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Reply To: where did i go?

HomeForumsRelationshipswhere did i go?Reply To: where did i go?

#60969
Matt
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Jason,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the painfulness of isolation and aimlessness. Like a ship without keel, swaying this way and that, depending on the daily breeze, alone in a vast ocean of time and space. Fine while hunting, comfortable when hunting, but aside from hunting, what have you got? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The place you’re at is normal, usual, happens to most of us, and is actually quite fertile. Its like a big question mark, a “hmm, what next” kind of space. Wisdom grows quick here, so be peaceful!

Consider that you’ve noticed how material happiness isn’t lasting, isn’t keeping the playful boy alive. Actually, its keeping him snoozing, distracted from what makes you happy, joyous. Said differently, don’t buy the machismo BS, the mentality that it is through endless grinding of our body against nature that brings us skill, power. Instead, its through hunting and home, action and nurturing… we find a balance of charging into the nature with courage, and then sitting down, resting, licking wounds, finding inner peace. This allows us to sidestep needing the whack-a-mole game to amuse us. Another toy to buy, thing to have, task to do, game to hunt… gets boring, thankfully.

Instead, as we turn to self nurturing, or being alone in a comfortable environment that inspires us quietly, such as nature, museum, gallery, bath tub, and trying to just be at ease, restful in body and mind. Letting go of the past, stop pushing toward the future, and just be, present. This let’s the light rekindle, the inner Jason-boy to come out and play. More mature now, better at aiming, more awake, but the same kid on a journey in a sandbox. What do you want to do next, friend? Its your canvas!

As far as the feeling of joyousness, that arises alongside skillful giving. Being generous. My teacher helped me see that as we offer our positive intentions skillfully toward the good of self and others, our bodies respond with an appreciative joy, grateful to feel connected, additive. Even if it doesn’t turn out, such as offering your wife a spontaneous shoulder massage and she shuns you, pushes you away, you could rest knowing that you did your best, followed your heart, tried to reach out, and so forth. Not “ahhh, she doesn’t want me” or “dang, I wanted sex”, or what not, not as absorbed into each attempt… joy sprouts from our own good intentions, not their result.

And then, its just a play, a garden to grow. What do you like to do? Want to find your wife again? Want to move on? Finding her is more about wooing, less about rebuilding. Her heart a stranger to yours? Break out the old flirting textbooks and pick a few that sing to your heart. You found her once, you can do it again. If you want to, of course. Less dwelling, “oh, don’t you remember how we used to…”, more, “holy shit you’re beautiful, would you share a dance with me, dear love?”

Namaste, brother, may your rudder find its purchase.

With warmth,
Matt