Dear Stephen,

I was thinking this morning how our problems so often seem to stem from our inability to cope with painful things and the subsequent avoidance of those situations, to a point where we create all kinds of coping mechanisms that end up making our own lives very difficult. What is painful for you is a bit different from what I find painful, but the end results seem to be similar.

Feeling as if you are left with nothing can be a blessing in disguise. That is when you are left with no other choice than to start working on the original problem. Having to face the reality is really scary and painful, but once you get through it, everything changes. I agree with you, that the solution is found from amongst actual people and not online. If you are living in a city, there’s a very good chance that there can be support groups for those who suffer from social anxiety. When I felt like I had lost everything couple of years ago, I was kind of forced to join a support group (I really didn’t want to) and it ended up being a really healing experience. To be forced to open up in front of other people in a safe setting was really life changing. Nothing bad happened. I survived, and so should you 🙂

The road is winding and there will be breakthroughs and setbacks. Looking back, I think that the setbacks, for me, came after the breakthroughs as I felt too sure that I had changed overnight and then slipped back to my old habits. Things do not change overnight, but it is a bit of a rush to break down some old walls and let the sunshine in. It does require a lot of courage, but the rewards are tremendous.

I would advice you to be smart about it. Support groups usually have rules, which makes them safe places. When I got a bit too excited about opening up, I ended up opening up to people who didn’t react to it in a good way. It didn’t end up doing too much damage, and I did learn to be a bit more discerning with what kind of people to socialize with. Or rather, having kind of “tiers” with different kinds of people: some would see more of me than others. In you, just like in everyone else, is this unique, extremely beautiful soul, that everyone wants to see. To have a connection with another vulnerable being is what intimacy is all about, and we all want it, we all crave it, but not everyone are able to handle it. So be wise and take baby steps, but do take those steps. It is scary and can be painful, but it is all very, very rewarding.