Paul,

I’m sorry for the painful separation you’re experiencing, and know how sad it can be to find yourself surrounded by broken pieces. Consider that sometimes when a heart closes, it simply doesn’t reopen in the same way. Said differently, its very possible that she lost trust in you, her or the relationship, and recovering from a broken trust is difficult. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The first thing that could help you is letting her go as she was, and looking to rediscover who she is now. Consider it like a square one reset, where you have to start from scratch. Flirt, date, try to get to know her as a woman… not just “your girlfriend” or “your family”.

However, before you can even do that, you would do well to rekindle your own inner love. Said differently, if you come to her as a beggar, she will see a beggar. If you come to her as a champion of your own path, your own needs, then perhaps she will see your strength and passion. To do this, there will be a certain amount of “suck it up and do what needs doing.” Clean what needs cleaning, trim what needs trimming, craft what needs crafting and so forth. Inside and outside, perhaps you’ve left a mess that needs some attention. Now is a good time, because not only will the effort help reinvigorate your energy, but it will help you overcome the “needy greedy” voice of “what would I do without her?”

Another way of rekindling the inner fire is by spending time wishing her well, even if she decides the relationship is over. Remember and brighten the sense inside you that wishes her to be happy, even if that happiness is without you. I know its tough, that’s the point. There is a muscle that has atrophied, and it will be a struggle at first. The best exercise I know of in this direction is metta meditation. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” and following along with the breathing and visuals. In most metta practices, we move from an easy target (such as children, puppies, kittens) toward difficult targets (such as our parents, bosses, enemies). For you, consider your kids as the easy, a random neighbor for the neutral, and her as the difficult. As you strengthen the inner warmth, picture her happy and single, finding herself again after being repressed in the relationship. If the warmth turns to panic or fear or sorrow, switch back to the children and wish them well. This moving from easy to difficult will help you open up your unconditional love for her, which is perhaps exactly what has been missing.

With warmth,
Matt