Hi Carmen,
I am sorry about your pain. You did not share your age and your bf’s age but I suspect you two are in your 20s.
I know love at that age is different later on in life when we have more life experience, wisdom, and time to reflect.
I know that romantic, goo-goo eye love is different from the love that has “legs.” What I mean is that love is a verb where we deal with loving ourselves and not depending on the other to validate our own selves. Mature love comes when we know ourselves and are willing to own our wounds. Love is self reflection rather than blame.
It does take someone who is willing to walk hand-in-hand through life knowing we each have work to do to really, truly love. In the meantime, we give each other grace and understanding. I value a partner who owns their shit, taking responsibility for their part of the argument (i.e. no blame, just willingness to work things out), and to know each of us has our own crap keeps us from fully trusting and to be totally intimate (emotionally, spiritually).
I value that more than romance.
I do sense you need this reassurance from him. I invite you to be your own person and not requiring validation from a lover/partner in order to be OK with him relaxing/hanging out with friends, i.e. having Guy time. Remember not everyone processes or thinks like you. . You said you are “that girl.” If you want to be able to have a relationship then let go of what you demand as the only way of communicating. Some people may need time and space before they can respond. They need time to process and think. Shaming someone into apologizing to you does not work out in the long run.
Each of you play a part in this. I suggest you own up to your part with him. It seems that you are demanding certain assurances or behavior from him. Look at what part you have played in your interactions with him and be honest about it. I would think if you are honest with your fears, insecurities, and thoughts then you two can be more honest with each other and hence a basis of a more solid relationship.
Mark
