Hi jdkm,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this painful time.

I just want to say that I completely understand! Especially the feeling of being in an unbearable situation which you just have to bear.
You are bearing it though – you’re getting through as each moment passes, and you WILL be OK even if you can’t see it now.
I’m also going through a heartbreak, although I think I’m ‘further along’ than you. I understand your loneliness and feeling like you can’t connect to any human being who isn’t your ex partner.

My advice is to accept all your feelings and just carry on with your day – go to work, see people if you can, exercise, do your hobbies or take up a new one. I know the feeling of not wanting to do anything like this, of just wishing you weren’t in this situation and not believing you’ll be able to get through it – not being able to imagine feeling OK. But getting on with day-to-day activities is important to help you move forward. You don’t need to focus on ‘getting over’ your ex boyfriend; it’s normal to feel like the world has ended when you break up with someone you deeply loved. Many people have gone through it and come out the other side, moved on and been happy again.

Don’t deny your feelings – they’re completely legitimate; but try not to let them swamp you. Do nice things for yourself. For example, I found that making smoothies each morning helped me – it was a new habit that wasn’t related to my ex, it made eating easier when my appetite was zero, and it gave me something to focus on that wasn’t related to emotions. I also took up the guitar in earnest; this was something I’d wanted to do for ages and it also served as a distraction for if I started getting caught up thinking, thinking and thinking about my ex.

I also found that writing things down, journalling I suppose, helped me stop ruminating. It also allowed me to recount the things that were wrong in my relationship which helped me remember that we’d broken up for valid reasons.

Even now I have days when I can’t believe that I’ll be that happy again, but they happen less often than they did a few months ago. When you have a bad day, remember that it will pass. Accept how you feel and just get on with your day as best you can. (Cry when you need to too, of course!) With time, you’ll start to feel more connected to other people and you’ll start to be able to imagine a future without your ex partner.

It sounds like you’re very sensible and are doing all the right things to help you heal. With time, the pain will lessen. I understand the feeling of not believing this, but I promise you it will start to happen, no matter how gradually.

Take care of yourself, and remember that you will be OK! 🙂

jdkm,

I am deeply sorry for your suffering.

When we are stricken with grief it is difficult to be focused and think clearly. It is especially so when we exert our strongest of emotions during certain events. Being stripped of such imposing emotions can leave us lost and confused as we no longer know how to operate without them. And yet, all experiences are never truly a loss. In all of our circumstances, we must always recall the positive(s) we’ve gained from having been through such ordeals. In your case, do your best to see all that you were taught and how much this event helped you grow as an individual, that although you did not last, that you gained much needed knowledge and experience. Also, it may help to adopt a grateful view. For example, be thankful for having shared such a beautiful experience that few are able to attain despite it’s end. Be thankful for all the joys, smiles and laughs you were able to exhibit. And be thankful for having been able to share your entire being with another. However, it’s important to do so in a selfless way so as to not create more chaos within your heart.

As I have told other members in the Relationship Sub Forum who have experienced similarly, you must continue to care and wish nothing but the best for that person. Regardless of the fact that you have differences (as it should be), you should wish for that person to find happiness and bliss. Doing so will bring your heart ease and perhaps closure. Knowing that this person who once gave you joy and is beautiful in his very own way should be an aim you wish for with all your heart for. Wishing the opposite would only garner discord within you and possibly transform you into a person you may come to resent.

Peace in your heart will happen if you continue to amass a positive reflection and outlook and you will once again be able to smile with your heart. And if it helps, yes, I speak from experience. 😉

With Warmest of Regards,

Al