Mid-day Stream of Consciousness Writing (whatever comes to mind):

It’s about undoing the silence imposed on me.

I don’t mean a calm silence, I mean a turbulent silence, feeling tornadoes raging within me (my childhood experience) and saying nothing because no one is there to listen, and someone there to criticize and attack me for any word I might say “wrong”. It wasn’t safe to talk, to express.

Here, now: I talk, I express and it’s liberating!

It saddens me that there are people I care about whom I cannot reach. I need to give up the hope of reaching the unreachable, at the least- unreachable by me.

Goodbye unreachable people. I hope you thrive in relationships with people who can reach you in positive ways.

As far as my No 1 Unreachable Person, my mother, unreachable way before I was born to her- no one can or could have reached her. Her notion that she was the Victim and I- among many others- her Victimizer, was unshakeable. I remember her beating me, taking a break, looking at her hands and saying: “Look what you did to me! You made my hands hurt!”

To be clear, she was beating me, not the other way around. And she was beating me not because I assaulted her first in words or action.

I couldn’t reach her although I tried in so many ways, for decades after that one memorable beating. It just couldn’t be done.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”- the things and the people I cannot change. Stop Trying. All it does is keeping me hurt and angry, waiting to be liked and approved of by people who won’t.

anita