Sarah,

I think you’re misaiming when you say “self discipline”. Consider a different view. I think your concentration is waning as you encounter stress, until the “dreams” are set aside for “real needs, now”. Such as “it would be lovely to eat salad for lunch all week” and maybe Monday that works, Tuesday you manage to squeak it out, but by Wednesday, you’re ten minutes late and choose to grab a few burritos from a gas station for lunch. Thursday pizza, Friday a basket of french fries. Obviously, adapted, but this is often falsely attributed to “no discipline”, instead of “lost focus”.

The problem is often the fuel in the tank, such as over the weekend, perhaps you unwind and relax, reopen to “what does Sarah really want”. Then the answer to that question fuels you for a little while. Soon, stress builds and the dream is lost,that open space collapses and your choices don’t harmonize with that dream. Moving from a place of thriving to surviving. Etc.

This cycle is easier to break than most people think, because the need is to reconnect to our personal rhythm. This is done through self nurturing, such as taking the time to settle in quiet surroundings, set down the past, set down the future, and simply rest, open to the inner Sarah that is an undisturbed witness. For a life on the go, the best way I know of to do this is through metta meditation.

Metta is the feeling of warm friendship that is in our chest area. When we are flowing with metta, our mind loses its agitation quite naturally, and becomes quiet, peaceful. Buddha taught that focusing on metta grows concentration quickly, which is like both a salve and inoculation to unskillful choices. When we are mentally luminous, open, curious, ready, there is no pushing inside that leads us to make the “survivor” choice. We stay poised and ready to build our dream in each moment, each breath, no matter what arises in our day, our senses, our mind. Interesting, what now? Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. It’ll help with the sleeplessness if you do it at night, only 30 minutes! If you can do it in the morning (eventually, after you overcome the exhaustion), it’ll make each day brighter. IMHO, of course.

Namaste, sis, may your cycles blossom into ribbons of light.

With warmth,
Matt