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Nothing. I am nothing

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  • #56073
    Ashlie
    Participant

    Nothing.
    That’s who i am.
    28 years of pathetic.
    But really, want to know who I am?
    Lets start… My name is Ashlie. I am pathetic and have been my whole life. Currently, I am 28 years old… living alone in Colorado with my dog and my cat.
    My self esteem is less than perfect.
    I am alone.
    I am scared.
    Living life, day to day is hard and exhausting…
    Some days. I want to quit… end it all. But, I don’t… I keep holding on… for something better to come. Something that will make life worth living. Something to make me feel…wanted. And after 28 years, here I am. Alone. With no where to turn.

    Of course your curious, where are my family and friends? To answer, I can say that they are right next to me. But, not a single one understands my struggle. My hurt. My agony. My self hatred. Even when discussed, they say that they understand… but no one understands the pain in my heart each and every day. So, I keep the pain to my self. Never to be discussed.

    Each day. Each minute. I live in fear…
    The fear… am I really this pathetic? Am I really alone? Is this how its going to be? … These questions, I ask my self daily, maybe even minutes.
    Each morning, I wake up and imagine that today will be the day. The day that I live my life. The day that I am happy. The day that is worth something. But, at the end of each day, I learn. This day was just as pathetic as yesterday. As your life.

    Me? I want things… I want to be wanted. I want to get married. And most of all, I want nothing more than to be a mother.
    At 28 is that really going to happen?
    I have never technically been in a relationship.. high school does not count.

    Hi, my name is Ashlie. I am 28 years old, I have nothing to give you but I expect nothing less than perfect.
    Lame.
    Pathetic.
    Who would want that?I know I wouldn’t!
    And maybe you think that this is just like the movies where the “pretty girl” that is shy, and the boys secretly like her but make fun of her instead because of the overalls and hair cut. No. I am nothing like that.
    I am not pretty. I am not skinny. Figuratively speaking, I have nothing to offer a man.
    Why would any man want a fat, ugly, single 28 year old female with no life experience? I know, I wouldn’t.

    How does one cope? How does one continue to live each day? As if it means something?
    I believe that each day is worth living. But, how can you live when you honestly don’t know how?

    I want to be that girl. The one is believes in herself. Who knows her strength and weaknesses. Who can be the person that she has always wanted to be.
    And listen, I know, we all want to be Marilyn Monroe.
    But realistically, I want to be wanted. I want the love and support from a spouse and a family. But, more important, I want the love and support within me.
    People say that you have to love yourself before anyone else can. My question to you, is how can that be done? How can you start to love yourself after 28 years old self hate? Of self regret?

    People say, don’t live life in regrets. Well, if that’s all you know, how can you truly live?
    That is how I live each and every day. In regret. Regretting telling my mom that I love her. Regretting saying “good morning” to my neighbors this morning. Regretting to say “hi” to the cute boy on the elevator. My life… is a series of regrets.
    A series of regrets that I don’t know how to fix. A series of regrets that eat away at each any every day.

    I want SOOOOOOOO hard to live life. To enjoy it. But, honestly I don’t know how….

    My dream.. to be the woman that I have always wanted to be. To be a mother. That would fill any open place in my heart with love. And last but not least, to believe in myself.

    #56074
    brokedhearted
    Participant

    Ashlie I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time. I just very recently was involved in a break up because she wanted to just be single and figure out her life (she is young, 23 years old, and I am 27), and that nothing had anything to do with our love, compatibility, getting along or anything like that.

    I guess just real quick what I’m trying to say is that just because relationships can be good and having a family can be good you never know if it really is between two people. I’m not saying we weren’t, because we were great, but then this happens…and i’m left to deal with it and be completely broken hearted and going through a really rough time now.

    you cant put your happiness and all that on to other people and other things such as being a wife and having a family. and ya you do have to love yourself and be fine with yourself and there is no one answer on how to do it. I know it sucks but you just have to figure it out. Just like I am trying to figure out now again. I feel the lowest I have ever been in my life and feel worthless now since my ex left. But I do know in the back of my mind that as time goes on it’ll get better and easier. I just have to keep trying and being active in the process of getting through it.

    I can’t say what you need to do, or should do or anything like that. If you’re worried that people wont like you for who you are thats nonsesne. why would you want someone to like you and want you for who you’re not? if you cant be real and genuine, you will never find someone else like that. and if you did find someone in that way, i can almost guarantee you would not be happy.

    life is very unpredictable, anything can happen, at any time, for any reason. you never know. just like my recent events were unpredictable and I didn’t see it coming at all….and just like how I don’t know what my future will hold as well.

    But I am sorry you’re feeling this way, it’s not fun. keep fighting though. all of this will make you stronger as a person and you will grow and mature. And I really need to take my own word and advice too because right now, it just seems almost impossible to do…

    hope you feel better.

    #56075
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Ashley,

    You gotta see the situation as whole. You’re focusing too much on what you think you dont have. Do you honestly think that getting a husband, becoming a typical woman will actually solve the real problem? That somehow, once you get that magical wand to fix your life, what you feel is going to change? You will still have those old habits of labeling yourself as pathetic, lame and lonely. How can you be so cruel to yourself?

    As for 28 years, my dear, people have lived longer than you and screwed up way more than you think. Their life isnt over and they are sure as hell not giving up on themselves. First of all, please for the love of God, stop calling yourself lame and pathetic. Confused is a better adjective. How can you expect anyone to like you or believe anyone will if you treat yourself like shit? People are here to support you, not to be your walking stick. Only you can choose to walk.

    If your entire life is focused on getting the guy and becoming a mom, i can assure you that you will look for a million reasons why you cant do it – oh you’re fat, oh you’re boring..for chrissake, get of your house and see the world outside. If you dont have life experience, then start living. Life experience doesnt happen if you sit at home and only complain about how awful you are. Lot of shit happens in life and if you want to play chicken, then cry about not having any, i cant help you.

    If you want to find love, go on dates- make mistakes, learn what things are like and finally, when you really are ready to walk on your own, you’ll find that person to hold your hand as an equal in your journey. If you dont like being over-weight, then start living better. You’re beautiful any size but your happiness is important too. As a fat chick who thought she was ugly for years, i can vouch for the fact that men like different things. I have different preferences too and nope, i dont want to be Marilyn Monroe – peroxide blonde is not my thing. My definition of fabulous is slightly different from TV but i would love to be like Golda Meir or Audrey Hepburn (she’s like my idol – that strong, powerful woman who made a difference :D) Looks can only take you so far.

    Develop your mind, character and convictions – best life-long investment ever.

    My point is, the day you stop giving a shit about what they think and live your life, have some fun, that day all of this stuff will cease to bother you. And you live in Colorado alone with your pets, you’ve got your friends and family – whats so pathetic about that? Please explain! You wanna live in a Bahamas with a raccon as a pet and a 6 ft 2 in Greek God and 5 kids? I mean jeez, this isnt the movies and life is not perfect. Neither are you, so stop this whole “i dont know anything. i am pathetic and lame. no one gets me. no man wants me” – Ashely, live your life. Whether you have a man or not, whether you have kids or not, life will go on.

    Why are you allowing yourself to be miserable for so many years?

    You wanna like yourself? Become your best friend. So what if she makes mistakes? So what if she has regrets? So what if she doesnt have everything figured out? She’s a magnificent work of art and we have yet to see how beautiful that piece will turn out. Listen to this song –

    Ashley, you’re just 28 – you havent screwed up yet. You dont have a broken marriage, strained relations with your kids. You are in decent health. You do have friends and family. You have your cat and dog and i am sure they are really sweet. The world is out there but you cant expect to stay at home…expecting things to magically change while hating that reflection in the mirror.

    This is an opportunity to start a process of self-love and its never too late!

    – Moon

    #56079
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    And i apologize for the mistake in spelling your name! i get confused with similar sounding words sometimes.

    #56098
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Ashlie,

    I’ve been down on myself before. Some things that pulled me up and forward that you might try. As Moon says live:

    – eating really well getting into a different relationship with food
    – getting a good nights sleep
    – exercising starting with things that are easy and working up from there
    – losing 5-10-15+’pounds initially gives you a new feel – keep going
    – getting to the fitness and weight that would serve you (in your case you want to be a mom)
    – scanning articles and books on self help – they will give you some tips and show you are not alone
    – watching videos like Ted talks that inspire and educate you
    – accomplishing something
    – being kind to yourself
    – spending time with family and friends
    – pursuing your interests
    – saying hi to people (there’s your elevator solution)
    – meeting people including guys in person
    – getting out in the community maybe a fundraiser
    – avoiding most or all of TV
    – being with people who have a strong positive influence of you

    You get the idea. Does this make sense? Which ones are you doing or could you start doing?

    Would this help you to prepare for the right guy and motherhood?

    Big blue

    #56100
    Kim
    Participant

    Ashlie, please take on board what these clever people have written.
    Nobody is a failure. Only you tell yourself that, so please re-train your brain and start to change little parts of your life! It doesn’t have to be major, take it slow.

    #56103
    Sanna
    Participant

    Dear Ashlie – first of all, a big, loving hug for you.

    You write you think you are nothing – but at the same time you are so much already! As it sounds to me that you are relatively healthy, do have family and friends – not to mention pets and a home to live in. You can write, read, and yes – you seem to be someone who does expect big things from life. I mean, there are so many people who never even thought they could have anything more than surveillance.

    The reason you think you are nothing is because you have created the picture of things you find you’re not achieving (but you think you should). But here’s the thing I had to learn myself too at some point: there’s no shortcuts in life. And at the same time: there is no shoulds. You don’t need to be anything, my dear friend. As you already are all you ever need to be. The question that seems to bother you though is, if you are all those great things you could be? That is being someone, who is happy and feels “doing the right thing”.

    So, the thing is that you don’t, once again need to be anything. Give up on that idea, totally. You already are enough, and I know as sure as anyone can that you are 100% lovable already.

    But there are things you can do. As doing the right thing really starts by doing little things.

    You ask how can one learn to love herself. You have pets you most likely are attached to. Watch them for a while: aren’t they cute, sweet, innocent and simply adorable as they are?

    Can’t you see that you’re exactly like them too? You are cute in your being. Just a small living thing in this planet, and that’s why so very beautiful and innocent in your basic existence. You also need to remember that your mind isn’t “you”: you don’t actually own yourself in a deepest sense. What you think is “you” is actually just your conscious: but what keeps you going is based on the co-work of millions of cells. These cells work everyday for you to breath, walk, think and act. Why wouldn’t you treat them well as you treat your pets too? Give them proper nutrition, enough sleep and some exercise to keep going.

    You write you are nothing. I’d say the better words would be: I’m a bit lost now and would like to know how to take myself to the place I need to be (happiness). I just don’t know where to start/I feel afraid/exhausted already (feeling that to achieve my dream I’m just in the beginning).

    You don’t need to feel exhausted, as there isn’t any huge thing you should really swallow. Instead – every day is made of little things and little choices. What would the woman you wish to be eat today? Would she be able to cook?

    And what does this woman you’re responsible over enjoy to do? What makes her laugh? What makes her curious? Wouldn’t you like to give her some fresh air daily? What ever it is that helps you to start with: to either imagine that you’re already the woman you want to be (and try to live everyday a bit more the way you think she would live) – or to think yourself as one of your cute pets that you must take care of.

    And those self hatred thoughts you can imagine as intruders – as they are. They are a bit like a cancer cells: something, that is not working properly and is eating you from inside instead of building you. Don’t listen to them. Think of them as flees on your dogs fur: they shouldn’t be there because they are harming you. Don’t give them power, and do your best to ignore/get rid of them. Nobody has the right to hate you – not even you! Think of your pets hating themselves: wouldn’t that be an awful thing?

    Most important thing to keep in mind is that loving anything (life, other people) starts by loving and accepting your inner child. Stop being so cruel to her, but instead get to know her a bit without judgement. Forgive her the things she yet cannot do, and support her the things she’s giving a try. Be your own parent, and get used to being loving and loved. And don’t forget the skill of forgiveness either!

    Everything else will follow: you just can’t get the plant before putting the seed somewhere and nourishing its grow on daily bases. The seed is there: good and perfect. But are you brave enough to see the plant it could be?

    P.s. You are YOUNG! Nothing lost dear girl. You can get in shape in 1 to 2 years if wish to, and even study a degree in just few years. In just 3 years you can totally come out of your shell both emotionally, physically and intellectually if you’re up to it. And what would it make you – 31 years old? That’s nothing either! you know the last parts of your brain just developed at age 25 – that is, you have JUST grown up. Nothing, nothing is lost! So much time to live, learn, travel etc.!

    #56119
    Al
    Participant

    Ashlie,

    Mush chaos has been wrought upon you by the tumultuous side of society. Its grasp on you has been so firm that you’ve heartily adopted these false notions of yourself which have trapped you into this pit of despair. However, be at ease my dear, for none of this is your fault. We are meant to lack (positive) direction without the proper influences to help show us the way. In this truth, we are all together. You mention that your family cannot possibly know your struggle and while there is truth in your claim there is also untruth. The Buddha, among other deities and religions, teaches that all beings suffer (in one form or another). When you learn to see with your heart instead of just your eyes, you will find that everyone around you share a similar pain to yours. However, if you allow your entire being to be (spiritually) receptive, you will be able to sense the suffering that others have. When you do, you will find that the struggle is not yours alone but everyone’s. Once you accept this, once you feel this, you will never feel alone ever again. While knowing this does not simply solve our problems of loneliness, it does make it easier for us to approach and communicate with one other. It makes it easier for us to share and express our smiles, our warmth, our concerns and our love, among other things. To know that we are all on a path to seek our own harmony encourages us to support one another; and to love, to believe, to care and to inspire. ‘Togetherness’ is a concept and sensation most invaluable to our well beings and souls for the sake of our peace, joy and harmony.

    As for your misrepresented labels of yourself (ugly, fat, pathetic), again, the destructive side of society is at fault for the unfair cruelty you’ve claimed of/on yourself. My dear, if you look deeper, if you scrub through all the grime, you will find a more positive side of society which promotes the ‘right’ messages you need to hear; that we all need to hear. Instead of being fed with ‘artificial’ concepts, the ‘positive’ society feeds you with wholesome notions that help surge your being into a state of true fulfillment. However, sometimes the damage it has caused to you (and many of us) is so great that the notions become nothing but faint whispers. Because of this, it has to be understood that when we make the decision to change our mentalities/attitudes that it will not happen overnight. All endeavors require time and effort for them to come to fruition. Martin Luther King Jr. did not become a humanitarian and activist by snapping his fingers, Prince Siddhartha Gautama did not become the Buddha by wishing it, Ghandi did not become a spiritual leader and being by not practicing it, Michael Jordan did not become a great basketball player by sitting on his couch, J. K. Rowling did not write her masterpiece by not putting in the effort, etc…All took time and effort to arrive at their states of being. You, too, must do the same if you wish to change and for things to change. You mention that you wait for something to come along, and while possible that something may indeed come along, the chances are that your life will remain stagnant if you continue to exhibit a stagnant routine. However, I understand that taking an action is not simple when we have been ‘beaten down’ for prolonged periods of time. Like all things, though, baby steps are how we always begin.

    Before we could run we first had to walk, before we could read we first learned the alphabet, before we could speak we first learned words, before we could cook we first learned (the many) ingredients, before we knew danger we first had to experience (some of) its pain, etc…The same applies with your journey to happiness. Keeping the body healthy requires that we feed it with nutritious foods, the same applies to your mind. Everyday try to think of one positive thing about your life or anything for that matter. Perform a small good act, no matter how small. But, most importantly, be mindful, be in the moment when you do so. Changing yourself does not necessarily mean one or a few large acts must be performed, numerous small acts are just as great and grand. Continue to do one small positive action, physical or mental, and, in time, you will come to see about great change. Again, remember that this is to be a long term endeavor. When it comes to our harmony, there is no ‘quick & easy-fix-it’. All delicate things require time and careful nurturing; and our lives are such delicate things. As for motherhood/companionship, as I once said, I refuse to believe that we cannot find one person to share our lives with when there is 7 billion people on this planet. However, this is one of my personal beliefs. We may not all agree on this sentiment. As advice, as I once stated to another member, though, a dating site may help. I have heard of many wonderful stories that have culminated from those who have pursued this route and I personally highly support this structure and approach. Anything that promotes positive human interaction has my encouragement. Perhaps this may help you. However, as Moongal has stated, even obtaining these two desires of yours may not solve the root of all your problems. While we may never be completely whole, we should take care in executing (large) tasks which harbor the possibility of creating additional and/or unforeseen grand life changes. And if they should, they may instead come to instill further chaos within us if we do not have good anchorage of ourselves.

    Ashlie, we all possess the ability to shape our lives the way we want it to. It simply needs our efforts to make it so. If you wish to have a fulfilling life, you must take the action to do so. To re-summarize, recognize the suffering in everyone, act with compassion, take small positive steps each day and be in the moment when you do so. Belief in yourself also goes a long way.

    I wish you all the best and apologize for any grammatical errors I may have made as I have a tendency of thinking faster than I type, a poor habit I must remedy. Good luck!

    Al

    #63782
    gen
    Participant

    Ashlie – you want to be a mother….start reparenting the child within. Be a mom to the little gal inside you that is clearly missing nurturing support.

    How to start with this? Realize you are not alone. Take these ponderings one day at a time so as not to stymie yourself by shaming yourself into a corner with no escape. How can one grow strong and fearless to go after her desires if she is in a corner hating herself?

    Before you can be a mother and wife – you have got to help this broken kid inside you merge with the adult you have become. You can do it – and it takes work – but what else have you got to do that is more important? Giving up is not the thing that is more important..its time to stand up for yourself and go after what you want. Celebrate you as you are and not as the enemy. You are preventing yourself from hearing the inner child in rational way.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by gen.
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