Hi Yoda428,

in a weird way I see your story making sense. You write how you sort of want her and don’t – and I think here is the clue to your problem.

In this long relationship you two had she obviously became a meaningful other to you, and the most familial “mirror” you have. And now after learning things since the divorce, you still carry this hope that you could reflect the picture of new you via this mirror so important to you: in her eyes, face and love. She might not be your type anymore – but she still is the person you sort of hope to impress, and winning her back would make it possible for you to show what you’ve learned. As it would make it possible for you to play this role once again – but this time you’d know what to do.

I guess the satisfaction included to this dream is comparable to the one we might carry in relation to some old sweetheart once abandoning us: if they just could see us now. Even though we might not want a relationship with them, how good would it feel to see the impressed look in their eyes..!

I think the one thing in common between these fantasies is, that these are the people we have given important roles in our lives. And having their acceptance feels a bit like acceptance we require from our parents: something, that convinces we are good, lovable and able to develop in life.

There was just recently an article in Tiny Buddha over getting along with your parents. And there was this quote from Ram Dass, saying “If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your parents.” In my case I’ve noticed this also works very well if being in touch with the most recent ex at the time: No matter what has happened since, and what a great person we’ve become – still a long time after a break up it’s often impossible to hold the control over oneself if talking with the ex. As it’s way too easy to notice that even if you wouldn’t really want to be in a relationship with this person anymore, there’s still a part of you wishing for his acceptance. Or something, that would magically take all those past mistakes away.

But in most cases there simply isn’t a perfect, happy ending closure available, leaving us all satisfied. There’s just endings and goodbyes, where you never get to say everything you wanted. And it’s just something we have to learn to live with: that the train we’re waiting has long since gone. And this other person who seem to make us regress isn’t really the one responsible over our feelings. She/he is her/his very own person, and it is actually a bit unfair to keep burdening them with our unconscious needs after the relationship has ended. They’re someone, just as ourselves too, who deserve to be treated with respect – instead of being someone to keep playing our games with. So my advice would be, that you should really take some emotional distance to your ex for a while, and concentrate on building your own future at the time. It’s not easy, but do remember: you’re the only person who, in the end, carries the solutions to your needs.