This year has been off to a rough start and I fear I’m stuck in a never-ending rough patch struggling to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finishing graduate school next month and trying to figure out my next steps career wise. The likelihood of a recession makes me feel like choosing the stable career path of college, work and grad school was a waste of time when I spent most of these periods friendless, alone, stressed, and trying to find myself. I got discharged from therapy due to aging out of my parents’ insurance but this was a godsend in helping me recognize unhealthy defense mechanisms that impeded me from putting myself out there and trying to make friends in college like going home on weekends due to a brash, inconsiderate, entitled random freshman year roommate who wouldn’t know a boundary or empathy if her life depended on it and a dismissive, unhelpful RA. Back then when I was in survival mode trying to find a safe space just to decompress, sleep, and do work without walking on eggshells I became too comfortable being passive and resigning myself from finding like-minded people since I didn’t click with the people in close proximity with me. As delusional as this sounds, I find myself wishing I had tried my luck at my childhood dream of becoming a famous singer/actor or being married with kids by now since at least I’d have purpose in my life. I am trying my best to abandon the victim mentality I had for most of my teens and college years as I reflect on how I am not the same person today than I was at 18 so I’d have handled things differently and set boundaries with difficult people in a healthy way if I knew back then what I know today. Since the present feels so hopeless as I am 26, living in a city I dislike and have no friends, and chronically single, I find myself ruminating over the past wishing I could go back in time and avoid mistaking certain mistakes so my present self wouldn’t be so miserable. Everyone used to tell me “everything happens for a reason” as a consolation prize in situations like getting rejected from my dream school at 17, getting rejected by a guy I liked in high school, etc but I have yet to see that these rejections for my own good since I’ve had a lot of experiences I had high hopes for like college which were letdowns. I have a NVLD, social anxiety, GAD,and depression so I have never been the popular, outgoing, life of the party, who enjoys small talk with strangers. Even today I still wish I knew which of my peers is worth trying to get closer too and who is bad news. I have a lot of love to give and even though I’ve been blessed over the years to find friends who always saw me for the kind, intelligent, funny person I know I am, I’ve spent most of my life feeling like a fish out of water. In college seeing people posting photos from parties I wasn’t invited to was deja vu to middle school when I saw my classmates come to school on Monday wearing paraphernalia from events I wasn’t invited to. I ended up leaving public school after 7th grade due to bullying issues but that’s another story. I even wish I could confront people who were jerks to me in the past just for closure. As I embark on closing one chapter into a new one with a lot of uncertainty and fear, I feel like an angsty teenager all over again when everyone around me seems so much happier, successful, attractive, and socially adept. I am comfortable with my own company and like I learned in college, I can easily travel, go to museums, or the movies by myself so I’m not waiting on others to include me and end up missing out, I really wish I had more close friends I could share new experiences with and lean on.