Hi all. I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice, moreso just a space to vent my feelings.

One year ago, I made the decision to break up with my ex. Since then, I have learned so much about myself and the mistakes / reasons that went into our breakup. I had certain emotional and familial triggers that were unconsciously arising that I have since discovered from therapy. I have discovered that I’m transgender, and had poor self-image / self-confidence / gender dysphoria issues that were suppressed during the relationship. We both had poor communication styles, and didn’t know how to approach conflict in a healthy way; avoidance being our preferred method for handling tough emotions.

I am proud of myself for growing out of this relationship. Proud of myself for making the hard decision to break up – despite the fears of loneliness and insecurity that even persists to this day.

That being said, with all of this healing and transformation – I find myself yearning to return to her as my new self. Especially since accepting I was transgender, I was planning to reach out and try to rekindle things. I discovered before I got the chance that she’s in a new relationship.

This news destroyed me. Far more than I anticipated it would. I cried, barely ate nor slept for four days. Since then (about 2+ weeks ago), I find myself constantly ruminating and endlessly bargaining. Imagining a future where they break up and we get to be together again. I feel stuck in this cycle of rumination, bargaining, and delusion. My biggest block is the idea that we ‘could’ be together again. As in – it is literally and scientifically possible, despite whatever probababilities surround the possibility. And so I feel stuck on that possibility, instead of accepting that the future is unknown and out of my control.

How strange! I am grateful that I get to experience these feelings and I hope that one day I am not stuck; that I can move on completely, and tolerate a future with or without her.