Bill,

So what’s your question?

Consider that desire (ambition) isn’t good or bad. This struggle you talk about is mostly internal, but affects our view of the external. A good rule of thumb for growing a healthy dream is be heartfelt. The posture is like teaching a child the alphabet. We know the letters, have a deep desire for them to learn, but with a temperance, vast patience to let them blossom, learn as they do. Growing a garden is the same. Have a vision of what you’d like to see, till the soil, plant, tend… but then have patience as its growth happens in its own time. Water, tend, wait.

Don’t let the whole “the world is a heap of shit” delusion stop your heart from dancing. Million happy people, million ripples of light. How else do we make the world a more loving place except by being the light we wish there to be in it? Its in your hands, brother, what needs your help? Including yourself, of course, as a tender piece of nature asking great questions. Look around! What do you want to do with your time? You a hero? Of what?

Finally, consider a metta meditation practice. Your questions seem to be part curiosity part complaint. The complaint part fades as we spend time cultivating loving feelings. Messy floor? Why feel bad? Just grab a broom, sweep it up, move on. “But people are so messy!” Hehe, yep. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

With warmth,
Matt