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where did i go?

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  • #60957
    Jason
    Participant

    I appear to be losing a piece of myself. It was not long ago that people described me as fun to be around, funny and charismatic. When I look back on that time I recognize that there was an inner joy that I felt that has since gone dim. I was that guy who could have a conversation with anyone, always had a smile on my face and really just felt the joy of life. I felt alive, and now just feel flat. To smile is to feel like I am faking it, when around people I would rather keep to myself than chat. I miss the person I once was and am having difficulty locating me again. I am at a point in my life where I do not need to “acquire” as I did when I was younger. I am 39 and am living comfortably, having achieved my goals and am in a job I love. Where has my zeal gone? In my quest for living for the soul I seem to be getting further from who I am. I have always felt happiest when I am in pursuit of something, an education, spots accolade i.e. (ego satisfaction) but this seemed to be the happiest place for my soul as well. Despite the fact that I would generally fall low once achieved current goal and was in between pursuits.
    I really don’t have anyone to talk to about personal issues; I had a solid group of friends until I went through some tough times about 3 years ago, I confided in those friends only to find them turn their back on me. When I really try and figure out what is wrong I feel that I am longing for personal connection with people, deep intimate relations but find that I am guarded now and don’t let people in. People who want to be my friends I find a reason why it does not work and distance myself. My wife is an excellent woman but really has never been very emotional. We have been together for over 20 years and the conversation we have now all seems to be very boring or surface chit chat. Seems we have grow somewhat apart, and do not have the connection we once did. She does not feel like we have a problem, and moves on with her days unfazed. I sometime feel jealous when she is out with her friends as I do not have the same support system she does. I am asking advice on the following problems:
    1) Steady acquisition is when I am happiest or at least distracted, but fall low in between goals. Would like to find a place of happiness without having to have something to fixate on for my happiness. I feel board, and can’t seem to find a reason to become excited.
    2) Friends, I don’t trust them and find reasons not to invest in the relationships despite the fact I long for intimate conversation. It is weird it is kind of like dating meet a friend and I decide whether it is a good fit or not.
    3) My wife and I do not connect in my opinion or at least I don’t feel the connection. I can only think of one conversation in the last 3 years that really felt like we connected on an emotional level. It is hard for me to be motivated to have sex with her and I once again can only think of one time in the last 10 years that we connected during sex and I did not have to think of something/someone else to finish.
    Wow this is way beyond my comfort level airing this laundry out in the open but I need to figure something out.

    #60969
    Matt
    Participant

    Jason,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the painfulness of isolation and aimlessness. Like a ship without keel, swaying this way and that, depending on the daily breeze, alone in a vast ocean of time and space. Fine while hunting, comfortable when hunting, but aside from hunting, what have you got? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    The place you’re at is normal, usual, happens to most of us, and is actually quite fertile. Its like a big question mark, a “hmm, what next” kind of space. Wisdom grows quick here, so be peaceful!

    Consider that you’ve noticed how material happiness isn’t lasting, isn’t keeping the playful boy alive. Actually, its keeping him snoozing, distracted from what makes you happy, joyous. Said differently, don’t buy the machismo BS, the mentality that it is through endless grinding of our body against nature that brings us skill, power. Instead, its through hunting and home, action and nurturing… we find a balance of charging into the nature with courage, and then sitting down, resting, licking wounds, finding inner peace. This allows us to sidestep needing the whack-a-mole game to amuse us. Another toy to buy, thing to have, task to do, game to hunt… gets boring, thankfully.

    Instead, as we turn to self nurturing, or being alone in a comfortable environment that inspires us quietly, such as nature, museum, gallery, bath tub, and trying to just be at ease, restful in body and mind. Letting go of the past, stop pushing toward the future, and just be, present. This let’s the light rekindle, the inner Jason-boy to come out and play. More mature now, better at aiming, more awake, but the same kid on a journey in a sandbox. What do you want to do next, friend? Its your canvas!

    As far as the feeling of joyousness, that arises alongside skillful giving. Being generous. My teacher helped me see that as we offer our positive intentions skillfully toward the good of self and others, our bodies respond with an appreciative joy, grateful to feel connected, additive. Even if it doesn’t turn out, such as offering your wife a spontaneous shoulder massage and she shuns you, pushes you away, you could rest knowing that you did your best, followed your heart, tried to reach out, and so forth. Not “ahhh, she doesn’t want me” or “dang, I wanted sex”, or what not, not as absorbed into each attempt… joy sprouts from our own good intentions, not their result.

    And then, its just a play, a garden to grow. What do you like to do? Want to find your wife again? Want to move on? Finding her is more about wooing, less about rebuilding. Her heart a stranger to yours? Break out the old flirting textbooks and pick a few that sing to your heart. You found her once, you can do it again. If you want to, of course. Less dwelling, “oh, don’t you remember how we used to…”, more, “holy shit you’re beautiful, would you share a dance with me, dear love?”

    Namaste, brother, may your rudder find its purchase.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #60996
    Mike
    Participant

    I am somewhat the same way and it comes down to this; Are you ever satsfied or content with what you currently have? You seem restless, which Seems like it confuses you. You can blame your ego for this, but don’t. Think about if you were you to lose what you have, did you take it for granted? Do you appreciate the same things about your wife that made you marry her? When we always have to be chasing the next thing it affects every thing in our life. It is a skill that must be cultivated, most of us are not endowed with it. why do monks and other holy People give up all strivings and belongings. You don’t have to become a monk though just don’t take anything for granted, be thankful for what you have as well as accomplished.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Mike.
    #61016
    Shakti
    Participant

    Hi,

    I don’t really know how to start with..Describing myself from childhood and school days, I was very shy, not talking to anyone feeling, I didn’t know what to talk. I used to understand that people do always make fun of me. I never had any friends.I used to cry over little things – for example people not understanding me, my school mates not giving me attention, giving me taunts on every aspect.During my college days,again I faced the same..I started working. I didn’t talk much with anyone much.I actually wasn’t interested in the gossips generally that a girl does. But trying still to be a part of group, when I looked at someone people do not consider me for their talk and included me only as humanity and because they wanted to.I then met one girl, seeing her I felt I should be like her matured, happy soul, sweet, simple, decent, she knew how to talk to others and I liked every aspect of her as a girl. She became my good friend.

    Since my schooling till my college days, people think that I am stubborn, not a good person to talk to, looking at me either angrily or with pity. During this process, I started liking someone. For every minute, every second I thought of him. It made me feel happy. I used to see him secretly from my home, specially go in front of him for his attention. I couldn’t figure out, was it love or just because I liked. I asked him and his response was negative, he didn’t accept me. However, for some time I felt i should not run behind him and kept that thought aside of having him in my life.During that sometime, I went far from my place, and that period made me cried, made me strong and somewhere it made me firm that I shouldn’t think of him.

    It was melting like ice when I saw him just once again after coming back to my place. And the other day was so happy and on top of the mountain when he came back to me and he said he is sorry…My complete strength that I accumulated made me damn weak.

    I convinced him to talk to me. Going on with conversation daily, he started getting habituated to my calls, my messages, my care for him..some where he felt incomplete without me.I started liking him more and more. We met and started roaming around together. The meetings went on and on..We were happy for every moment, spent together. However, I committed many unintentional mistakes during my relationship, he forgive me for all and he fought for me with his friends, who think I was not good, to be with me.
    I just felt comfortable with him, he always handled me in the worst.

    There came a time where I had to even think about my parents financially. So taking a decision to study further I went to other town, and My love was with me and I had a blind faith on him, he will be always with me. He also belonged from the similar caste, similar background financially, from family point of view. He was my friend, my best friend, my buddy, my love, my whole and soul.

    Scared in the other town, I was shy, reserved and not dressing up beautifully, thinking, I wanted to dress beautifully only for my love. People didn’t talk to me much, neither do I. But I was happy and satisfied, feeling my soul is with me.

    But that is not the case.He started going around with someone else. I forgiven him, but I can’t even think to loose him. He started being rude to me and started giving excuses for not going with me. He left me forever,saying, “I know you and your parents are facing financial crisis, anytime if you require money, just let me know..!I am marrying to other girl whom I started loving when you were not present here.” This just broke me..Not thinking about anything but just wanted to die..completely shattered. Didn’t had any idea what will I do further..!I began asking everyone who knew about us to get him back anyhow..but nothing worked.I just received a flash of my mother’s face in front of me, thinking she struggled for me to make me nice, Shouldn’t I struggle a little?

    I started working, but I couldn’t trust myself anymore.I feel no more love is in me to give it to any other person. Behaving rudely with others, not thinking about what others is thinking, feeling isolated,etc. were some of the characteristics of me.

    I then started reading articles where I could get peaceful sleep.But life has become mess.Some suggested me to do arrange marriage and compromise on something which I always dream of, as I also had to think about my parents on the other side. I met few of them, they were well set, they were rich..but my heart never agreed for anyone and I said No to them who really liked me, thinking of me not mentally prepared. I don’t understand, Did I do right thinking of me or Is it that I should have thought of my parents first?

    How shall I make my life worth living..? where I want love again, peace, and I could also give love to someone.

    Also I am feeling bad as I met someone just trying to move on.. But I couldn’t and I said NO to him..I didn’t hurt him intentionally, but seems I have hurt him.. 🙁

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Shakti.
    #61041
    Jason
    Participant

    thank you all for your insightful suggestions (Matt) some of those things hit home and i will work on being “present” I do fixate on the future/past. What exactly is being “present” just think about the day in what ever current emotional state you are in? Do not ponder how to make it better?

    (Mike) Yes i would say yes i am content/satisfied with what i have, that is what is breeding my restlessness. I have been going,going,going for so long and one day everything i had worked for had been realized. Now i struggle with not know how to move through life without purpose. Or feeling without purpose since i have nothing to strive for. Sure i can always find something else to go after that will pacify for a while until it is completed then i am right back where i am now. Want to learn to live happily and find a purpose for this half of life that does not represent “acquisition” a purpose that will carry me through to the end of my journey. I know i can take up hobbies but what i am finding is my excitement for the hobbies i use to enjoy is no longer there.
    As for doing charity I started a dental practice that only sees medical assistance pt’s. I feel i do have meaning in my work but it is the down time and the lack of enjoyment i get from my free time that activities, I just want my old jovial self back and am searching for a way to do that.

    #61046
    Matt
    Participant

    Jason,

    Being present is about radically accepting that the meal you’re eating is exactly the meal you’re eating. Not so much “let go of the future dreams”, but rather, seeing what’s here now. That’s where the fertility is. For instance, spending the day dreaming of being a rock star distracts us from the instrument, which is where all the music is, the magic. Have the rock star dream, but tend the instrument. Have a vision of your garden, but keep your mind on the bulbs as you plant them. That’s where growth happens. 🙂 The rock star dream may change, the shape of the garden not quite what was envisioned, but there’s joy along the way, no matter what comes, as we learn to tend patiently. We’re growing too, after all… our tender shoots of happiness finding breath as we breathe, till, nurture, wait. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

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