Dear Trevor,

I was quite intrigued by the title of your post and considered re-registering just to comment. I went through your previous questions to understand the context a bit better. I do realize that its not about keeping the room clean – nah, its not as trivial as that. While others may have dubbed you resentful and have asked you to grow up, i can only share with you a bit of perspective of a 22 year old. A very close friend of mine is in a similar situation like yours except in her case there is also a highly patriarchal structure in place – sort of like double standards of being a girl. Her parents, especially her father has very very strong opinions on everything a girl should be.

She is resentful and yet wants approval but never really feels “enough” anyway. After a great deal of emotional turbulence, she is now slowly on the path to recovery and reconciliation. I have learnt the following lessons from her experiences – see, you cant change the basic beliefs of your parents. They have a life time of experiences that led to those beliefs, irrespective of whether you agree with him or not. However, despite all the control they exert on you, at the end of the day, it is done of out of love and care. The neighbors or those friends will not be there for you during the real shit in your life. Be grateful that they do bother about your well-being though it can be suffocating at times too. Second thing, you are responsible for your thoughts and choices – i think that was the hardest lesson for my friend to swallow – she was quite immature and confused, quite neurotic and pessimistic with clingy tendencies – she disliked most people of her age and yet wanted to feel worthwhile in their eyes.

She didnt like herself much at all. Do you like yourself Trevor? Do you feel like your parents have turned you into this conformist alien among your peers? My advice would be to slowly make your own choices, be calm about them instead of nervously seeking approval for every single thing or getting aggressive about it. Despite all her complaints about their old-fashioned beliefs, my friend still cant seem to ever not tell her parents what she is doing – she craves their approval and yet she hates it.

I know a bit of how you feel but believe me, you’re just 22. You will find your way through this confusing decade. Just remember that you have parents who love you and care about you. They need to mature too but so do you. Perhaps you cant change them but you can change your outlook – go out more, be busy and make friends – loosen up a bit but learn to be responsible too. Trust me, it will go a long way in ensuring your emotional stability. In fact, if you’re in the mood, i suggest you watch this movie – perhaps it will resonate a bit with you 😀 Its called “Bend it Like Beckham”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5_2NEAEdaQ

You’ll be fine 🙂 Dont worry so much. More than half of Asia goes through this 😛 (probably worse cuz the parents dont let them date and fix their marriage, cant go out late at night, bring friends of opposite gender over to house etc etc lol)

Anyway, best wishes and do try the movie 🙂

– Moon