Carmen,

I’m reminded of something in one of the suttas (I think the water snake, but I’m not sure) in which Buddha said that suttas and dharma are not to be used to win an argument. Consider that there is a difference between harm and pain, such as pain can produce healing, and is not certainly injurious. Such as our eyes in a bright light can feel pained as they adjust, but afterward, its better to have that light so we are better able to see.

Said differently, consider that truth can be wielded with kindness or with agitation. If you feel a push to be truthful out of agitation, and act on it, it will produce agitating fruit in your mind. Much like using the dharma to argue. If you silence your resentment for her, come to the inner stable ground of happiness and friendship, then even if you say the hard truths that feel necessary, you will be in a position to be peaceful no matter the results.

From a different angle, consider that perhaps you’ve been enabling her to remain stuck, and if she isn’t flowing well with where she is, your Band-Aids might not actually be that helpful for her. Yes, its tough to see our friends in pain, but they are in pain from their actions, not ours. Said differently, I think this conflict for you is arising because you have been trying to take on another’s karma, which is not your place to do.

Were I in your shoes, I would intentionally cultivate metta, friendship, for all of the people involved, including myself. Rid your garden of frustration, of resentment, of anger… so that as you dance through the difficulties, your mind is unimpeded by afflictive emotions. Then, you’ll know what to say, know what friendly truth looks like, and be able to remain peaceful as you work through the situation. When we are restful, clear minded, we become much more luminous… and challenges melt before us, be they internal or external.

In terms of “practical navigation”, consider answering questions asked of you, but not volunteering the causes. Such as, don’t go to your bosses and reveal your view, but if they ask you, be direct and clear speaking, such as saying what seems right in that moment. Then, it will be easy to weather the results, knowing you did you best, did what felt right at each step, and did so from a place of loving kindness.

Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested, and if you don’t already have a stable metta practice. A little inner light does wonders to dispel the clouds of confusion.

With warmth,
Matt