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June 3, 2014 at 1:47 pm #58016SannaParticipant
Hi Yoda428,
in a weird way I see your story making sense. You write how you sort of want her and don’t – and I think here is the clue to your problem.
In this long relationship you two had she obviously became a meaningful other to you, and the most familial “mirror” you have. And now after learning things since the divorce, you still carry this hope that you could reflect the picture of new you via this mirror so important to you: in her eyes, face and love. She might not be your type anymore – but she still is the person you sort of hope to impress, and winning her back would make it possible for you to show what you’ve learned. As it would make it possible for you to play this role once again – but this time you’d know what to do.
I guess the satisfaction included to this dream is comparable to the one we might carry in relation to some old sweetheart once abandoning us: if they just could see us now. Even though we might not want a relationship with them, how good would it feel to see the impressed look in their eyes..!
I think the one thing in common between these fantasies is, that these are the people we have given important roles in our lives. And having their acceptance feels a bit like acceptance we require from our parents: something, that convinces we are good, lovable and able to develop in life.
There was just recently an article in Tiny Buddha over getting along with your parents. And there was this quote from Ram Dass, saying “If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your parents.” In my case I’ve noticed this also works very well if being in touch with the most recent ex at the time: No matter what has happened since, and what a great person we’ve become – still a long time after a break up it’s often impossible to hold the control over oneself if talking with the ex. As it’s way too easy to notice that even if you wouldn’t really want to be in a relationship with this person anymore, there’s still a part of you wishing for his acceptance. Or something, that would magically take all those past mistakes away.
But in most cases there simply isn’t a perfect, happy ending closure available, leaving us all satisfied. There’s just endings and goodbyes, where you never get to say everything you wanted. And it’s just something we have to learn to live with: that the train we’re waiting has long since gone. And this other person who seem to make us regress isn’t really the one responsible over our feelings. She/he is her/his very own person, and it is actually a bit unfair to keep burdening them with our unconscious needs after the relationship has ended. They’re someone, just as ourselves too, who deserve to be treated with respect – instead of being someone to keep playing our games with. So my advice would be, that you should really take some emotional distance to your ex for a while, and concentrate on building your own future at the time. It’s not easy, but do remember: you’re the only person who, in the end, carries the solutions to your needs.
June 3, 2014 at 2:11 am #57990SannaParticipantLovely posts, Jasmine & Matt! Yes, so much to take with me..!
Miguel, the thing is that yes, you do need to change. What people are trying to say here is, though, that you’re probably searching the change from a wrong direction. I can tell from an experience, that as long as I kept thinking how I looked like outside, all I could see were my faults. If I’d just be different from this or that part… sounds familiar, right?
What I mean by building on with what you have, is that you need to light the sparkle inside. We really are physical creatures, and when it comes to energy it does make a huge difference if you make a regular exercise and proper diet part your life. As being non-athletic teen myself it’s simply hard to explain what a big difference exercise had brought to my life as a grown up..! As it is one of the best ways to quit looking at yourself from outside – and start feeling your body, strength and capability inside. To find the joy on being able to really do so much..!
The beginning is always though, but its the same with everything you do: you always start from the scratch. Just don’t afraid to start – what ever it is you desire to achieve. At the moment it seems you’re missing this inner sparkle – and this creates the feeling of alienation in your life. Start with something, anything – and think of the first human making the fire. Just like that: the first sparkle is the toughest, but it’s a crucial thing when making a fire.
I guess one of the biggest mistake in thinking causing pain is that we take so many things given to us for granted. I myself cannot, for example, stop talking about health, after I’ve witnessed such a many young people loosing theirs in the last years. So just to say this: not a single day is granted. If you woke up this morning, were able to get up by yourself, were able to think, write, eat something and simply – live – congrats: you’re one of the lottery winners in life already. (& Having a rebirth is eventually more risky in your case than making the best out of the things had already).
If you look at others and think they have more, the truth is: you’re not seeing “them”, as Matt wrote. You’re only reflecting your dreams to them, but have really no idea the stories behind. And what, if you did? You have your story to live on. Open your eyes to things you already have & ask yourself, if there really is need for more gifts from life at the moment? Maybe it’s just waiting that you learn to live with the ones given to you already, until it’s the time for a next upload. It’s like not having a desert without finishing the dinner, I guess.
June 2, 2014 at 4:34 am #57900SannaParticipantDear Miguel,
I’m a woman around my thirties at the moment, and was just today thinking back the days I was around 18 to 20 years old.
As a teenager I also wanted to be “this woman” – this woman who is well educated, beautiful and having lots of friends, with interesting career and exciting life. But it seemed to be impossible to achieve: I just wasn’t naturally as good dressing up as my friends, and seemed to have difficulties with directing my life. For too long I felt alienated with my life – and later on I’ve realized why was it so.
The problems were:
1.) I didn’t trust myself. As a young person I was in a hurry – thinking, that if I’d just look like this or that, if I’d just have lots of friends and if I’d just had a cool career with my natural talent, I would be lovable & happy.
Wrong thinking.
First of all: you can never, ever be anyone or anything else but yourself. And being successful isn’t actually an outer goal at all: it’s based on becoming the best possible you. To reach this goal you need to breath in and understand this one crucial thing: don’t set outer goals where to compare yourself to (& feel like a failure), but instead: look inside. You are someone already. No matter how young you are – this person inside of you is the one who with you will make the journey called life with. So the sooner you start learning to get along with him, the better.
Learn to love, listen and respect to yourself the way you are. You have certain qualities you can feel happy about: cherish these qualities & feel joy having them. You also have some qualities that needs a practice: don’t be afraid to face them. Everyone fails time to time, and there’s really no reason to be afraid of failure or pain. We all, each single one of us, have to get use having these things in our lives – as pain is an inevitable part of growing up. What happens, though, is that with time you’ll get a higher tolerance to them.
You also have a body: a one, great and working body you are able to take care of. Don’t objectify it, but start to live in it – as it is the only housing you’ll ever have. Do great things with your body: try different kind of exercises, and find the joy in your physical being. Learn to cherish your sensuality both in your physical being and in relation to your diet: learn to love & appreciate food, too. It’s easy to eat properly, when you give up the idea food being “just something”, and open up yourself to cooking and regular meals as a form of art itself.
2.) There is no shortcuts. Every tree grows from a seed – and every person becomes who she/he is a one step at the time. It’s good to have outer goals, as they make you direct your action toward something. But be prepared, that life has it’s ways: it’s often the journey towards something, that will give you the greatest teachings you’ll have. Don’t be afraid of pain or hard times – for example studying isn’t always just fun and easy. To learn and grow you need to accept that you’ve all the time asked to take one more step outside your comfort area: and that’s the thing with everyone. In my case it has often helped me to check if I’m in a right place when saying to myself: there is no place in this world I could be without having to fight. Is this the fight worth having from all the possible, here and now? Would solving this fight make me the happiest person I could imagine at the time?
3.) There is no other way of becoming all these things you desire, than your own way. 30 years of living has showed me one thing for sure: life hasn’t always given me the things I thought I wanted – but it has been generous with the things I’ve needed at the time. Not any of us can choose our wounds that will later on define our greatest battles – so best thing to do is just accept them as the cards you’re playing with. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else, as they have different cards to begin with. Concentrate on playing the best possible game with the ones given to you.
So to say: let go of these ideas of outer success: they will come, if you’ll learn to master your inner success at first. The people I know that have really “made it” reaching their thirties have been the ones who never did things based on how they looked like outside. Instead they concentrated on doing their best at every phase in their life – no matter if they were working in old people’s house or a coffee shop – they always seemed to put themselves in things and enjoying what they were doing. They didn’t concentrate on pleasing anyone else but themselves.
As there is also one secret in life that I’ve become to realize when growing up: you can never “get” love, give it, or loose it. You can only share it. And to have something to share, you need to learn to love yourself, your body, your passions – and the life you’re living.
Same comes with happiness: it’s not something you can ever “get”, but something, you can only “be”. The seeds of happiness are often set, when you open your eyes to all the things you can feel gratitude over. Nothing in life is promised to no one, and nothing should we take granted – as it can be taken away the next day (health for example). When you realize this it hopefully inspires you to take care of all the things you have here & now – and start building on them as a true optimist ;).
Good luck – it’ll take time to start getting it, but as long as you stay true to your authentic self, you will make it.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Sanna.
May 23, 2014 at 4:20 am #56941SannaParticipantDear friend,
I do agree the answers above: it seems that what is missing in your relationship is true respect and admiration between the two of you – and eventually you must move on, because there is no way to get things on healthy bases it seems. That isn’t because either of you is a bad person or incapable to have a relationship – no. It is only because because both of you seem to have things you still need to work on on your own.
The reason I’m writing is because I felt so much compassion to your story: it is so easy to say “no, that’s not healthy” or “don’t you have any self respect” – when the truth is we are all here in our path when it comes to growing up. I myself was closer to 30 than 20 when I finally started to realize what love is (or isn’t) – not to say respect towards to yourself or others.
First of all: don’t blame yourself. You’ve found someone to grow with, and even though he doesn’t seem to be treating you the way anyone deserves to be treated (with respect), he obviously likes you (as being with you). What he’s blaming you on, though, (weight, cleaning, money etc.) reflects his inner problems instead of having anything to do with you.
His actions and attitudes seem to tell the same: he is still lost in himself too – and that’s why he reflects his needs, fears and expectations to you instead of loving you (or himself!) with open heart. The lack of respect, too, is most often something we show to others when not being in touch with ourselves.
We all start somewhere. And when not knowing ourselves, we start to find out who we are in a relation to others. Three years spent in this relationship have made you learn things – but in order to advance it seems important for you to move on. It does sound harsh, but I also did spent too much time in my first relationship – simply because I had nothing to compare it with. And when you have nothing to compare it with, I know it’s hard to say what is normal and what is not.
What is sure though is (I believe strongly) is that you’re not able to have a good relationship as long as you haven’t learn to respect yourself. Some of us may have this ability from the beginning, but some of us are left to learn the lesson by ourselves. It’s no one to blame – we just all play with the cards in our hands.
So please do gather your courage and take the step. You seem smart and goodhearted girl, and deserve all the respect, love and happiness in this life. I myself also learned to love by first loving others – just to realize, that all this love I was giving out eventually wasn’t authentic love, but a reflection of my needs. Good thing is it made me realize my needs of being loved, accepted and safe – and how I should find these things from myself before being able to live on other person’s side.
Things look very different when being inside of a relationship compared to the perspective had when not. But I ensure you: no matter how much good there now seems to be in your life, it won’t look like that after having a distance anymore. You have a companion, who has said awful things to you and haven’t treated you with respect anyone deserves. This isn’t a healthy base for a relationship, and in time you will be able to see it too. There is no mr. rights we could find or loose: only teachers that will stay on our side the time needed to learn the lesson.
You know having learned the lessons when you find yourself able to really choose the person you want to see on your side as equal companion – not just someone you need things from.
You’re not his maid but your own, amazing person who should now concentrate on your studies and growing instead of cleaning his place for money.
May 16, 2014 at 12:36 am #56386SannaParticipantP.s. It’s often said that when we choose a relationship, we also choose a certain set of “problems”. In a way it is true, and sometimes the problems in a certain relationship may be less tolerable than they would be in some other relationship.
But because relationships are always about mirroring each other, in every relationship we are set a chance to really look at ourselves and get to know the uncomfortable feelings we have. Where do they rise from – especially in the situation, where the other person doesn’t mean to harm us in purpose? What do they tell us about our selves? When are we acting in a controlling/abusive way without noticing it? Trying to control the other person/demanding things when the only thing we want to control is our own fear/pain – and the needs something the other person isn’t responsible over (“feeling special”).
We all carry certain set of “problems” inside of ourselves too, and taking a proper look to the uncomfortable feelings we have is something all must do at some point. So to say, in every relationship the situation where problems arise may differ – but there is never gonna be a relationship that saves us from facing ourselves, both in good and bad. A conflict is always a possibility to learn more about ourselves – because nothing really harms us, if it doesn’t touch us somewhere deep inside.
May 15, 2014 at 1:14 pm #56354SannaParticipantHi Chelsea,
what I meant to write was this: often it is only through relationships how we find out who we are, what we have got used to expect from others, and what we expect relationship to be. Its only when acting next to someone different from ourselves that we get to know the assumptions and expectations we carry inside of us – and get the chance to evaluate them.
You write, “I feel like he should be wanted to be next to me since we hardly ever see each other anyway”.
We can’t set the boundaries on other people how they should or should not feel or behave. Most of your boyfriends actions aren’t meant to make you feel anything – his actions are based on his needs. The way you feel – and the way you handle the feelings you face – is always up to you. His actions may bring up these feelings in you – but he’s not the one creating them.
Instead it seems like you’re both now facing the expectations you have towards each other and the relationship had. Question is, where are these expectations based on? Are the things you’re asking based on your real needs (you really don’t spend time together, or lack intimacy, fun etc.), or are they based on your fears (I want him to show me his love in this or that way, or otherwise I feel insecure)?
Are you happy for who he is as a person, and how he shows he’s love? And if not, what is the need you think him showing his love differently would fulfill? Is it something he actually is responsible over (for example you feeling special)? Are you unhappy because the way he acts – or because you have a script in your mind he doesn’t seem to follow?
Of course you are the one setting the boundaries on how you let other people to treat you. And you have every right to ask people to take notice on your feelings and act respectful towards you. But very often the first person we need to train to respect ourselves is – ourselves. That is – we too often concentrate on other people’s actions and feelings. When the only feelings and actions we are responsible over are our very own. We often expect, too, others to give us the respect we should actually provide ourselves.
Good luck 🙂
May 15, 2014 at 7:00 am #56324SannaParticipantI do know your feeling, actually, as I came to this same page because of concentration problems. What Moon wrote though is pretty much true I guess: much of the upload and obstacles/ways of being stuck are in our minds. Human brain is simply an amazing organ – the main problem often being that the energy and capability very often isn’t in full use – as we need to process so many things at the same time in our daily lives. (Think of autistic people: the amazing skills they often have might give a clue over the potential we all could have if much of the outer influences & mind wandering to those issues were shut off).
As said – I’m myself also stressed at the moment and came to this site to find something to help me concentrate. So no – it’s not an easy task to master the stress…!
First of all: keep in mind that you are here to live your life – and the only person you need to show off is yourself. You wrote that your family is all the time worried about your future, and this actually sounds like it could be a weight on your shoulders. Let it go. Your parents are grown ups and responsible over their happiness: you don’t need to handle this issue to make them feel safe. It might be a good thing to close these things out of your mind for a while: don’t let their emotions come to you. Protect yourself from other people’s stress, so to speak.
Now, face your stress. I do know how it feels – this constant feeling of being trapped. The time is ticking, there’s no room for failing, and at the same time, you already feel worn out carrying the weight of past mistakes. What you obviously should let go are the past failings – and also the huge pressure to succeed. (But this for sure isn’t the easy thing to do).
I suggest you to look for things, images and people that make you feel confident and good about yourself. Take some emotional distance to people who you feel you need to prove something to, or who is worried over you, and concentrate on people who support you and believe in you. The kind, who trust you and see you as someone skillful. This person might be yourself too: think of all the skills you have. And all the things you’ve already been able to do.
Think the amazing person you are. Do everything it takes to switch your mind on to positive things. And try to accept the level you are now: you can’t jump before you can walk. Stress often comes from the fact that we think of the outcome (huge thing to swallow) – when everything is built from a simple practices and small steps, eventually.
Accept that this is an important time in your life, and you have every right to concentrate on yourself. Give up pleasing others, and take the time to practice you need. And most of all: to get in to and to keep on to the mindset you need!
Eventually, try to reach the math as game or a mystery. Try to give up the previous images of struggling, and distance yourself a bit from the tasks ahead. Math is a language, actually, or a form of art. Behind all those symbols is a hidden beauty, a logical structure created to tell stories that would be too long to explain with natural sentences. Imagine yourself being someone who is determined to learn how to read and write in this language. Dive into it. For a while try reaching it as something neutral: not a life or dead issue, but as something having value and point in itself.
You know that brain is a bit like muscle too? It is formed by the way you use it – new neuropathways are created depending on your actions. And just as any muscle, also brain needs some rest and relaxation too, between practice. (By the way, exercise is a very good thing when it comes to learning – as it literally makes you ready to built new networks in your brain. It also relies stress). Best luck!
May 15, 2014 at 2:36 am #56316SannaParticipantHi JB,
I’ve recently got to know astrological maps myself – even for my own surprise. I still don’t know what I really think of astrology, but I must admit that I sort of like the symbolical perspective it’s based on. Like my friend said: astrology considers the rhythms of time instead of actual stars: stars being only symbols for the rhythms of time.
Astrology is bit like a weather prediction: it doesn’t make you do anything, and it is impossible to predict the future. And the only reason I’m writing this is to tell you, that the astrologer you’ve met obviously isn’t a good one.
What astrologers often look for in one’s astrological map are things that seem to be easy for the native – and the things that may require more effort to get familiar with. Birth chart, so to say, doesn’t tell you who you are or how you’re life will be – no. It only shows the energy of the time you were born, and makes it easier for you to understand why you seem to find some things more challenging in your life than others.
The philosophical idea in astrology, I’ve come to think, is that it helps you to pay notice to the obstacles you must overcome until you may feel free and independent. Take notice for example to the compatibility charts: astrology can never say who we will fell in love with. All it does is that it shows the energies between the two people. If either of the two person is developed as individuals and don’t know themselves very well, a lots of controversial energy between the couple may cause a controversial relationship. If, on the other hand, the individuals have worked on their weak spots, they are able to master the energies instead of feeling empowered by them. There may well be an awful marriage then, between a couple who is astrologically a perfect match – and a perfect one between a couple who isn’t. It’s all about how you master the energy given.
Now- if the astrological lady saw this problem in your chart, it might be a good thing. It tells that you’re getting to know the challenging energy in your life that you need to learn to master/to live with. But it does NOT mean that it’s your “faith” not to overcome this! No. If there happens to be the faith, it would be the opposite: this is exactly the thing you need to overcome to be free and developed as a person! So no worries, my friend – you’re exactly on the right path now!
Unfortunately I can’t help with the exact problem this time. But just keep in mind that if you ever meet an astrologer again, remember, that in astrology there are no good or bad things, and there are no curses in anyone’s chart. A person having the most luckiest chart may have the most undeveloped personality (and life) in case he/she refuses to grow with time. And then again a person with a lots of challenging aspects may become to have the most luckiest life if she/he realizes that the controversial energy is there to challenge him/her & to make the person more wise, experienced and courageous. I’m sure though that you have all it needs to overcome the issue – just wanted to tell you that don’t even once think that no one is allowed to convince you otherwise. Good luck!
May 11, 2014 at 3:24 pm #56103SannaParticipantDear Ashlie – first of all, a big, loving hug for you.
You write you think you are nothing – but at the same time you are so much already! As it sounds to me that you are relatively healthy, do have family and friends – not to mention pets and a home to live in. You can write, read, and yes – you seem to be someone who does expect big things from life. I mean, there are so many people who never even thought they could have anything more than surveillance.
The reason you think you are nothing is because you have created the picture of things you find you’re not achieving (but you think you should). But here’s the thing I had to learn myself too at some point: there’s no shortcuts in life. And at the same time: there is no shoulds. You don’t need to be anything, my dear friend. As you already are all you ever need to be. The question that seems to bother you though is, if you are all those great things you could be? That is being someone, who is happy and feels “doing the right thing”.
So, the thing is that you don’t, once again need to be anything. Give up on that idea, totally. You already are enough, and I know as sure as anyone can that you are 100% lovable already.
But there are things you can do. As doing the right thing really starts by doing little things.
You ask how can one learn to love herself. You have pets you most likely are attached to. Watch them for a while: aren’t they cute, sweet, innocent and simply adorable as they are?
Can’t you see that you’re exactly like them too? You are cute in your being. Just a small living thing in this planet, and that’s why so very beautiful and innocent in your basic existence. You also need to remember that your mind isn’t “you”: you don’t actually own yourself in a deepest sense. What you think is “you” is actually just your conscious: but what keeps you going is based on the co-work of millions of cells. These cells work everyday for you to breath, walk, think and act. Why wouldn’t you treat them well as you treat your pets too? Give them proper nutrition, enough sleep and some exercise to keep going.
You write you are nothing. I’d say the better words would be: I’m a bit lost now and would like to know how to take myself to the place I need to be (happiness). I just don’t know where to start/I feel afraid/exhausted already (feeling that to achieve my dream I’m just in the beginning).
You don’t need to feel exhausted, as there isn’t any huge thing you should really swallow. Instead – every day is made of little things and little choices. What would the woman you wish to be eat today? Would she be able to cook?
And what does this woman you’re responsible over enjoy to do? What makes her laugh? What makes her curious? Wouldn’t you like to give her some fresh air daily? What ever it is that helps you to start with: to either imagine that you’re already the woman you want to be (and try to live everyday a bit more the way you think she would live) – or to think yourself as one of your cute pets that you must take care of.
And those self hatred thoughts you can imagine as intruders – as they are. They are a bit like a cancer cells: something, that is not working properly and is eating you from inside instead of building you. Don’t listen to them. Think of them as flees on your dogs fur: they shouldn’t be there because they are harming you. Don’t give them power, and do your best to ignore/get rid of them. Nobody has the right to hate you – not even you! Think of your pets hating themselves: wouldn’t that be an awful thing?
Most important thing to keep in mind is that loving anything (life, other people) starts by loving and accepting your inner child. Stop being so cruel to her, but instead get to know her a bit without judgement. Forgive her the things she yet cannot do, and support her the things she’s giving a try. Be your own parent, and get used to being loving and loved. And don’t forget the skill of forgiveness either!
Everything else will follow: you just can’t get the plant before putting the seed somewhere and nourishing its grow on daily bases. The seed is there: good and perfect. But are you brave enough to see the plant it could be?
P.s. You are YOUNG! Nothing lost dear girl. You can get in shape in 1 to 2 years if wish to, and even study a degree in just few years. In just 3 years you can totally come out of your shell both emotionally, physically and intellectually if you’re up to it. And what would it make you – 31 years old? That’s nothing either! you know the last parts of your brain just developed at age 25 – that is, you have JUST grown up. Nothing, nothing is lost! So much time to live, learn, travel etc.!
May 11, 2014 at 10:03 am #56101SannaParticipantHi Annie!
First of all: congrats for your relationship – as it seems you’ve arrived to this important stage that makes it possible for you to face yourself (= hidden fears, needs & wounds) with a help of your boyfriend. And this my friend, is a great possibility for growth to you both.
My first advice for you would be to make a difference between the difficult feelings you have & the action/personality of your spouse. Yes – things he does and the ways he acts make you feel uncomfortable time to time. But remember: the feelings your facing are not actually caused by him, but are the ones you carry inside of you – and are now shed to light for a reason. That is – your boyfriend isn’t the cause of those feelings, but the messenger/mirror who makes it possible for you to face the things you need to process on to be happy.
I was just reading a book about relationships yesterday. There was this chapter about the paradox of having a good relationship that is: to have a good relationship it is a great advance to “know yourself”. And at the same time the only way we are able to gather this knowledge is through a relationship(s)!
So my second advice for you would be this: accept the feelings of anger and agony, but give up the idea of directing them to your boyfriend or yourself. The anger you feel is true and real – but its a feeling, rooted by some sort of emotional wound or lock instead of your or your boyfriends personality or actions. What is happening in your relationship at this very moment is that you’re getting to know yourself as a person! It hurts (believe me I know), but the great news is: there’s no one to blame – only things to learn.
I guess the reason why you feel so bad at the moment is because you most likely feel like being lost in the fog. You have these uncomfortable feelings and don’t really know where they come from or how to handle them. When we feel anger or frustration we often get this urge to control things outside us – when its in the end our inner chaos we must solve to find the peace.
The miracle of love is that you can never really have it or lose it – you can only share it. Your boyfriend doesn’t actually have any outer responsibilities towards you – but at the moment he’s sharing the journey and walking beside you. And the thing to worry about isn’t what he’s going to do the next, but what you are. Life is about becoming the best possible you, in the end.
P.s. It might be a good idea to check this site:
http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2722/when-you-feel-hurt-by-your-partner.html -
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