Hi Bella

I understand that digging into these things can get overwhelming especially when you have a busy life to live.

I think that regarding altering behavioural difficulties. It doesn’t necessarily mean digging through past trauma. The fundamentals are fortunately pretty simple.

Give yourself some self-compassion. Acknowledge that you learned these habits from somewhere.

The truth is that habits are not a part of you and shouldn’t be identified as such. Think of it like smoking or drinking. It is simply something to stop doing. The second you stop doing it, it is over.

Emotional regulation techniques are really important because it is necessary to deal with the feelings you are experiencing in a healthy way. What do you tend to do to regulate your emotions?

What does it make you feel when your partner doesn’t do tasks at home or doesn’t take responsibility for the shared space?

Have you tried politely reminding them to do the task? How do they respond to that? For example, “Would you mind taking out the trash?”

I feel like it is quite difficult living with people who have different standards of cleanliness. There are ultimately only two solutions. Part ways or accept the behaviour. No matter how much you yell, they aren’t going to change. This means just noting, that when you see something hasn’t been done noting, that their standards are different to yours. They aren’t bothered by it, but you are and if it bothers you it is something that you are willing to change for yourself. It is 100% not a personal attack on you. You can absolutely validate yourself that it is difficult living with someone who doesn’t have the same standards. Objectively, you are handling a disproportionate amount of work. It is unfair. But by being upset by the chores not being done, you are suffering. And the resulting arguments cause you to suffer too. In the interest of having a peaceful life for yourself, this is the best way to handle it if your partner doesn’t respond to polite reminders. The only alternative is to separate.

I’m sorry that your partner is saying such horrible things about you. They are not an innocent snowflake themselves it sounds like. Even if someone does something that upsets someone else, it is still not appropriate to respond with abuse. You don’t deserve it. Your partner doesn’t deserve it.

I can see that you empathise with your partner’s difficulties and blame yourself. Blame is very counterproductive. It functions only to make yourself feel bad. You want to be a better person, great you can do that without blaming yourself.

You didn’t choose your childhood trauma. As a young adult you are still learning how to overcome the conditioning you learned in childhood.

How are things with your partner outside of these difficulties? How frequent are the difficulties? How long have you been together? Please feel free to not answer any questions you wish. I’m just seeking a bit of context about your relationship.

The final step essentially involves thinking about how much you care about the person and don’t want to hurt them. Acknowledging that the behaviour does hurt them and committing to stopping. Apologising for any mistakes made is essential.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏