Chloe,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why relating to men can be problematic. There you are, sitting with a radiant sun of love for someone, and bite your tongue, clamp it down. Hah, safe to express that? Puh-lease, and risk rejection? And, is he even interested? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that dad on the couch is like him in hunter mode. Emotions set aside, looking elsewhere, for game, food, stress relief, whatever. When your obvious needs came up, he’d put you on his task list, which is awesome of him, but still, always looking elsewhere, not really taking the time to see you.

And that was wrong of him, your tender heart needs to know it is cared for, seen, heard, known… and were he perfect, he’d set down the remote, the spears, stop hunting, and just come home and play. If only being a parent gave us an automatic map, it would be easier… but parents are just who they are.

The good news is, you’ve seen the pattern in yourself, which means you’ll break through soon(ish) :). It’ll nag at you, push you to escape it, so don’t be afraid you’ll just “always be stuck”, that’s nonsense. You’re already exploring the causes, looking for an exit, and crafting a key. So relax!

Consider that many daddy issues resolve in a few simple ways, though take some work, courage and heart. First, its important to find some peace with what was. Picture dad, sitting on the couch, looking off somewhere not you, again. And there you are, a waterfall of love and affection, desire to connect, share, hear, be heard… but shit, he doesn’t seem to come home long enough to share anything with him. Maybe if something breaks or is on fire, he’d hop up then, but “hey dad, can we talk about our feelings?” feels like you might as well be saying “dad, could we speak in Klingon?” or interrupting his momentum with nonsense.

But that’s all empty, just an old habit, armor we put on to protect our young hearts from dad’s absence. Just the past, what was, leaving cards in your hand that you can play however you want. You could repeat the cycle a few more times, if you need more information… but when you’re ready, you can play whatever hand you want. In my opinion, the best hand in this moment would be to rekindle your heartsong.

Consider a loving kindness practice to do this. When we cultivate metta, or the emotion of warm friendliness, these issues become less looming, and more a curious puzzle that are easier to set aside. We grow the space inside to take off the armor, find peace with what is, and hope. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested. For example, imagine running up tons distracted and distant dad, on his couch, and throwing your arms around him and giving him a hug. Telling him how much you appreciated all he did do, and how you hope he finds endless happiness, freedom, and peace. He may stare at you blankly, stammer, or scoff, but who cares? If your moments are heartfelt, authentic, and courageous, you’ll walk away feeling light, refreshed.

Now, you may never do such a thing, it may never be the right thing, but as we dream it, wish it, put our heart behind our wish to offer that grace to them, we become free of the entanglement. Such as, if you’ve spent time on the cushion envisioning pouring your heart to your dad, but just haven’t seen the right time yet… when another man comes along that is open and offering his tender attentions, perhaps you’ll feel the courage and strength to reach back, be authentic, and just shine with that brilliant heart of yours.

Namaste, sister, may your dance be light and joyous.

With warmth,
Matt