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Help With Communication

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • January 10, 2014 at 2:28 pm #48893
    Kayla
    Participant

    Good afternoon everyone,

    I have been dating my current boyfriend for over two years. The first year and a half of our relationship was spent apart. He is in the military and was stationed 1,600 miles from me. We’ve now been living together for about six months. I’m very happy with our relationship, except for the fact that I have a very difficult time communicating my emotions. When something is bothering me and he asks, I automatically say “nothing.” So instead of letting it out, I bottle it up. In my household growing up my family didn’t talk much about emotions either. But, I have little problem talking to my friends about things that bother me. I haven’t been very happy with the person I am lately and am determined to become a person I would be proud to be with. In short, I’m asking if anyone has any advice on how to communicate. Most of the time I just end up swallowing my feelings until I become miserable to be around, then I burst. How do I let them go?

    Thanks, and have a great rest of the day!

    January 10, 2014 at 4:14 pm #48896
    Helen
    Participant

    Kayla,

    In romantic relationships it is not unusual, even when comfortable, to experience a level of fear that the relationship can be compromised. Your communication “block” could be a result of that even if you are not aware of it. As well, if this was the pattern in your family, it is likely that you developed a habit of this way of communicating, or not communicating. The good news is that any habbit can be changed.

    The first step, which you already took, it ro recognize what is happening. The second step is to want to make a change, which you expressed you do. And the third step is to start making small changes. Next time he asks you what is bothering you, take a deep breath, and respond differently. If you know what is bothering you, just let him know. If you don’t know what is bothering you, just let him know that you are not sure but promise to share with him when you know. I believe this will deepen your relationship with both him and yourself to you. With each time you respond differently, your new pattern will establish, the more you do it, the more comfortable you will become with the new way of communicating. And eventually it will become a new habbit, a new way of being, second nature.

    Also, do not be discouraged if it does not happen right away or if it is difficult at first. Take comfort in knowing that we all start not knowing certain things and become better with practice. From what I read in your post, I have confidence in you and your ability to make a change you want to make.

    Helen

    January 10, 2014 at 5:19 pm #48900
    Matt
    Participant

    Kayla,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how tough suppression can become. Sometimes when we’re afraid our emotions aren’t valid (“overreacting”), or they don’t deserve space in the relationship (“I should just shut up and figure it out myself”), we clamp down on them when they come up. Its like cramming things into a closet… we keep pushing and pushing, until eventually we can’t hold it in and it all bursts out… often at really awkward times. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that your emotions aren’t just deserving of space, they are an important part of the intimacy. Said differently, your relationship is about the two of you, and when you two share what you think, the intimacy grows. On sunny days, it can become brilliant and wondrous… two hearts singing in tune. When the moon comes up, it can become a little more unsettling… being in love is being vulnerable, opening our sensitivity, and so when we’ve been hurt in the past by close loved ones, it makes sense that we’d be a bit skittish.

    So on his side, if he loves you and isn’t overwhelmed with his own stress, of course he would want to help you open up to him. You might be making it more difficult by bottling it up and shooting it at him. Because you tend to suppress until you punch, consider doing what one of my teachers called “front loading”. This is where we take some time to check and make sure our partner is open, stable, and ready for a trickier conversation. On our side, it helps us look at our issue as a curious puzzle, rather than pressure cooker. It may be a little scary, but perhaps consider “my love, I am suffering, please help. For some reason, my heart is hurting, and fear is making everything jumbled. Would you sit with me, talk with me, help me find my way home?”

    The best results usually arise when we can hold hands and look at the experience together… keeping in mind there are two sides, and keeping your attention on your own. I think, i saw, i felt, i heard and so forth. For instance “my love, when I saw you laugh with that other person, I felt afraid.” rather than “you were flirting, and obviously…”

    Finally, its important to self nurture, which helps to make the agitations and fears less potent. Said differently, if you’ve taken some time by yourself to relax, unwind, let go, recharge, then its easier to not make mountains out of molehills, and approach your emotions with more gentleness and grace. Consider taking a bath with candles, listening to soft music, going for a walk in nature, or whatever helps you settle. One of my favorites is loving kindness meditation, where we intentionally grow our love for ourselves and others. Consider checking out “Sharon salzberg guided metta meditation” if interested.

    Namaste, friend, may you find balance and grace.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    January 11, 2014 at 11:14 am #48919
    Harmony
    Participant

    You are already well on your way to being all that you want to be! Just having the awareness and the willingness to change is a HUGE step. Be proud of yourself for embarking on this journey of self-exploration.

    As Helen mentioned, it’s about making small changes and being patient with yourself. Changing patterns of behaviour takes a lot of courage. And as Matt alluded to, it’s important to investigate why you are withholding your true thoughts and emotions. Take a look at what fears are holding you back. Are you afraid he might not agree? Are you afraid he won’t approve? Do you fear his rejection? Do you fear he won’t love you if he knows the real you; ALL of you?

    When we are not totally open and honest with our feelings in a relationship, we not only close ourselves off from deeper intimacy, but we also hurt ourselves. In not being true to yourself, you can lose yourself and this, as you already know, breaks your own heart and betrays your own soul.

    Speak up for yourself, knowing you are worthy and important, knowing you deserve to be heard. Speak up with courage, conviction, compassion, clarity and calmness. Congratulate yourself for every small step you make and don’t beat yourself when you fall into old patterns. It will take time but it will be well worth it! Best of luck, Kayla!

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