Hi, really interesting reply.

Ive never really looked into my past as a child as a reason for how I feel. To be honest with you I can’t name specific times I’ve felt that way. I was kicked out of my house a lot by my mum, I suppose my dad had left the house abruptly a couple times and stayed away. I was bullied pretty badly in school and tried to just brush it off, which worked at the time.

I talked to her about what we were going to do when she goes home. In order to get to Australia in November, I’d need to work every day from when she leaves till when I leave. I told her I can’t do this. Before I met her, my ex had left me just over a month before and I was in a bad place mentally. She helped me out of that and gave me something new and fun to put everything into. I said I should be able to get to Australia in January.

She also mentioned that she doesn’t think we should begin an official relationship, and that we shouldn’t be exclusive at least until I get to Australia. She said this isn’t because she wants to sleep with other people, but that she still doesn’t have the trust back in me not to do the same thing I did before. She said before she would close off other opportunities for me, but she might not this time. She’s very upset and has cried a lot over the past day, and I can’t help but feel scared because I don’t know if I feel the same anymore.

This just feels so weird to me because a week ago I was watching football with my friends and I missed her. The same happened when I felt this way before and I missed her when I was watching football. I feel like I’ve lost interest, and although she is what I thought I want, maybe she isn’t? She’s funny, very smart, saves money, works hard, she’s going to be very successful and is already on £40,000 a year at 20 years old. She’s conservative (not politically), she cares about me, cooks, cleans, treats me well. She’s not materialistic, she would want to help me improve my life and me the same for her. But sometimes she gets upset about her body (which is literally a models body) and doesn’t want to do things like swim in the ocean when we were on holiday. She doesn’t seem to party, and sometimes I think to myself she’s a bit boring. This feels cruel to say. Before these are traits I would’ve found attractive, and I find girls that are too boisterous and promiscuous unattractive. This girl is willing to try new things with me, but maybe just not everything I want. I don’t know!

I think I’ve devoted so much time to her in the last 5 months without getting over my last girlfriend, and neglected my family and friends so much that I’m now starting to see that too. Everything I’ve done for the last 5 months has been for her. She’s been my motivation the entire time.

It’s strange, I don’t want anyone else, but the thought of this being forever is scary. She’d be an amazing wife and a brilliant mother. She has a great loving family and lives in a lovely house, she doesn’t deserve to be hurt. She whispered she loved me last night when we were falling asleep and it broke my heart.

I didn’t feel it back.

I think the best decision for me now is to try and have a happy 2 weeks before she leaves. It’s likely I’ll suggest that we don’t remain in contact for the next few months as I save for Australia as I don’t think it’s healthy, especially if I want to pursue a potential future with her. I’m angry at myself because I want to love her. I want to think about her and think about our future and be excited. I want to feel how I felt 2 months ago. I want to feel how I felt working 80 hour weeks and thinking it was all worth it and all going to be okay because it was all for her.

She helped me out of a very tough part of my life and I feel like I’m about to drop her into the way I felt. It isn’t fair. Last Friday, she was taking longer to reply to me than normal and it annoyed me, I worried that she didn’t feel for me as much anymore. Then I got to hers and all was well. We had a great weekend.

I do have concerns with our sex life too. She’s inexperienced and doesn’t know what she likes. There is only one way we can have sex that makes her finish, which is her on top. I don’t have anyone in particular I think my sex life was better with before, so I find this weird. Afterwards I feel amazing, but thinking back on it, it doesn’t feel amazing.

I just have so many conflicting feelings. I think I need to take a break from it all and find myself. I’ve relied on women to make me happy for the last year and it isn’t healthy. I feel guilty.

I wish I’d met her in Australia so that I would’ve never cheated, and so we didn’t have to have such a weird relationship. Maybe we’ve spent too much time together in a small period (every minute of every Saturday, Sunday + Monday and some Fridays/Thursday evenings for the past 2 months) so my brain is just used to her now. Maybe the feelings she has for me now are the ones I had for her when I was working so much for when she came. I knew I loved her before she got here, and now I don’t think I do.

Next week I probably will again, maybe I wont. I don’t know. I want to love her, she’d give me a great life.

My exes before have been pretty horrible if I’m honest, one was nice until the end. Maybe this is what my problem is. I’m scared if I can’t love this girl for more than 6 months, how am I meant to do it for anyone else. I’m just in an awful position. I think if I let her go I’ll look back on 10 years and think what an idiot I was.

I don’t know.