Dear Seaturtle:

Thank you for your appreciation! “As my natural self is revealing itself, the conflict is the thought ‘stop this is too much expression!’“-

– your use of natural self makes me think of Shakti (in the title of your thread). Wikipedia/ shakti: “Shakti in Hinduism, is the ‘universal power‘ that underlies and sustains all existence…  According to the Monier-Williams dictionary, Shakti is the Sanskrit feminine term meaning ‘energy, ability, strength, effort, power, might, capability‘, and ‘capability for‘, or ‘power over‘”.

May you access and maintain access to Shakti every day, every night, and so,  have power over the voice that tells you this is too much expression.

“In these moments K has seen me start to go back into my shell and looked at me with curiosity as I am hiding in my turtle shell… And as he starts to reveal himself, it brings me out of my shell again… K is very receptive to what I tell him I need to feel more comfortable, and not only does he not react as though it is inconvenient to him, he acts with admiration that I know what I need and he is happy to give it“- a perfect match for a sea turtle!

“This neutral and positive response from him lets me hear this conflict in me. Rather than F and N looking at me confused and irritated, which only adds to what is going on in my head and I can’t even hear myself because of the new thoughts their reactions create“- excellent insight, I am impressed!

From your post to Helcat: “I think this is how I live my life, I am in automatic for a while then I hit some sort of wall that doesn’t make sense to me, so then I have to pause and see more of my unknown unknowns before I can move forward. Sometimes I even get anxious, just wanting to know all the things I don’t know before I move forward so not to make a mistake or not live my life to the fullest“- I am thinking that if you access and maintain access to Shakti, you will not be anxious, not for as long as you and Shakti are One. I want to adopt this concept today.

“Maybe this is also why I was away from this forum for a while, because I came here in my state of knowing there were unknown unknowns, and You and Anita, helped me see so much. Then I ran on automatic with my new eyes, and now I am looking to see more once again. I wonder if this window of running on automatic, shortens over time and my capacity to see unknown unknowns broadens, and at some point I will be constantly seeing the unknown unknowns, and living as wise as I can..“- I am thinking that to tap into/ to be One with Shakti, it takes trusting yourself to be a good person first, because you wouldn’t allow a bad person all that power and capability. I wouldn’t.

When I believed or suspected that I was a bad person, I wasn’t able to be spontaneous most of the time. I was regularly hesitant, careful; I waited, postponed, retreated, scared of making mistakes. Because a mistake by a bad person.. is a big, bad mistake.

A short walk down memory lane- Oct 11, 2023 (your third post in this thread): “I have wondered before if I am a narcissist and a taker in life”- this is you suspecting that you are a bad person.

Same revealing post: “Every 3 months, not an exaggeration, we would have what he began to call ‘house cleaning’ where we would sit down and he would list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house“- in other words, every 3 months he would list the ways you were a bad daughter/ a bad person.

And your reaction (same 3rd post): “while I lived with him I went through a lot of suicidal thoughts  and running away attempts“- thinking about killing the.. alleged bad person (yourself), and running away from the person who sent you this painful message that you are a bad person.

On Oct 13, I wrote to you: “For a young child, a parent is like a mirror facing the child…  similar to your father in suggesting that you didn’t care about him, my mother suggested the same, and she went on long tirades about how- not only did I not care about her- but that I wanted to hurt her feelings, that I made elaborate plans to hurt her, etc. All untrue, paranoid-like. She was my mirror and her presenting me as BAD, when I was not.. was a different kind of darkness in that mirror”.

Your response, same day: “It is so interesting that you bring up the mirror metaphor, I had never heard this before until just today…  I would cry every time my dad would go on this tirade, because I am someone who cares so deeply for people, so that he accused me of the opposite made me feel so lost, made me wonder if I knew myself at all. I wonder if this created self doubt in you? and how you overcame/ are overcoming this self doubt? My dad to this day still very often misinterprets what I do and who I am and it hurts every time, he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcissistic. It is scary when someone tells you that you are coming across a certain way that is unbeknownst to you, it makes me self conscious about how I do come across, which if I let myself overthink this I become awkward in social situations“-

– It hurts every time a parent accuses a child of being a bad person. Such a repeated accusation causes a child to cry, (to) feel so lost…  self doubt… self conscious… overthink… become awkward in social situations.

A child needs be SEEN by a parent as a good person. Without that, the child (and into adulthood) is afraid to look further into oneself and see perhaps.. more bad things, more evidence of being a bad person, and the child/ adult is afraid of showing to others, in social situations, evidence of being a bad person. So we overthink, we doubt ourselves, we are scared to express because.. something bad may become visible for others to see.

This all fits with the quote I started this post with: “As my natural self is revealing itself, the conflict is the thought ‘stop this is too much expression!’“- too much expression because some of it may be evidence that you are a bad person..?

Maybe all the seeing the unknown unknowns that you mentioned yesterday starts with seeing- with conviction- that you are a good person.

anita