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Sharing pain

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  • #53435
    jdkm
    Participant

    When I’m going through my lowest points, when I feel that no one understands, when all the blogs on this website which I previously read in awe, stop making sense – the only thing that I feel can help is seeing that somehow somewhere out there feels the same extent and intensity of pain I’m feeling. So I decided to write this – although I’m not quite sure sharing such negativity is good for anyone.

    A couple of months ago my boyfriend and I broke up. We had been together for 2 and a half years. The first year was the happiest time in my life – I never really looked for a boyfriend – I was happy being by myself – but then this person came along and everything changed. We fell for each other hard – it was intense on all levels – it was more than either of us had experienced before. However, when our individual issues starting coming up, we started having problems. We spent the next year and a half having beautiful times, and building trust on the one hand – but it felt like we had to constantly fix something. The explanation is not the point of this post so I’ll spare you the details – but we got to a point where we decided that although we’d both love to spend the rest of our lives together, it just wasn’t working.

    The one good thing to come of this is that I decided that instead of going back to old ways, where I’d close myself off and numb the pain (in various ways), I would face the sadness head on, and try to grow and move on healthily. Although the good days have been increasing, and I am proud of myself for dealing with my issues rather than running from them (even seeing a therapist), the bad days are just as intensely painful as they were the day after we broke up. At times, it feels like nobody around me understands – or even has the capacity to understand. Everything I do I think of him – because of the way we used to do everything together. I took time alone, and I’ve been trying to be around people now – but sometimes it feels that I cannot connect with anyone (even on a platonic simple friendship level). It hurts so much and it practically sends my mind racing – to think that two people who I consider intelligent and rational could believe in something so hard and for so long (the year and a half we tried to make it work) and have to face the fact that we were so damn wrong about it.

    I know everyone keeps saying it will pass – but it’s hard to believe when it hurts as much as it did day one. Although I am trying damn hard to focus on the positive, I can’t see how to move on from losing something that made everything else seem better. No matter how much I am trying to move forward, I feel completely stuck. The pain is unbearable – but I just have to bear it.

    #53438
    Archie
    Participant

    There are times in life when we have no choice than to dwell on that one thing which seems to be an answer to everything. And when we have to part with it, we are filled with a void that seems quite unfathomable. Even if the parting might have been for our own good, we don’t really want to move ahead.
    It seems to me that whatever you felt was lacking in your relationship wouldn’t have been big enough to break the love you had, because you still want him. Wouldn’t it be better that you talk to this guy about how you feel? If not a relationship like the one before, you can surely have one based on understanding..

    #53453
    Alice
    Participant

    Hi jdkm,

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this painful time.

    I just want to say that I completely understand! Especially the feeling of being in an unbearable situation which you just have to bear.
    You are bearing it though – you’re getting through as each moment passes, and you WILL be OK even if you can’t see it now.
    I’m also going through a heartbreak, although I think I’m ‘further along’ than you. I understand your loneliness and feeling like you can’t connect to any human being who isn’t your ex partner.

    My advice is to accept all your feelings and just carry on with your day – go to work, see people if you can, exercise, do your hobbies or take up a new one. I know the feeling of not wanting to do anything like this, of just wishing you weren’t in this situation and not believing you’ll be able to get through it – not being able to imagine feeling OK. But getting on with day-to-day activities is important to help you move forward. You don’t need to focus on ‘getting over’ your ex boyfriend; it’s normal to feel like the world has ended when you break up with someone you deeply loved. Many people have gone through it and come out the other side, moved on and been happy again.

    Don’t deny your feelings – they’re completely legitimate; but try not to let them swamp you. Do nice things for yourself. For example, I found that making smoothies each morning helped me – it was a new habit that wasn’t related to my ex, it made eating easier when my appetite was zero, and it gave me something to focus on that wasn’t related to emotions. I also took up the guitar in earnest; this was something I’d wanted to do for ages and it also served as a distraction for if I started getting caught up thinking, thinking and thinking about my ex.

    I also found that writing things down, journalling I suppose, helped me stop ruminating. It also allowed me to recount the things that were wrong in my relationship which helped me remember that we’d broken up for valid reasons.

    Even now I have days when I can’t believe that I’ll be that happy again, but they happen less often than they did a few months ago. When you have a bad day, remember that it will pass. Accept how you feel and just get on with your day as best you can. (Cry when you need to too, of course!) With time, you’ll start to feel more connected to other people and you’ll start to be able to imagine a future without your ex partner.

    It sounds like you’re very sensible and are doing all the right things to help you heal. With time, the pain will lessen. I understand the feeling of not believing this, but I promise you it will start to happen, no matter how gradually.

    Take care of yourself, and remember that you will be OK! 🙂

    #53504
    libertymojo
    Participant

    Morning jdkm,
    While I was reading your story I could feel your pain, my pain and probably the pain of many others.
    My story is a little different I am a male and I did not decide for the breakup but my emotions are unfortunately so similar. This is what I like (dislike) to call Universal pain.
    Every human being is different but we are a selfish society where it is difficult to find the right person 9probably ourself) who can help you to cope and move forward.
    Those days when you feel so disconnected, in so much pain (I used unbearable in a previous post but some of the members thought that it was an overstatement) and you mind is spinning so fast that you have to catch yourself just to be sure that you are sane are the worst because they are like a tsunami.
    I do not have any good answer to give, I do not have any good advice otherwise I would have been over with my own heartbreak. I am not even sure that one day I will find this much needed mental peace. I just wanted to tell you that being sensitive is a beautiful thing, it is a gift a very painful gift sometimes but it is a way to stay human, to feel and care for others and these days this is rare and pure.
    You are not alone in this process. I hope you (I) will find your way and will become stronger and stronger as days go by.
    Stay who you are.
    With much love and respect
    LM

    #53538
    Al
    Participant

    jdkm,

    I am deeply sorry for your suffering.

    When we are stricken with grief it is difficult to be focused and think clearly. It is especially so when we exert our strongest of emotions during certain events. Being stripped of such imposing emotions can leave us lost and confused as we no longer know how to operate without them. And yet, all experiences are never truly a loss. In all of our circumstances, we must always recall the positive(s) we’ve gained from having been through such ordeals. In your case, do your best to see all that you were taught and how much this event helped you grow as an individual, that although you did not last, that you gained much needed knowledge and experience. Also, it may help to adopt a grateful view. For example, be thankful for having shared such a beautiful experience that few are able to attain despite it’s end. Be thankful for all the joys, smiles and laughs you were able to exhibit. And be thankful for having been able to share your entire being with another. However, it’s important to do so in a selfless way so as to not create more chaos within your heart.

    As I have told other members in the Relationship Sub Forum who have experienced similarly, you must continue to care and wish nothing but the best for that person. Regardless of the fact that you have differences (as it should be), you should wish for that person to find happiness and bliss. Doing so will bring your heart ease and perhaps closure. Knowing that this person who once gave you joy and is beautiful in his very own way should be an aim you wish for with all your heart for. Wishing the opposite would only garner discord within you and possibly transform you into a person you may come to resent.

    Peace in your heart will happen if you continue to amass a positive reflection and outlook and you will once again be able to smile with your heart. And if it helps, yes, I speak from experience. 😉

    With Warmest of Regards,

    Al

    #53588
    jdkm
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for taking the time to read, and reply to my post.

    Like I had said, there are good days – the day I posted was a particularly hard day, but thankfully, these couple of days have been better. Nonetheless, while I can see clearer during the good days, the pain doesn’t really go away.

    Al – I agree with everything you wrote. I have been trying very hard to practice gratitude – because it took me losing the greatest thing to start appreciating the little things that were still there, that I always took for granted. I have nothing but love for him – I can’t be angry at him because I know he tried as hard as I did to make it work – so I do wish him beautiful things – I want him to be happy. I have also been focusing on being a more positive person, because I must admit that I had a very negative outlook before. I will keep working on this every day – thank you for supporting me with what you said!

    Libertymojo – I am so sorry you are going through this as well! It helped me to read that someone out there can relate to what I’m feeling – so know that you are not alone either! In the midst of the pain I agree that it is beautiful to be able to feel and love so much – perhaps the fact that we are able to feel this extent of pain is perhaps a beautiful thing in it’s own way too! I guess bearing unbearable pain (whether it is an overstatement or not) must hurt, but it will also make us stronger. Let’s hang in there together! Thank you for reaching out!

    Alice – It feels so good to hear from someone who, as you said is more far along than me. Thank you for taking the time to share with me. At first I couldn’t manage to do anything – i studied (because we broke up on the eve of the first of 7 very important exams) and i slept – i couldn’t handle anything else. With some time, I started getting back into a routine – and that did help immensely. Starting new habits seems particularly effective – since the old ones obviously remind me of him – and it feels like none of the things I now do alone are as good as they used to. I will focus on this more. What you say about time reminded me of something i read – we’re constantly told to fill up our time and distract ourselves to feel better etc. – when it comes down to it however, it is only time that can heal us; everything we do in the meantime, is a way of making time pass less slowly (as during the worst days time seems to stall) – so even if habits and distractions don’t make us feel better, it’s ok because time will! I believe this. We just have to make it through some more time; although we shouldn’t take the good things we have now for granted.

    Archie – We have talked this over a few times. Neither of us can imagine never being together – but neither of us knows how to make it work either. Like I mentioned in my post, we both have personal issues which came up and made it difficult for us to be together. It hasn’t been easy for either of us (I see that he’s in pain too) – but we spent more time trying to make it work, than it actually working – so we do believe that it’s the right option – even if we don’t feel ready to move on. This part of my reply is very vague – just because it’s still very confusing to me. I appreciate your honest answer – and I hope that with time I’ll be in a position to reply to you more strongly.

    Thank you all once again. You have made the pain more bearable by showing me I’m not alone in my feelings! I appreciate this deeply.
    JdKm

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