then they did move closer to him and started spending more time with him, and he might have thought it would be convenient to have someone to take care of them. But it didn’t seem like his main motivation from the start, since originally the kids spent only 2 days in a fortnight with him.

I’m telling myself that if he really cared about me, he would never break off the engagement because of my mother’s refusal. What difference did it make? He would try to make it work somehow because he could not stand the thought of losing me. Well, at least that’s what I would do in the same situation.

He insisted to see your mother’s place – perhaps to see what kind of real estate you have and maybe to be sure that in case of separation, you do have a place to stay (what some advisors suggested as a possible explanation of his interest in your mother’s house). Perhaps he needed it to be able to jot down the cohabitation agreement? Like, this is yours, and this is mine – and it shall not be mixed. I don’t know.

Or perhaps he didn’t like that your mother is opposing your relationship – since he wasn’t willing to legally marry you – and he didn’t want to have that kind of family situation. Since you said he is quite close to his family and was frequently consulting with his sisters. I can imagine his family helped him with the loan for his house too, since you said he was unemployed when you two met.

Anyway, I don’t know his motivations to insist on seeing your mother’s house, but he was certainly much more pragmatic and practical in his approach, rather than idealistic:

He would try to make it work somehow because he could not stand the thought of losing me.

Even if he might have liked you, the practical circumstances were very important to him, so for him, it wasn’t true that “love conquers all.”

This situation made me think of my parents. My fiancé was at least trying to protect his children and their mother. My father did the opposite. He did the same arrangement but to protect his young ex wife and her daughter after his death. And she doesn’t even care about him.

Yes, your fiance did what was right in terms of protecting his children and their mother. Your mother didn’t appreciate that aspect of him, but as I said, it’s a positive trait.

Your father unfortunately didn’t possess that trait, and your mother didn’t manage to stand up for herself and force him to ensure some kind of financial support for you and herself – if he already abandoned you physically (and emotionally).

It seems that his second wife was more demanding and managed to ensure a house for herself and her daughter. So she stood up for herself. Because I can imagine that your father wouldn’t have given her much, if it was up to him.

It is interesting that your mother still requires you to be kind to your father, although he never treated either you or her kindly. He was and is mean to you. But your mother is defending him and is his enabler. And she didn’t recognize that your fiance possessed one quality that your father didn’t possess: willingness to do his duty and take care of his children.

It doesn’t mean that your fiance was super generous – perhaps it was the ex-wife who forced him to do what is right. But nevertheless, he didn’t shy away from responsibility. Still, the question is how he would have treated you and your possible common children, in a situation where he is already burdened by a mortgage and will be for a foreseeable future.

Last time I spoke with my father’s ex, she told me that she is paying for the house (she still lives there and visits now and then) and doesn’t know what nonsense my dadd told me (her words). My father told me that they both contribute 50/50. They both tell me 2 different versions.

They might be paying 50/50 for the house, so that part might be true.

Also her daughter can come and go as she pleases but there was not even a room for me and I always had to announce my visit and stay on their terms (no key either). I never felt that I’m visiting a father. I’m trying to let all those negative thoughts go as much as I can. I pray and let it with God but it still hurts.

Well, that house is their common property, and probably his ex is very careful not to have anyone “occupy” it and lay claim on it. It would be nice that you can visit and stay the night whenever you want, without needing her approval, but she is the owner too and she wants to be consulted.

So I kind of understand her (cold) stance, but I also know it hurts you to need to ask for permission to stay with your dad. You are treated like a guest, because unfortunately that’s not your house, even if it is your dad’s house in half.

And I know it’s not a good feeling. Your father didn’t care about ensuring a home for you, and your mother wasn’t strong enough to make him fulfill his responsibilities (has she ever claimed any financial support from him while you were a child?). And so now you are a guest in his house, unfortunately.

Tee, do you see the pattern here? Is there anything I can do to stop attracting same people and situations into my life (that are the reflection of my father)? They say that the history likes to repeat itself and that our life depends on the frequencies we send to the Universe. Are you familiar with that concept?

Yes, I am familiar with the “Law of Attraction”. I don’t know about frequencies, but yes, we are attracted to people who remind us of our parents, because we want to get love and validation from them – from someone who reminds us of our neglectful or abusive parent. Our inner child is still longing for that love and validation, and so we look for people who are similar to our parents.

Is there anything I can do to stop attracting same people and situations into my life (that are the reflection of my father)?

You can do a lot to stop being attracted to selfish men, by being more respectful of your own needs and wants. Respecting yourself more. Not settling for breadcrumbs.

I don’t know selfish your fiance was, but the fact that he wanted to keep you in a cohabitation relationship for an indefinite time and possibly never marry you isn’t a good sign. Also the fact that he said his wife didn’t contribute anything to his house when in fact she was probably paying for the apartment she and the children were staying at – tells me he is lying and being dishonest.

Whenever you feel that the person is hiding things from you – important things that you should know about and that can impact your future – you don’t need to accept it. Demanding truth and transparency is also a part of self-respect and taking care of your needs. You don’t want to settle for a guy who is hiding key information and then gets angry when you want to know the truth.

Tee, what do you think? Would you try contacting him again and see how his life goes? Or it is a waste of time and it might do more harm?

No, I don’t think you should contact him, because he wasn’t honest with you, he was hiding important information from you. So no, please don’t contact him, because that would mean lacking self-respect and agreeing to accept an uncertain, unfavorable living situation, and a dishonest guy who might not have your best interests in mind.

I stopped doing most of my projects after the break up. I just couldn’t find the same energy and inspiration as before. I used to spend a lot of time with him and his kids in the nature and now it doesn’t feel the same.

Oh so the breakup has to do with it? I guess you lost enthusiasm and fell into a kind of depression? I do hope you can start nurturing yourself again and doing things that bring you joy and aliveness. Because that’s so important for your healing!

The problem is that if she gets angry or realises that I want to move out, she starts blackmailing me. It’s just the way you described it. She starts guilty trips or memory flashbacks. I think she is able to give him away when the need arises to make her point and she might harm herself too. I just don’t trust her judgment when she drinks.

How does she behave when she drinks? Aggressive? Or she falls asleep and “switches off”?

As I said, if she starts blackmailing you, you can tell her that you’ll need to report her to the GP because she might be dangerous to herself or the dog, especially since she has a drinking problem. So you blackmail her right back.

But please don’t fall for her blackmails – I still think those are just empty words!

Lots of love and strength and determination to you, dear Dafne! <3