Dear Tom:

You shared about your childhood for the first time, a day or two ago: “I didn’t like arguments etc. which did make me anxious as to when the next one would be… He and my Mum had a strained relationship and would often fight. As a child, I hated conflict and would often be worried of what/when the next fight would be. They would be sometimes become very heated, sometimes violent. I would try and appease the situation if I could“.

On May 15-16, 2019, you shared: “I have been with my current company since 2014 and have worked myself through the ranks. I have become a little frustrated with my income there and other issues within the company. I have been offered a new role… I think the concern is just leaving a secure position for one that isn’t. But I know you have to take risks sometimes and this could be one of those times“.

June 12, 2019: “I have accepted the new role and am looking forward to the move. I am currently working my notice in my current position… I know I have made the decision that is best for me as I was unhappy“.

Almost five years later,  May 26, 2024: “After 5 years with my last company I took a new job offer around and am now 4 weeks in, about to start my 5th week. I left my previous job because there had been a takeover and the threat of redundancy loomed… I feel my confidence is draining while I am there and I come home unhappy etc. with it impacting my sleep“.

More than 3 months later, Sept 6, 2024: “More time has passed and I am still not enjoying it and counting down until the weekend and them dreading to go back come Sunday evening“.

My thoughts about all the quotes above: to grow up in a home where there are occasional or frequent conflict,  arguments and fights between parents, sometimes very heated, sometimes violent (your words), is to become very sensitive to any sign of what could be the next fight, so to prepare for it, so to appease the situation whenever possible.

If both parents are present in the home, and one parent is talking to the other and his/ her voice becomes a bit louder, the child emotionally react to the increase of volume with alertness and fear, as in thinking: is this a sign that the next fight is about to begin?   The bit of increase of volume sounds much louder in the child’s brain because of having experienced scary fights before, and fearing the next.

For a non-anxious child who lives in a peaceful home, a bit of volume increase is just that, a bit of increase, and the emotional reaction of the child would be mild or none. But for an anxious child who lives in a sort of war zone, the bit of increase sounds LOUD, and the emotional reaction (fear, alertness) is significant.

Fast forward, the anxious, alert child is an anxious adult in the workplace, and any sign of trouble sounds much louder, or feels much worse than it is (for non-anxious adults) because of the habitual emotional reaction to conflict that took hold in childhood. The anxious adult overreacts, emotionally, to conflict and arguments in the workplace: to those other issues within the company, that you mentioned back in May 2019, and to the takeover and the threat of redundancy that you mentioned five years later, in May 2024.

Back to five hours or so ago, you shared: “My situation is now that I’m engaged and very happy at home with my partner and dog. We have a good life. As you know, I changed job a few months back and it’s not going well as I hoped… I feel stuck as I get paid well it’s not hard to find a new job but I also feel unfulfilled and don’t want to be like this.“- I am glad that your current home life is a good one! In regard to your workplace: think, if you will, what conflicts are happening there, conflicts between co-workers/ management, criticisms.. some kinds of threats (like the threat of redundancy that you mentioned back in May, in regard to the old workplace). You may be overreacting to such. With some work you can learn to tone down the overreaction, to sort of turn down the volume of the conflicts/ threats in the workplace. This is what emotion regulation is about: undoing/ calming emotional over-reactions).

anita