Thanks for this reply. Your final sentence struck a chord, I think to certain extents we all make do/accept the life we have happened across &/or planned for. I know I’ve acted out happiness just to fit it and I imagine others sometimes do the same. I have lost my life force and don’t know what makes me happy, except being left alone but I know this is the depression.
I do generally have a negative internal chatter/voice which I’ve been fighting to control or ignore since I was a kid. This bout of depression started in early February, perhaps I intuitively knew that bad times were coming (i.e. my boyfriends dads illness), I’d get in rages over nothing, I was angry and unmotivated at work, I ended the relationship with my boyfriend, I tried to switch off every ‘love’ input or output as love (from my childhood & adult experience) just causes pain. I’d cry and cry and go driving about trying to find some hope, some happiness, something to divert my attention from the irrational somewhat boring repetition of the same old internalised ‘no point’ mantras.
I hoped the anti-d’s would be making me feel better by now but no such joy as yet, I tried doing an exercise video on Saturday (I used to dance a lot and enjoyed it) and I gave up after 10 minutes. Usually when I want something in life I have this reservoir of immense drive, determination, possibly blind ambition. But it’s gone and that is so sad.
I’ve had lows in the 5 years since my last major bout of depression and have always found a way out, found motivation to change things. My new job (promotion) will be good for me and the team are good people, my boyfriend is good for me ( I used to drink, smoke, be very moody and bad with money) and he has helped me through these things. I don’t think I want to change anything as my life has never been so good, I want to enjoy this time and appreciate my successes, this is an alien emotion for me or perhaps I’m running on a rat race thinking it’s where I have to go but actually I want to fall off and choose a less predictable more challenging road where I actually begin to know myself not give my energy to work and people that carry on living in self enforced rose coloured spectacles. We create these bubbles of self protection – I’m safe my family loves me – I’m safe I have a good job – I’m safe I have some money in the bank – I’m clever I don’t let images of famine, war get to me – I’m ok I’m healthy and will live a long prosperous life – I’m happy because oil & territory wars (the killing of human beings) are not my problem, I have faith in my government – I’m safe as I have a home, running water and food – I’m safe as long as I keep happy.
Your right I cannot change things by just believing things should be different, but how can I be happy in my bubble when ‘world issues’ affect me day to day, the anti-ds will strengthen my bubble and in a few weeks I’ll forget I even cared