Lucy,

In contrast to some of the other sharply aimed advice, consider that there is nothing wrong with your feelings, they just are. Avoiding your feelings isn’t going to work long term, they just get suppressed and lead us to madness. Said differently, here you have a large woosh of feelings, finally, after years of neglect, and your instinct is to hide them, avoid them, remove them. Which makes sense, because who knows if the current interest would be as radiant for you if you didn’t feel so lonely. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that when we get married, we offer to our partner a certain promise of sharing our space. For many, and usually women, their space gets neglected, their desires sacrificed for “the good of the family”. This wears down our relationship with ourselves, getting used to having our desires regarded as “indulgent”, “selfish”. “Should i want this? Should I avoid that? What is expected of me?” Blah, garbage, unneeded.

Consider a different approach. Look at how when the new love interest came along, the slumbering goddess inside you woke up. She received a breath of life, tender attentions, connection, communication… and all your bits came alive, charged. That’s great! Awkward timing, being still married, but better to have an adulterous fling that wakes you up, shakes you down, than to sleepwalk endlessly.

It also makes sense that you need to refriend yourself, find that inner space of “just Lucy” before a long term relationship has the chance of being stable. Not because you “just need to take time away” or “avoid a rebound” or anything like that, those are meaningless. Rather, do you know who you are? Do you know what you like? Do you feel confident that you’re lovable, deserving, as is? These are the things that need exploring before diving in again.

The reason is that because of the loneliness from the years of empty bed, sharing a bed is really vibrant. “Oh, his butt smells, but goodness it feels good to have his naked body here.” or “Well, he’s racist, but sees my beauty.” These compromises, these “well, yes, but…” get in the way. Setting you up for a “new boss just like the old boss”. Said differently, instead of accepting you like a clean smell, and standing up for that desire, such as “if you want to lay in bed with me, wash your butt”, the grief and loneliness push us to be silent, just accept it, just sacrifice our desire. Then, the whole time you’re smelling the butt smell, less present, less happy, pull away, etc.

However, when you can make good friends with yourself, come to see yourself as happy, content, then the other things happen without all that pressure. As you shuck the cheaty husband and let go of the sensual rebound, you’ll still be there, learning who you are, what you like. That’s good! That’s what helps you find what you’re looking for, leads you down your path. The secret is that while the husband neglected (and the lover inspired) that inner goddess, you’re it. You’re the nexus, the center, the source. All that joy and beauty, the love and romance… all inside you, part of you. Not them, it doesn’t belong to them, its not theirs, they don’t give that to you. Its inside you, because of the curious, because of the exploring, the break from routine. But we don’t need a partner for that… we can open up our eyes to our own light, and find our way.

Practically, this happen by exploring our desires. What are you interested in? If you love to skydive, for instance, then meeting the skydiving with the goddess exploring brings the same sense of “whoosed Lucy” that he does now. Intrepid, smiling, learning… what a blessed journey! Then, being with a partner is a fun addition, but unnecessary. And, it makes all your other desires easier to accept. Such as “hey, that was a lot of fun parachuting with you, but would you take a shower? You stink.” Not “I don’t want to ruin our moment by talking about what I like/dislike/need/want.” Just “that was great, and now we are here, so what is here? What would we like to do next?”

Namaste, dear sister, may you find your desires, open to them, and see them fulfilled.

With warmth,
Matt