Dear t:

“Growing up my mother never communicated but expected me to read her mind and anticipate her moods and needs. If I didn’t do this, she would blow up and yell, throw things, etc. As a result I have a tendency to mind read… Since we’ve had similar experiences, I would love to hear what has helped for you in healing from your past if you’d be comfortable sharing… It’s just been hard to find a therapist I really click with. I’m not sure that talk therapy has much to offer me and am considering trying a different modality“–

–  (1) My healing started with my first quality psychotherapy experience in 2011-13, and it was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), with a heavy dose of Mindfulness. I looked specifically for a CBT therapist after reading and completing the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Workbook for Dummies (one of the for dummies books, good at simplifying things). CBT is about challenging our thoughts, and when distorted/ inaccurate, replacing inaccurate thoughts with accurate thoughts. When this happens, the distress  that accompanies inaccurate thoughts is lessened and we feel better.

An example from what you shared in your original post: “When we aren’t spending time together I am extremely emotional in ways I have never experienced before. It does interfere with the rest of my life: I have cried at work, cried in public“: when you aren’t spending time with him, certain thoughts go through your mind, and there is great distress accompanying these thoughts. Thought such as I will never see him again, he must have forgotten about me, etc. would be distressing. CBT would challenge these thoughts, for example, asking: what evidence do you have that he forgot about you? Perhaps he didn’t call you because he is busy? Etc.

If you catch yourself thinking: he is thinking that he doesn’t love me anymore (mind-reading/ assuming), CBT will challenge this thought: what evidence do you have that he is thinking this?  Did you mind-read him/ assumed in the past, later to find out that your assumption was wrong?  You can read more about CBT online or in books and workbooks.

(2) The Mindfulness part of my therapy started early with my therapist assigning me with a guided meditation ever day(one of Mark Williams’, an Oxford University expert on mindfulness). The purpose of these guided meditations is (over time of practice) to insert a calm space in between distressing thoughts, so that they don’t overwhelm you. This is part of emotion regulation: to experience emotions but not to be overwhelmed. There are other mindfulness exercises besides guided meditations. For example, a walking meditation. You can read further about emotion regulation online and in books/ workbooks.

(3) I decided to end all contact with my mother whose abusive behaviors over the years and decades have damaged me greatly. Last time I talked with her was on the phone in 2013. It took me a long time to feel okay about the no-contact, but it helped with my healing.

(4) I’ve been involved in these forums daily since May 2015, communicating with many hundreds of people over the years, and it’s been part of my healing.

(5) My irl interactions and communications with people increased, and that too, has been part of my healing.

What are your thoughts about what I shared so far?

anita