Hi Anita

Do we share this in common? A Life Unlived?

I am still very much a 10 year of boy afraid of life and who created a strategy of observing, identifying all the threats, neutralize them (usually though avoidance) and then maybe engaging with life. As a work strategy it has been very helpful as I’ve made a living off of it but as a life strategy not so much.

In your above realty of healing list you note: Survivors do not “choose” to stay stuck, rightfully placing the word choose in quotes. I have been told many times to ‘just get over it and choose a better life strategy’ as if I haven’t tried.

I’ve been struggling with the notion of ‘getting over’ as I view it as a valid practice but while also knowing how hurtful it is when someone tells you to do it. So I’m going to try to explain it to myself….

In the theory behind the Enneagram it notes that you are not born into a type AND that you can’t change your type. I fought that thinking unskillfully hoping that if their was a point in time I was not yet a type I must have ‘chosen’ it, and if it was chosen once surely a undo and different choice should always be possible. Failing painfully I no longer think that. At one point this strategy was ‘chosen‘ but then became a came a ‘WORM’ – Write Once Read Memory and key part of my Core operating system. How is that for being a dork. The best I can do is to – ‘get over’ – it. Picture a bridge built over the ‘trauma’.

You are absolutely right that telling someone to ‘get over it’ is almost always harmful. Yet the concept of ‘getting over’, ‘moving on’, and letting go are valid practices in dealing with something you can’t change. Sadly when people tell someone to ‘get over it’ they are not usually suggesting the practice of ‘getting over’.

The mistake made when engaging with these practices is thinking you are changing a personalty trait or past trauma as if it didn’t happen or were not so. Your not, the practices are away to come to terms with what IS and in that way ‘bridge’ and get over… a intention of limiting the hold (suffering) the trauma or trait has on you.

Put another way a alcoholic will always be a alcoholic even if they never touch another drop. They do not ‘change’ from ‘being’ a alcoholic by engaging with the 12 steps practice though by engaging with the practice they ‘change’. This is more then a change of perspective but a ‘detachment’ (in the Buddhist sense not the western one) from what was not ‘chosen’. Detachment as a bridge?

To add to your list – how the practices of detachment and letting go are misunderstood

* People may mistake non-attachment for a lack of caring or concern for others or the world. In reality, it’s about cultivating a mindful and compassionate approach, recognizing that our actions and choices have consequences.
* Some might think that letting go means neglecting duties or responsibilities. This is not the case. Non-attachment is about not clinging to outcomes or results, allowing for flexibility and adaptability in dealing with life’s challenges.
* People might believe that letting go is a passive process, implying that they don’t need to work on themselves or take any action. In fact, cultivating non-attachment requires conscious effort and practice, including mindfulness meditation and compassionate engagement with the world.
* Another common misunderstanding is that non-attachment means eliminating all attachments, including relationships and meaningful connections. This is not the case. It’s about reducing the intensity of attachments and recognizing that relationships, for example, are not static but fluid and ever-changing.