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I push every single guy away – daddy issues.

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  • #58982
    Chloé
    Participant

    I am in serious, serious need of help. I’m a 22 year old girl and I have always been aware of the fact that my relationship with my dad has been missing but it’s not untill now I can see a very bad pattern repeating itself in my dating life and it makes me scared and sad of never being able to find what we all want – LOVE. My parents are still together, but my mom has been raising me and my sister all alone – my dad was just there, sitting in front of the TV and pretty much taking care of himself – he never participated in ANYTHING. He is not a bad man, he has NEVER EVER been mean to us, in fact he has never been anything to us. I feel like I dont really know him, even if he is my dad. We only talk about practical stuff – like if he can do something for me or drive me somewhere, NEVER about personal stuff. Anyways, to make things short – he has always been there but not mentally and I feel like he doesnt have a care in the world especially about me. I guess I’m a very disappointed daughter, but it’s not untill now I can feel that it has affected me. I started dating when I was about 18 and I’ve never has a real relationship. The process is the same – I meet a guy, I like him a lot and he likes me, we keep dating, but after 2-3 months he becomes absent and tells me this: I feel like you don’t care about me, I feel like you don’t want this and they leave. And I can tell you guys this has happend 4 times now! ALWAYS the same, my friends always said at first it was just because I met the wrong guys, but now i begin to think there MUST be a reason it keeps repeating. The thing is, in relationships I don’t show so much affection, not because I dont like them – every guy I have been dating has quickly become my whole world – I just never tell them this. I keep it to myself and play cool, and they think I don’t want them. When they confront me and I tell them that I really want to be with them, it’s always too late and they leave. I don’t know why I do this – is it because I am afraid that they will leave? That I am afraid of becoming too much and push them away? Buttom line is, they leave. They leave because they feel like I dont want them. I am so so tired of this, I lost so many good men because I can’t show my love to them even if I love them. I started to think it has something to do with my dad. What should I do? I am afraid of meeting someone new because I will SURELY push him away too. I am so afraid that when I start dating someone I wait for it to break – cause it does eventually.

    What should i do? How can I help myself? Can you help me and give me some advice? THANK you in advance.

    #58983
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Chloe

    Only one thought comes into mind and it will work for you if you try it. All this while you have dated guys without being in the relationship until late but then they leave. So Leaving you is the constant in your relationship equation yeah ?

    For the next date, can you be in the relationship pls and show your loving side. If then the guy leaves, we can have the discussion again.

    If the equation is Chloe not self in relationship = guy leaves, why dont we change the equation ? It seems a simple solution 🙂

    Be kind to yourself, my friend. Life is not all bad and I dont think you are having any daddy issues – get this outta your mind.

    Jasmine

    #58984
    Chloé
    Participant

    I have been trying to show more affection and love – but it just seems like a wall – I think too much about it and I just cant open up. But I still try to be more clear when communicating and telling people where and what I stand for without being afraid of their reaction. It’s harder than it sounds – to be more loving. I think there are more profond issues than “just” change it. I am willing to try though.

    Any other thoughts?

    #58985
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Chloe,

    Life can be as simple as we want it to be and it can be as profound as you want it to be. Choice is in your hands.

    You are either showing true Chloe in the relationship or you are not. If you are not, then practice on becoming more authentic Chloe. Whats the worst that can happen ? 4 more guys may leave you ? In the big scheme of things, that is not so bad. But not being authentic Chloe will definitely make a difference in the big scheme of things. Our happiness and love lies within us and when we are able to be just US that love flows out.

    We cant fix daddy issues but we can work on becoming more authentic self. It is not as hard as it sounds once you start practicing it.

    Cheers

    J

    #58988
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hi Chloe,

    Out of interest, do you have male friends and if so, what is your relationship with them? Does this issue rise in all close relationships or just the romantic ones?

    I actually don’t have the answer to you, as I’m another one with daddy issues and I’ve yet to have a successful relationship 🙂 I can understand the cycle of thinking that someone quickly becomes way too important and to counter that, you’ll act like you don’t care. I’ve thought in my own life that perhaps one way would be to ease into a relationship through friendship. There would be a time when you can relax, be yourself and learn to trust the man and share without all the extra hassle. Then see if it can go further from there. I haven’t tried it yet, so I don’t know if it works, but at the moment, it’s my best bet for myself 🙂

    #58990
    Chloé
    Participant

    Jasmine: I guess I havnt been 100 % myself – because who is when you are JUST getting to know each other – I have some things I keep to myself to protect myself but I think you are right – maybe I should just be myself and show my vulnerable side so they can get a more clear vision on why I am behaving the way I am. And if they leave because of the fact that I am myself – I guess they are not the right person for me!

    The ruminant: I don’t really have male friends – only my friends’ boyfriends. This issue is only in my romantic relationships. I have good friends whom I have known for a long time – I don’t change friends at all.. My real/close friends are some I have had in my life for a long time. I think you are right – friendship first then maybe it could involve into something. The reason why I bring up the daddy issue part is because i ONLY date men who are older than me. Like 30, because I love the fact that they are mature and protective and I guess its because I really have the need of being taken care of and being someones.

    I guess what I need to work on is not caring what others think and do/say exactly what I feel like to a man so he knows i DO CARE!

    #59021
    DapperDon
    Participant

    I think you already hit on the reasons why you act this way: you are treating these guys the way your Dad has treated you – “I love you but I’m keeping you at arm’s length” (or some variation of that).
    Perhaps somewhere in your subconscious, you believe that this is the normal way to have a relationship, even though your conscious mind knows better.

    It’s a classic paradigm that manifests itself in other much more toxic ways – e.g. if the father is abusive to the mother, the son is more likely to abuse his own wife and the daughter is more likely to allow herself to be the victim of abuse from her husband, etc. etc. etc.

    And by seeking out certain types of men (older, protective, etc.), you’re attempting to replace the fatherly love and care you never received.
    The good news is that in a sense, you are at least finding the right quality of man (protective rather than abusive), now it’s just a matter of taking the leap of faith to keep the relationships afloat by contributing in equal part.

    Fortunately your Dad wasn’t hateful to you, but indifference is almost worse than hate sometimes in its impact on the kids.

    Here’s an interesting thought – have you ever talked to your Dad about this? That may sound nearly impossible if you’ve rarely had a heart-to-heart with him about anything – having a heart-to-heart with him about why he’s never had a heart-to-heart with you is a scary thought!

    At the worst, he might dismiss you and go even deeper into his shell.
    At the best, he may feel willing to open up to you and explain some of what’s going on in his head.
    Either way, perhaps he can shed some light that will demonstrate to you that it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Because ultimately, that is true. No matter what his reasons are, his lack of affection has absolutely nothing to do with anything you are or have done, and it’s entirely in his head. That’s a hard pill to swallow, for a child to recognize the weakness and vulnerability in our parents – they’re supposed to be perfect, right?

    That’s his story.
    So re-write your story.
    Sometimes we have to act in a manner directly opposite of what feels right in order to do what is right.
    As a previous poster said – do the hard thing. Open up in your next relationship. Love completely and freely and be completely individual. Imagine what you WANT to be like and then BE it, don’t wait for it to make itself known. You are in control of your destiny.

    Good luck!

    #59047
    Samantha
    Participant

    It’s great that you have become aware of this. It’s not something you can change over night, the next time you start to fall for someone maybe take baby steps to get to know them and feel secure. Once you feel secure, it may be easier for you to let your guard down, and on the flip side, they will understand you and understand that just because you dont always show it, you still love them. Communicating well may help you bond better with guys eg.: talking about their pasts, insecurities, loves, etc? There’s nothing wrong with playing it cool with a guy you like ;), but Slowly opening up with the right guy may be great!

    Hope this helps xx

    #59053
    Matt
    Participant

    Chloe,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why relating to men can be problematic. There you are, sitting with a radiant sun of love for someone, and bite your tongue, clamp it down. Hah, safe to express that? Puh-lease, and risk rejection? And, is he even interested? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that dad on the couch is like him in hunter mode. Emotions set aside, looking elsewhere, for game, food, stress relief, whatever. When your obvious needs came up, he’d put you on his task list, which is awesome of him, but still, always looking elsewhere, not really taking the time to see you.

    And that was wrong of him, your tender heart needs to know it is cared for, seen, heard, known… and were he perfect, he’d set down the remote, the spears, stop hunting, and just come home and play. If only being a parent gave us an automatic map, it would be easier… but parents are just who they are.

    The good news is, you’ve seen the pattern in yourself, which means you’ll break through soon(ish) :). It’ll nag at you, push you to escape it, so don’t be afraid you’ll just “always be stuck”, that’s nonsense. You’re already exploring the causes, looking for an exit, and crafting a key. So relax!

    Consider that many daddy issues resolve in a few simple ways, though take some work, courage and heart. First, its important to find some peace with what was. Picture dad, sitting on the couch, looking off somewhere not you, again. And there you are, a waterfall of love and affection, desire to connect, share, hear, be heard… but shit, he doesn’t seem to come home long enough to share anything with him. Maybe if something breaks or is on fire, he’d hop up then, but “hey dad, can we talk about our feelings?” feels like you might as well be saying “dad, could we speak in Klingon?” or interrupting his momentum with nonsense.

    But that’s all empty, just an old habit, armor we put on to protect our young hearts from dad’s absence. Just the past, what was, leaving cards in your hand that you can play however you want. You could repeat the cycle a few more times, if you need more information… but when you’re ready, you can play whatever hand you want. In my opinion, the best hand in this moment would be to rekindle your heartsong.

    Consider a loving kindness practice to do this. When we cultivate metta, or the emotion of warm friendliness, these issues become less looming, and more a curious puzzle that are easier to set aside. We grow the space inside to take off the armor, find peace with what is, and hope. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested. For example, imagine running up tons distracted and distant dad, on his couch, and throwing your arms around him and giving him a hug. Telling him how much you appreciated all he did do, and how you hope he finds endless happiness, freedom, and peace. He may stare at you blankly, stammer, or scoff, but who cares? If your moments are heartfelt, authentic, and courageous, you’ll walk away feeling light, refreshed.

    Now, you may never do such a thing, it may never be the right thing, but as we dream it, wish it, put our heart behind our wish to offer that grace to them, we become free of the entanglement. Such as, if you’ve spent time on the cushion envisioning pouring your heart to your dad, but just haven’t seen the right time yet… when another man comes along that is open and offering his tender attentions, perhaps you’ll feel the courage and strength to reach back, be authentic, and just shine with that brilliant heart of yours.

    Namaste, sister, may your dance be light and joyous.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #59054
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Chloe,

    I know the feeling, but as a son.

    Your dad did the best he could at the time. It’s time to see that, forgive him and let it go.

    When I realized this, it completely changed my view.

    Also, you do need to remap your approach to a relationship. Do what you can to follow good role models and make an effort to change.

    Big blue

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Big blue.
    #59056
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Chloe,

    I know the feeling, but as a son.

    Your dad did the best he could at the time. It’s time to see that, forgive him and let it go.

    When I realized this, it completely changed my view.

    Big blue

    #59068
    tinkerbellknits
    Participant

    Hi Chloe
    I’ve had the same problem but only realised it when I was dumped by an amazing guy who I had been brave enough to open up to. We broke up for other reasons but I have felt completely destroyed by being dumped as I’d taken a risk in being so open with him. However, we’ve been able to part on good terms and I’ve realised as painful as the last few months have been for me I’ve needed it to find out who I really am and what I want for myself without my parents approval being needed, which is a bit pathetic since I’m 32. The fact they have been disappointed about my emotional state during this time made me realise how much I’ve been doing for so long in order to get their approval/praise without even realising it.
    I’m finding it tough so I expect you will, but try to do things for you, to make you happy. And the next guy you meet please do be brave and open up, when you trust him tell him your fears and your desires. It might end up in disaster, (like for me) but you’ll feel stronger for it in the end, and you never know it might lead you to happiness.
    Best wishes x

    #59150
    Chloé
    Participant

    Thank you so much for all your feedback. Im glad that so many people are willing to put their time for me. I hope – in another relationship I can truly express my feelings/thoughts/emotions etc. The last guy who dumped me really crushed me, cause with this guy, I actually opened up and just told him the truth/my truth and it was all going well untill our 5th date. He was trying hard to give me compliments and approach me. The next day he told me that he was confused about us, and for the first time I stepped up – grabbed my phone, called him and asked him to talk about it face to face (thats big)!! I went to his house and we talked, and he told me that he felt like he was running against a wall and everytime he tried to kiss me or touch me I kinda dismissed him (which I dont feel like i did) but I guess I’m not aware of my bodylanguage. I told him it has nothing to do with him and if we could try over but he was totally over it – I even asked him if he wanted to give it another shot but he totally rejected me… Ugh.. for the first time I tried to save it but it was too late..
    Does anyone know how you can improve your body language so it matches with your words and emotions? Cause I can’t imagine a anything worse that feeling rejected as a guy when he tried to approach you.. It was obviously so bad that he didn’t even want to give me another chance

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