Dear Suzanne:

Thank you for your kind words—it truly means a lot to me that what I wrote helped you feel even a little more grounded. You are going through an incredible loss, and it’s understandable that feelings of grief, anger, and longing still arise, especially when you reflect on the past 30 years with his family. Another layer of goodbye, another piece of hurt. But I’m glad to hear that your daughter and friends are supporting you—because they are the ones who truly see and appreciate you for who you are.

You mentioned getting stuck in the “what ifs” and expectations of what his family should do. That makes perfect sense—your connection to them was part of your world for decades, and the silence now can feel like rejection. But here’s something to consider:

When we hold onto ideas of what should be, we create suffering because reality is showing us something different. They should reach out, you think. They should care more. But they are not. And that isn’t a reflection of your worth—it’s a reflection of their choices, their priorities, their own limitations.

What happens when you gently allow yourself to let go of these expectations? It doesn’t mean the pain vanishes, but it means you stop directing your energy toward a door that has already closed. Instead, you can focus on the ones that remain open—the love from your daughter, the support from friends, the quiet yet powerful strength growing within you.

I wanted to find books that might be helpful for you, so I researched titles that focus on healing, acceptance, and emotional resilience. Here are some that I came across:

* Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach (on how to release inner resistance and embrace life as it is).

* The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chödrön (on facing discomfort and finding strength in the present moment).

* How to Be Loving by Danielle LaPorte (on softening self-judgment and nurturing self-compassion).

* Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins (on emotional release and how to stop holding onto pain)

* Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff (on replacing self-criticism with kindness and understanding).

If any of these resonate with you, they may be worth exploring.

About letting go of pain- it isn’t about forcing it away—it’s about processing it, understanding it, and slowly releasing its grip on you. Here are some meaningful steps that can help:

1. Instead of resisting or denying how you feel, allow yourself to sit with the emotions. Recognizing them without self-criticism is the first step toward healing.

2. Often, pain lingers because of the meaning we give it, such as that it will never end, or that we deserved it. Ask yourself: Is this story helping me heal, or is it keeping me stuck?

3. Treat yourself as you would a close friend going through the same situation. Instead of replaying regrets or self-blame, try affirming: “I am human. I am allowed to hurt. But I am also allowed to heal.”

4. Pain often keeps us locked in the past—thinking about what was, what could have been. Ground yourself in the present with mindfulness, activities that engage your senses, or simply reminding yourself: “I am here, right now.”

5. Not all pain comes with a perfect resolution. Sometimes, we have to accept what happened without waiting for an apology or a final understanding. Closure is something you can choose and create for yourself.

6. Social media, certain conversations, places, or routines might keep reopening the wound. If something constantly pulls you back into the pain, try setting boundaries around it until you feel stronger.

7. Whether it’s writing, therapy, meditation, movement, art, or deep conversations with trusted people, allow yourself to express and process what you feel in ways that nourish you.

8. Letting go isn’t a single moment—it’s a series of choices, small shifts, and gentle reminders to release pain little by little. There is no rush, only movement forward.

Suzanne, you are not alone in this. I’m always here to talk if you want to share more. Sending you warmth and strength today. 💙

anita